Heat Stroke

[lolo]

The shadow’s message is night;
you are the sundial it follows all day,
measuring the searing earth silently, tick-tocks,
that echo in a fevered mind.

Heat hammers down nails
in sync with a faint heartbeat
through swathes of turbans,
with malaise eyes watch a papaya orange sun
slice itself every stroke of the hour
to reveal beads of black seeds.

The lengthening dark strip taunts,
moving in widening circles, waiting
until it’s twelve, when it condenses
into tiny black drops eddying
under camel leather slippers, to disappear
past thin soles in a toe-ring’s tinkle.

Children of the sun, reeling
under an almost-year-long-summer,
their feet pregnant with dark dreams
to lend to monsoon clouds.

.

[Todd]

This is a really beautiful. I'm starting to appreciate the level of mood you bring to your work:

The shadow’s message is night;--love this opening line. Beautifully phrased and evocative
you are the sundial it follows all day,
measuring the searing earth silently, tick-tocks,--maybe in silent instead of "silently,"
that echo in a fevered mind.

Heat hammers down nails
in sync with a faint heartbeat--like this sequence
through swathes of turbans,
with malaise eyes watch a papaya orange sun
slice itself every stroke of the hour--these two lines are my favorite papaya orange sun slice itself... is so visual. Just a great image
to reveal beads of black seeds.--again this extension of the image works really well

The lengthening dark strip taunts,
moving in widening circles, waiting
until it’s twelve, when it condenses
into tiny black drops eddying--is the repetition of black valuable? Would dark be a better substitute. Not sure. I don't really mind the echo of it just wasn't sure it added anything.
under camel leather slippers, to disappear
past thin soles in a toe-ring’s tinkle.--love the specific detail and the further use of sound (tick tock above and now here) to engage more of the senses

Children of the sun, reeling
under an almost-year-long-summer,
their feet pregnant with dark dreams--gorgeous phrasing
to lend to monsoon clouds.

.

I made more comments than I normally would want to make on a poem in Mild. It was mostly for appreciate though. I didn't see a lot here that I didn't like.

Thanks,

Todd

[brandontoh]

The shadow’s message is night;
you are the sundial it follows all day,
measuring the searing earth silently, tick-tocks,
that echo in a fevered mind. -- Good stanza. It starts the poem up so nicely and sets the mood for the rest of the poem. I really like the imagery too.

Heat hammers down nails
in sync with a faint heartbeat
through swathes of turbans,
with malaise eyes watch a papaya orange sun a
slice itself every stroke of the hour
to reveal beads of black seeds. -- Again, good stanza. You further strengthen the imagery established in the first stanza and makes it more evocative. It leaves the reader wanting more. =)

The lengthening dark strip taunts,
moving in widening circles, waiting
until it’s twelve, when it condenses
into tiny black drops eddying
under camel leather slippers, to disappear
past thin soles in a toe-ring’s tinkle. -- Ditto this stanza. =)

Children of the sun, reeling
under an almost-year-long-summer,
their feet pregnant with dark dreams
to lend to monsoon clouds. -- Really beautiful finish. The feeling I get from the whole poem is that the imagery slowly zooms out, and it's illustrated quite clearly. The word choices are also very good. A very nice piece. I thoroughly enjoyed it, thanks for the read! =D

.

[billy]

i really enjoyed reading this. it's image rich and has a depth that allows the reader to enter the heat of it. just the one stumble for me, and i could be the one with the fault
great read.

The shadow’s message is night;
you are the sundial it follows all day,
measuring the searing earth silently, tick-tocks,
that echo in a fevered mind. the opening takes into the poem, slowly warning us

Heat hammers down nails
in sync with a faint heartbeat
through swathes of turbans,
with malaise eyes watch a papaya orange sun not sure about the enjambment, would "with malaise eyes" work better on the line above?
slice itself every stroke of the hour
to reveal beads of black seeds. the image of these 3 lines is exceptional.

The lengthening dark strip taunts,
moving in widening circles, waiting
until it’s twelve, when it condenses
into tiny black drops eddying
under camel leather slippers, to disappear
past thin soles in a toe-ring’s tinkle.

Children of the sun, reeling
under an almost-year-long-summer,
their feet pregnant with dark dreams
to lend to monsoon clouds. excellent close that has within it hope, the urge of the need to play in the rain from the children is palpable.

.

[lolo]

Thanks Todd, Billy & Brandon.