The End

[mksarma]

When the heart failed to bear
The endless despair anymore
Let the sand burn the pads of my feet
In that stagger into the stretched beach
Let the ankles soak with the shore
When the tides hit it once more
Let the steps fall beyond the coast
Until the knees taste the host
Let the raising surf check its rage
When it could reach my heart’s cage
Let the sinking Sun stare into my eyes
When the brine swollen all the tears
Fear and pain were all rend
After the mind fading into end.

[Stalker]

Mskarma - I see this languishing without any feedback - so I will give you line by line.


When the heart failed to bear
The endless despair anymore=> not sure about the rhyming scheme here, and endless and anymore?
Let the sand burn the pads of my feet=> you seem to have mixed tenses here, these first lines need to agree timewise, else it is a jolt and we don't know where we are, current action or a past telling.
In that stagger into the stretched beach=> i don't like the in that followed by into, perhaps get rid of the 'In'
Let the ankles soak with the shore
When the tides hit it once more =>tide not tides if we want to agree wth once I think
Let the steps fall beyond the coast
Until the knees taste the host=> forced rhyme IMO
Let the raising surf check its rage
When it could reach my heart’s cage=> why could?
Let the sinking Sun stare into my eyes
When the brine swollen all the tears => the word swollen does not seem much like english here, swells? IDK this is difficult.
Fear and pain were all rend=>rent? IDK if rend like this is a word.
After the mind fading into end.=> tense confused again?

I get what you are writing about perfectly, find peace thru walking into the sea and drowning there. The english is a bit suspect in places.

cheers

StalKeR
[/quote]

[Aphroditeny]

Nice imagery

[tectak]

When the heart failed to bearBecause of the complete lack of punctuation this reader is rendered somewhat disabled. I think that the tenses in these first few lines are all to pot....If I punctuate it in my head, I want to see" When the heart FAILS to bear the endless despair (anymore-not needed. Already said.), let the sand burn the pads (soles-unless a dromedary) of my feet."
The endless despair anymore
Let the sand burn the pads of my feetfull stop or asphyxia threatens. I can accept a stagger, but "into" a beach is awkward.....as is the "stretched" description. I find that I stop to grasp its meaning, fail, then move on.Worse is to come, I just know it.
In that stagger into the stretched beachthere is no rhythm in this....you will say, yes, that is because I am staggering on burnt feet in an elastic beach and am miserable. No excuse...this is supposed to be poetry not a travelogue.
Let the ankles soak with the shore I can just give this the benefit of my advanced deductive prowess and get the syncronicity of "with" meaning simultaneous. It is reaching the limits of Young's Modulus, though, as a stretched metaphor for....well....something.
When the tides hit it once more Surely, "tide" and "hits", but not even that. Does the tide "hit?
Let the steps fall beyond the coast
Until the knees taste the host
Let the raising surf check its rage
When it could reach my heart’s cage
Let the sinking Sun stare into my eyes
When the brine swollen all the tears
Fear and pain were all rend
After the mind fading into end. the last 8 lines need a lot of looking at. Again, a cry for the condiment of conversation, punctuation. Comedic images of tasting knees do not quite come off. "fear and pain were all rend" is drastically inverse forced with the last line. You gave up in the end.So have I.
Best,
tectak