Grass Cutting In a Vienna Park

[Smiffy]

The year is 1938
An old man remembers watching his
Father cutting grass in a Vienna park
On hands and knees not daring to look up
Should he catch the eyes of his oppressors
Passers by fear to look should they too
Come under the gaze of the men in brown shirts
An old man remembers as a child watching
His father cutting grass with his teeth
An old man remembers yellow stars
The beginning of the end

[Smiffy]

[Cheers Heart, I am aware I have a problem with punctuation, something I have to work on. This was inspired by a Tv programme I watched where despite thinking you know all there is to know about the lead up and the actual events of the holocaust there is always something new and horrific that surprises you.

Hi smiffy, I found this a very moving read. I am interpreting it to be about the 1938 deportation of jews. The yellow star representing the
badge marked "jude". I am not bothered by your lack of punctuation
here but it can have an impact for some. I feel you could break this
into 2 stanzas, the 2nd beginning with line 6. I enjoyed reading this powerful piece very much.
my best,
Heart
[/quote]

[hobbit86]

Really good poem, and great to see someones interpretation of events.

When I first started reading it, I thought it was going to be a poem filled of happy memories of someones father, until the 4th line. Really moving.

The lack of punctuation doesn't bother me too much as it's still easy to read.

I normally like poems to be separated into stanzas (just my personal choice as I struggle to read big blocks of writing), but this is short enough to stay as 1 verse.

The imagery and the message conveyed is good. Really enjoyed reading this.

(sorry for the not so good critic...I couldn't find anything to pick up on...just the lack of punctuation)

[billy]

hi Bill
a sad poem, it all works for me apart from the last line which feels unnecessary.

[abu nuwas]

It is written in a very plain way, nothing is hidden, the reader is not called upon to extract meanings for himself/herself. If I were to make suggestions, I should just be writing my poem, not yours, as others on here have wisely said elsewhere. The final line could be dropped, but it actually has great significance for those concerned (though I should imagine that Kristallnacht would have been the last straw for most). So it would be good to retain it, and I should be inclined to do this by commencing the poem with that line, and ending it likewise. I think that would re-double the sense that that is what the thing is about.