God Is Just A Man

[hobbit86]

The use of 'god' as opposed to 'God' is intentional, to emphasize his personification as a man.

I saw god at a table, sorting through some seeds;
I asked him what he was doing and why there was a need.
He told me he was sorting, the good ones from the bad;
He didn't look so Godly, he just looked very sad.

A small pile looked so empty, in his open hand;
I watched him gently plant them, in his Holy Land.
He nourished them with his love
With water from the heavens above I really need to work on the last 2 lines here, it really loses it's rhythm

He went back to his pile, reaching to the sky;
I saw my seed hidden within, and I began to cry.
These seeds were so empty, with nothing inside to grow;
He told me mine was vile, sinful, had no glow.

I watched the seeds full of life, grow into such beautiful flowers;
The seeds god threw were brown and weak, and with no love they wilted and cowered.
God chose the dreams which deserved to shine,
But that seed and life was never to be mine.

He goes back to his seeds, sorting one by one;
Tired, sad and lonely, his job is never done.
God is just a Man, sitting at his desk;
We are just his files, he's sorting through the mess.

Invisible Shadows 2011

[brandontoh]

Oh wow I really like this poem! Will get back to it once I'm home!

[Todd]

Hi Hobbit,

While you've pointed out one of your meter issues there are a few others that you can catch by reading out loud. The thing you might also want to think about is your using a mixed metaphor by throwing in God sorting files at the end as if he's in an office. You probably want to stay with more of a gardener image. This has nice potential though and you could develop it fairly quickly.

Best,

Todd

[brandontoh]

The use of 'god' as opposed to 'God' is intentional, to emphasize his personification as a man.

I saw god at a table, sorting through some seeds; -- This is a great starting line. Immediately I'm drawn in.
I asked him what he was doing and why there was a need.
He told me he was sorting, the good ones from the bad;
He didn't look so Godly, he just looked very sad. -- The stanza has a very strong imagery and sets the tone for the rest of the poem nicely.

A small pile looked so empty, in his open hand;
I watched him gently plant them, in his Holy Land.
He nourished them with his love
With water from the heavens above -- Personally I would change the end rhyme of the last 2 lines. Maybe the first one can be 'He nourished them gingerly'? Just giving you some ideas. The problem with the current 2 lines is that they don't really further the imagery of the poem. The lines are, in a word, loose. Tighten the image and tighten the lines up and I feel you'll have a much better stanza.

He went back to his pile, reaching to the sky;
I saw my seed hidden within, and I began to cry. -- 'I began to cry' is a little too 'telling' for my taste. As it stands it feels like you're forcing the rhyme.
These seeds were so empty, with nothing inside to grow;
He told me mine was vile, sinful, had no glow. -- God is a jerk! I'd remove vile and sinful from the line. That adds subtlety to the whole thing, and will actually be consistent with the image of god you've been building up.

I watched the seeds full of life, grow into such beautiful flowers;
The seeds god threw were brown and weak, and with no love they wilted and cowered.
God chose the dreams which deserved to shine,
But that seed and life was never to be mine. -- The first line and the last line lacks impact. They're too direct and in-you-face. The stanza as a whole is good because of the second and third line, but some rewording with the first and last I feel will make this more powerful.

He goes back to his seeds, sorting one by one;
Tired, sad and lonely, his job is never done. -- These 2 lines can be reworded to become tighter as well.
God is just a Man, sitting at his desk;
We are just his files, he's sorting through the mess.

Invisible Shadows 2011

Like I said before, I really really like this poem. The imagery is strong and the word choices for the most part are really apt. It's just oozing with potential! Thanks for the read, and hope I'm of help! =)