Poem to those considering suicide.

[erwilliams92]

Hey guys. I am new here. I work for a suicide hotline. I wrote this after a particularly hard day. I'd like feedback if possible

You are not alone today,
I am with you as I write.
Just hear me out for one last thing,
I know it will all be all right.

If you feel like nobody cares anymore,
And the world would be a better place,
I wish I could mend your heart that has tore
And wipe each tear from your face.

Although I may not know you,
Even though I wish I do
I’d place my love in an envelope,
And mail it straight to you.

You are perfect in every way.
I love you just the way you are.
A world without you there each day,
Is like losing the brightest star.

There’s more to life, more things to live for,
I know it’s hard to believe.
But don’t go so soon, before your time
I do not want you to leave.

I couldn’t bear for you to miss it all
Please remember me each night.
Remember me each morning too,
I swear it will all be all right.

[Todd]

Hi er, welcome to the site! Sorry you had a hard day in your line of work that probably is worse than most. I'll give you some comments on the poem to improve it. The danger of poems like these is if they were TV specials they would come on the air with the phrase: And now, a very special episode...

It's easy to be pulled in by the importance of a topic and incorrectly give the poem more weight than it deserves. The more important the topic the more you have to live up to to keep it fresh and interesting.

Here are a few comments for you:

The first issue that comes across to me is forced rhyme. If you read this out loud you would normally put a different word or tense at the end of a line. The reason you don't is you're trying make the line rhyme. It doesn't work. It would be better to abandon rhyme altogether than to force it.

It also speaks in a lot of surface generalities. It needs to go deeper to have any emotional resonance.

I'm not trying to be overly critical. You can develop the idea. It has potential.

I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd

Hey guys. I am new here. I work for a suicide hotline. I wrote this after a particularly hard day. I'd like feedback if possible

You are not alone today,
I am with you as I write.
Just hear me out for one last thing,
I know it will all be all right.

If you feel like nobody cares anymore,
And the world would be a better place,
I wish I could mend your heart that has tore
And wipe each tear from your face.

Although I may not know you,
Even though I wish I do
I’d place my love in an envelope,
And mail it straight to you.

You are perfect in every way.
I love you just the way you are.
A world without you there each day,
Is like losing the brightest star.

There’s more to life, more things to live for,
I know it’s hard to believe.
But don’t go so soon, before your time
I do not want you to leave.

I couldn’t bear for you to miss it all
Please remember me each night.
Remember me each morning too,
I swear it will all be all right.

[there's-a-war-in-my-mind]

thanks for writing this

[billy]

try and keep a constant meter if possible and try to introduce more depth, an odd image or two.

Hey guys. I am new here. I work for a suicide hotline. I wrote this after a particularly hard day. I'd like feedback if possible

You are not alone today,
I am with you as I write.
Just hear me out for one last thing,
I know it will all be all right.

If you feel like nobody cares anymore,
And the world would be a better place,
I wish I could mend your heart that has tore
And wipe each tear from your face.

Although I may not know you,
Even though I wish I do
I’d place my love in an envelope,
And mail it straight to you.

You are perfect in every way.
I love you just the way you are.
A world without you there each day,
Is like losing the brightest star.

There’s more to life, more things to live for,
I know it’s hard to believe.
But don’t go so soon, before your time
I do not want you to leave.

I couldn’t bear for you to miss it all
Please remember me each night.
Remember me each morning too,
I swear it will all be all right.