Soaring High (Content Warning)

[Kreative]

Soaring High



Just another old whore.
'Oh, look another whore."
Passerby's mumble in a crowded grocery store.
A once gorgeous girl, Natalie, now just a whore.

Grew up in a happy family
In a home on a bad street
Murders and rapes each week
Her family the only safety

Father never hit her
She never had to suffer
A caring older brother
A mother who'd always love her

Started in elementary
"Mommy, the kids are mean to me."
"Honey, you were just created differently,
All of Gods children are born equally."

Struggled her way through middle school
The kids were still cruel
She tried hard to just be cool
She tried to fit in
"Mom, I just don't have any friends!"

After Junior High
She lost her drive
To try in life
She would always cry
"Mom, I don't know what I'd do if you died."

December, half way through the school year
Something she had constantly feared
She lost her mother
The one who always loved her
Body had succumb to cancer
She spent her times search for an answer
At the bottom of cans,
Inside some guys pants,
Giving pleasure with her hands.

The start of your downfall Natalie,
When you first started trying to escape reality.

She dropped out
Always partying now
Always wearing a shroud
To protect her from the rain of a lingering cloud

Her Dad wasn't the same
She was the one to blame
Brother moved out of the house,
Dad would always shout
Even when he had nothing to shout about

Ten years passed
Living in the lowest class
Racing to the bottom of a glass
Slowly dying and selling ass

She's hooked, needing a fix
Getting high and sucking dicks
If she's on the ground she feels like shit
Perverts searching for whore who will get sick

Selling sex
Getting high
Feeling her best
Trying to leave this realm behind

That old whore Natalie
Trying to escape reality
Not fighting her addiction
Flying through dimensions
Taking trips to space, an astronaut
Who says happiness can't be bought?
Escaping Earth's orbit with ecstasy,
But when is her Apollo 13?

[brandontoh]

Soaring High



Just another old whore.
'Oh, look another whore."
Passerby's mumble in a crowded grocery store.
A once gorgeous girl, Natalie, now just a whore. -- This stanza is too in-your-face, I feel. Also, the imagery is weak. You can try to adopt a more appropriate tone to give a more depressing mood. The second line also can be more condescending to illustrate the disgust the passerby feel. The 'whore' in the second line in my opinion doesn't work. The repetition in the last line works really well though. I think the problem is that you're trying to rhyme, so while you may have better lines in mind, they're sacrificed in favour for the rhyme.

Grew up in a happy family
In a home on a bad street
Murders and rapes each week
Her family the only safety -- Once again, the imagery is weak. All the lines are too direct and don't tickle the imagination of the reader. Poems like these, to me, are boring and while the concept may be interesting, the way it's presented makes it uninteresting.

Father never hit her
She never had to suffer
A caring older brother
A mother who'd always love her -- Ditto this stanza.

Started in elementary
"Mommy, the kids are mean to me."
"Honey, you were just created differently,
All of Gods children are born equally." -- When you use dialogue in a poem, the dialogue should be concise and compact, while at the same time sound like something people will really say. While in this case, I can see a mother and child speaking like these, some simple rewording I feel can make it even stronger. Maybe use words like 'bully' and instead of 'created differently', try 'unique' or 'special'. Just suggestions though.

Struggled her way through middle school
The kids were still cruel
She tried hard to just be cool
She tried to fit in
"Mom, I just don't have any friends!" -- Same for this stanza. The lines are too direct, and the last line can be made stronger. 'Mom, why is it so hard to be normal?' for instance. It's not a good suggestion, but I hope you get my point.

After Junior High
She lost her drive
To try in life
She would always cry
"Mom, I don't know what I'd do if you died." -- Ditto this stanza.

December, half way through the school year
Something she had constantly feared
She lost her mother
The one who always loved her
Body had succumb to cancer
She spent her times search for an answer
At the bottom of cans,
Inside some guys pants,
Giving pleasure with her hands. -- The loss can be made more emotional. The death can be more descriptive to give it more impact. The last line can be worded better for a stronger imagery. A good attempt though.

The start of your downfall Natalie,
When you first started trying to escape reality. -- This stanza in my opinion is not needed. The rest of the poem already tells us that, so there's no need to state it explicitly.

She dropped out
Always partying now
Always wearing a shroud
To protect her from the rain of a lingering cloud -- Another thing to note is that the tone is very impersonal. As such, the emotional aspect is very distant and doesn't really immerse readers into the story. before this, you had dialogues that sort of do that, but now, with only the direct lines, the poem becomes really detached and is just, well, boring.

Her Dad wasn't the same
She was the one to blame
Brother moved out of the house,
Dad would always shout
Even when he had nothing to shout about -- Here can be where you introduce more dialogue. More specifically, things the father shouts out.

Ten years passed
Living in the lowest class
Racing to the bottom of a glass
Slowly dying and selling ass

She's hooked, needing a fix
Getting high and sucking dicks
If she's on the ground she feels like shit
Perverts searching for whore who will get sick

Selling sex
Getting high
Feeling her best
Trying to leave this realm behind -- These 3 stanzas have the same weaknesses I already pointed out before.

That old whore Natalie
Trying to escape reality
Not fighting her addiction
Flying through dimensions
Taking trips to space, an astronaut
Who says happiness can't be bought?
Escaping Earth's orbit with ecstasy,
But when is her Apollo 13?

Well, overall, I can see a lot of effort being made. However, it falls short because of the language employed. A poem of this length must be interesting and provocative so readers will be interested and eager to read on. You do that by using strong imageries and leaving room for imagination. The concept works fine, but the word choices really can be improved. Remember, all is personal opinion, so take what you will, and toss what you don't need. Hope to see this poem improved upon, and hope I'm of help! =)

[billy]

hi kreative, i'll be honest and say i' stayed away from giving feedback because i'm not keen on the content. in truth i'm a bit replused by violent crime poetry. that said, the problem is mine, while i won't comment on the content, i will comment on the poem. it's start off fairly well in the first stanza then became solid prose. there needs to be some allussion/metaphor/simile/ etc (poetic devices) that life it out of prose and into poetry. good narrative can hel a lot. you can break a well read story up and add some devices but the voice has to carry the reader. for a large part of the poem, it's very list like in it's narration.

Soaring High



Just another old whore.
'Oh, look another whore." use the same punctuation marks
Passerby's mumble in a crowded grocery store. passers-by, though would 'customers' work better?
A once gorgeous girl, Natalie, now just a whore. a suggestion would be, 'Natalie once gorgeous, now a whore'...my question is...can't a whore also be a whore and gorgeous at the same time. i've had a few corkers. you could use ugly whore,

Grew up in a happy family
In a home on a bad street
Murders and rapes each week
Her family the only safety this part is very tell, it needs an image or some depth.

Father never hit her
She never had to suffer
A caring older brother
A mother who'd always love her same here,

Started in elementary
"Mommy, the kids are mean to me."
"Honey, you were just created differently,
All of Gods children are born equally."

Struggled her way through middle school
The kids were still cruel
She tried hard to just be cool
She tried to fit in
"Mom, I just don't have any friends!"

After Junior High
She lost her drive
To try in life
She would always cry
"Mom, I don't know what I'd do if you died."

December, half way through the school year
Something she had constantly feared
She lost her mother
The one who always loved her
Body had succumb to cancer
She spent her times search for an answer
At the bottom of cans,
Inside some guys pants,
Giving pleasure with her hands.

The start of your downfall Natalie,
When you first started trying to escape reality.

She dropped out
Always partying now
Always wearing a shroud
To protect her from the rain of a lingering cloud

Her Dad wasn't the same
She was the one to blame
Brother moved out of the house,
Dad would always shout
Even when he had nothing to shout about

Ten years passed
Living in the lowest class
Racing to the bottom of a glass
Slowly dying and selling ass

She's hooked, needing a fix
Getting high and sucking dicks
If she's on the ground she feels like shit
Perverts searching for whore who will get sick

Selling sex
Getting high
Feeling her best
Trying to leave this realm behind

That old whore Natalie
Trying to escape reality
Not fighting her addiction
Flying through dimensions
Taking trips to space, an astronaut
Who says happiness can't be bought?
Escaping Earth's orbit with ecstasy,
But when is her Apollo 13?