The Door to Nothing

[heslopian]

Second edit:
All that is lush and green and provoking and painful
rests on our side; on the other, darkness.
The choice to sacrifice one's consciousness
may keep it alive, like a sin
which is destroyed by knowledge of it.
I'm ascending the steps of this life
with a gun in my pocket.

First edit:
The door to nothing stands ajar.
All that is lush and green and provoking and painful
rests on our side; on the other is darkness,
an absence of sorrow or love.
The choice to sacrifice your consciousness
may keep it alive, like a sin
which is destroyed by knowledge of it.
I'm ascending the steps of this life
with a gun in my pocket.

Original:
The door to nothing stands ajar.
All that is green and provoking and painful
rests on our side; on the other side is darkness,
an absence of sorrow or love.
The choice to sacrifice your consciousness
may keep it alive, like a sin
which is destroyed by knowledge of it.
I'm ascending the steps of this life
with a gun in my pocket.

[brandontoh]

This overall feels quite abstract. Is that what you're going for?

The door to nothing stands ajar. -- From the start, the question of what the door exactly is is introduced. I'm intrigued, and want to know what it really is.
All that is green and provoking and painful -- Does green represent jealousy? Provoking and painful, sounds like one's lover being stolen. The intriguing feeling is still there, but because you didn't really continue with the metaphor the impact is lessened. Also the word choices seem to be falling into a cliche.
rests on our side; on the other side is darkness, -- Once again this is rather cliche as well. Personally, at this point, I'm losing interest quite quickly.
an absence of sorrow or love.
The choice to sacrifice your consciousness
may keep it alive, like a sin -- Ditto these 3 lines. However, you avoided going into cheese territory. better word choices here, and my interest is back, but not totally.
which is destroyed by knowledge of it.
I'm ascending the steps of this life
with a gun in my pocket. -- Great finish! =) I really like the last 3 lines. However, the whole poem feels a little lackluster. I feel that your choice of metaphor is not used to its fullest. While the poetic language employed is good, the imagery remains weak and never really manage to immerse me into it. Hope I'm of help, since I'm just telling you my thought process when reading it. Also hope I don't come off as too harsh. Guess my expectation is sort of raised after your previous 2 poems I read. =)

[heslopian]

Thank you for your honest feedback, brandontoh, and so long as you're not personally insulting me feel free to be harsh Your feedback was very thorough and useful. This is a fairly old poem, from around the middle of last year, so I don't quite remember the process that went into it, but I think it was meant to be abstract. It's about suicide. "Green" represents grass/lushness etc.

[Kreative]

I new to this but I really liked this poem.(I'm into suicide for some reason.) I must say that, as brandontoh said, the green is misleading and kind of confusing. Before reading your comment I was lost in the meaning behind your choice of words, but after reading your comment, then reading it again, I feel a little bit stupid for not realizing its symbolism.

Perhaps "All that is lush and green and provoking and painful" would help with the confusion, and I kind of like when poems bend the rules of English, like with using "and" like that.

Overall good, lackluster wouldn't be the word I used to describe it, suicide can be viewed different ways, again, I really love this.

[Stalker]

Hi Heslopian

green? - well they said it above - also 'ascending'?

why is it suicide and yet you are ascending?

I like the title - and that first image of the open door - just push it a little and you will be through.

rests on our side; on the other side is darkness => on this line, can you find another way to say it so that you don't need to repeat side?

why is it 'our'?

cheers

StalKeR

[heslopian]

Thank you for your feedback, Kreative I really like your idea about adding "lush" to that line; I don't know why I didn't think of that myself. I'll make an edit once I've finished replying to comments.

Thank you for your feedback, Stalker I chose "ascending" because the narrator's still living and growing, he's just doing so with a gun in his pocket. "Our" means the human side. I'll just delete the "side" after "other"; thanks again.

[lolo]

First edit:
The door to nothing stands ajar.
All that is lush and green and provoking and painful
rests on our side; on the other is darkness,
an absence of sorrow or love.
The choice to sacrifice your consciousness
may keep it alive, like a sin
which is destroyed by knowledge of it.
I'm ascending the steps of this life
with a gun in my pocket.

Original:
The door to nothing stands ajar.
All that is green and provoking and painful
rests on our side; on the other side is darkness,
an absence of sorrow or love.
The choice to sacrifice your consciousness
may keep it alive, like a sin
which is destroyed by knowledge of it.
I'm ascending the steps of this life
with a gun in my pocket.

Hi Heslopian,

This is an insightful, thought provoking poem.

I think you may reconsider the title because it doesn't come across clearly that it's about suicide.

Should L4 say ....sorrow and love?

'...choice to sacrifice your consciousness maykeep it alive, like a sinwhich is destroyed by knowledge of it.- I'm assuming 'it' refers to the tendency. If so the lines seem self contradictory.
Thanks for the read.

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind feedback, lolo

[billy]

hi jack, came to this one late so i'll reply to the edit

seems like i went heavy on the crit but really most of the suggestions are just cosmetic, you have the base of a good solid poem i think.

thanks for the read

First edit:
The door to nothing stands ajar. seeing as this is also the title, is stands ajar needed?
All that is lush and green and provoking and painful unusually, i like the ands in this line, it feels clingy
rests on our side; on the other is darkness, would 'on the other, darkness.' tighten it up enough to be used?
an absence of sorrow or love. is sorrow or love strong enough, are they needed? a suggest would be not to use them or to use God or something else as though your blaming or it's their fault.
The choice to sacrifice your consciousness would one's work better than your...i'm not contemplating it
may keep it alive, like a sin
which is destroyed by knowledge of it.
I'm ascending the steps of this life i like the ending, it's very bullish and makes the 1st person seem stronger.
with a gun in my pocket.

[heslopian]

Thank you for your feedback, Billy I like your suggestions. I'll do another edit with some of them added.