12 - 4am

[brandontoh]

Hello! =) For the past few days I haven't been posting as often due to Chinese New Year festivities. Now I'm finally back, and I guess I'll start the new year (according to the Chinese calendar) with a poem! Thanks for reading my poem!! =)

1st Edit:
12am-4am
It's the last train.
Empty vessel
Steaming through
The frozen world.

Can't move.
Icy breath --
I’m still alive.

There it goes;
The last bustle.
The final sound
Still echoes.

Apathetic,
Or a little
Depressed
Still.

To move on,
I'll let the moon
Swallow me.


Original:
12am-4am
It's the last train.
An empty vessel
Steaming through
The frozen world.

I can't move.
Icy breath
My sole life sign.

Watched it pass;
The last bustle
Of the night.
The final sound
Still echoes.

Apathetic,
Or a little
Depressed.

Reality
An impasse.
To move on,
I Let the moon
Swallow me.

[heslopian]

12am-4am
It's the last train.
An empty vessel
Steaming through
The frozen world. I like the semantic field ("empty", "steaming", "frozen"). "Empty vessel" could be seen as having another, metaphorical meaning, as in the phrase "empty vessels make the most noise". I like that hidden subtlety.

I can't move.
Icy breath
My sole life sign. I'm really picking here, but there's life signs besides "icy breath", like vision and feeling cold. Unless you're saying that icy breath is the only life sign a passerby would perceive, but even then standing up would be another.

Watched it pass; Should this be a colon? You're indicating, I think, that this half of the sentence leads into the next, rather than that they're separate clauses.
The last bustle
Of the night.
The final sound
Still echoes.

Apathetic,
Or a little
Depressed.

Reality
An impasse.
To move on,
I Let the moon "let"
Swallow me.

A nicely atmospheric and haunting poem. The faults noted above are really very picky. I'd have liked a bit more ebb and flow - the poem's made out of staccato sentences, almost like a telegram - but it's still effective at conveying a deep, if temporary, loneliness. The last two lines remind me of one from Sylvia Plath: "The moon is no door." Thank you for the read

[Todd]

Brandon, this won't be the most extensive critique I've given. I wanted to point out though what most stood out to me when I read your poem.

I like this image of a train streaming through a frozen world. I like that it than shifts to the speaker who is also frozen. It seems like a metaphor for thoughts moving but an inability to take action. I also really love the last image with the moon. That its the last train might also talk about being at some final point of decision.

I think if this were mine I'd be looking to pare it down so that the imagery popped even more. I could attempt to do it some, but I'll leave most of it up to you. For illustration, here's the kind of paring I might do in the first strophe.


It's the last train
Steaming through
The frozen world

I think going tighter may bring this out more.

Just a thought.

Best,

Todd

[lolo]

Hi Brandon,
I liked many things about the poem lovely lines like, 'I Let the moon
Swallow me.', and that it was rich in sights and sounds. I thought some bits were a little choppy- stanza 2 eg.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers,

[brandontoh]

Hes, Todd, lolo, thanks for the feedback!! I'll be rewording a few lines and the first edit should be up very soon. Thanks again!!

[brandontoh]

First edit is up! =) Do tell me if this is better or not! Thanks~

[Todd]

Hi Brandon, Nice edit. I think you could even pare further. Comments below:

1st Edit:
12am-4am
It's the last train.--Could you move empty up after last and kill the next line. It depends how important the vessel thing is to you.
Empty vessel
Steaming through
The frozen world.

Can't move.
Icy breath --
I’m still alive.--frozen carries with it the idea of being still. Why not use this more. Maybe cut I'm

There it goes;
The last bustle.
The final sound
Still echoes.--This is a great line, and emphasizes still again subtlety

Apathetic,
Or a little
Depressed.--I would put the lone word still under depressed. Just a thought

Reality
An impasse.
To move on,
I'll let the moon
Swallow me.--two options to think about: maybe cut Reality an impasse to move on and just use the last two lines. Or maybe the last three lines

I do like this poem. Just giving you options.

Best,

Todd

[hobbit86]

Although in Serious Critique and it's a critique you are wanting...I am unable to do that...but I would like to comment if ok?

I really like the short, snappyness to this poem. Really flows nicely. You can really feel the isolation in this poem. The feeling of standing on an empty station on a winters night...the echo of footsteps, the echo of your breath.

Favourite lines are

I can't move.
Icy breath
My sole life sign.

Watched it pass;
The last bustle
Of the night.
The final sound
Still echoes.

That real sense of loneliness, watching everyone else whizzing by in the bustle of their lives...standing on the edge, in the cold, alone...

Curious as to the meaning behind it? What prompted you to write this poem? what were you feeling at the time?

Not sure if meant to ask this on here, but just curious to the 'behind the poem' questions...

[brandontoh]

Thanks Todd, hobbit! =) I've edited it once again. For now I think I'll keep it that way. =D Thanks for the feedback and for reading it! =D

Well I just thought of how it feels to be alone in a station and sitting there after the last train leaves. I thought of how the whole mood will be like, and just put it down on paper. It's about loneliness and detachment from others. This was a piece that I written during my poetry chess game with Todd, so I was mainly trying to think of something to write for my move. So well, I guess I was feeling rather... normal when this was written? It's just a simple poem that came from a spark of inspiration.

[Todd]

I like where you took this.