Warming Hearts - Edit

[seriouslyme]

Edit of Warming Hearts

The morning light creeps through
tiny slits between each blind.
Its gentle radiance on my face
Nudges me awake.
Readying myself for the day
bouncing lightly between rooms,
then a scroll through my mind
for something maybe forgotten.
The snow, a vast blanket
of blinding whiteness
from the sun's touch.
The cold, not yet reaching my bones,
but I brace for the shiver and shock
That'll rip through me.
Opening the door, approaching
the arctic chill, like tiny blades
Puncturing my warmth, and dissipating it
as air escapes a pin-pricked balloon.
Nearby though, beyond the frost
A thaw lingers, waiting to blanket
the crystalline icy sheath,
melting the hardened shell,
softening the earth under foot,
brightening the pervasive gray,
warming hearts.



Original

The morning light creeps through
the tiny slits between each blind.
Its subtle voice, nudging me awake
speaking softly in my ear,
"life continues today, embrace it."
The routine, the preparation,
The bouncing through the house
remembering it all but wondering
what have I forgotten.
Out the window snow has taken over,
the whiteness blinding
as the sun touches its surface.
Without yet feeling the pervasive frost,
I imagine the bitter cold ripping through me.
I swing open the door
and charge into the piercing chill
but in the background of the frost,
a thaw hides,
waiting to blanket its warmth,
melting hearts.

-Heather

[Todd]

Hi Heather,

A few comments on your poem below:

One thing that stands out to me as a possible issue is an over reliance on modifiers, rather than continuing to develop your imagery.

I enjoyed your first two lines, but then I get to:

subtle voice
speaking softly

later you have

pervasive frost
piercing chill

I'd like to see less adjective and stronger nouns. I'd like to see more interesting use of imagery as a substitute.

You also have the light talking to you, giving you affirmations. It may be better to see it performing a more physical action that results in these ideas. As it sits, it comes across a bit like a motivational talk, and that in and of itself doesn't carry a lot of emotive power.

You do have some nice lines mixed in here. I like what you do with the sun on the snow and the whiteness blinding for instance. As I said, I like the initial image in the first two lines. Also, your last three lines have some promise.

I hope some of these comments will be helpful to you as you consider your poem.

Best,

Todd

[seriouslyme]

Todd,

Thank you for your comments, I will definitely attempt a re-write with your suggestions, using more physical imagery.

Thanks,
Heather

[brandontoh]

remember this is mild critique guys

The morning light creeps through
the tiny slits between each blind. -- A little cliche, but the second line saves it. Good imagery to start with.
Its subtle voice, nudging me awake -- As Todd mentioned, the use of subtle makes the line weak. Try to describe how the voice is subtle instead?
speaking softly in my ear,
"life continues today, embrace it." -- It's another cliche, but nothing to save it this time. Good message, but it's an angle done many times before.
The routine, the preparation, -- Personally I'd start a new stanza here, since dividing a poem up into different stanzas will allow an easier read and also to let the imageries and ideas flow better.
The bouncing through the house
remembering it all but wondering
what have I forgotten. -- You sidestepped the cliche in these 3 lines. Good imagery. The problem though, is that for something that I feel is attempting a personal voice, the language employed is very impersonal. It's about word choices here. Rather than just telling readers so directly, maybe you can try to describe how it feels to remember everything but knowing you forgot something?
Out the window snow has taken over, -- This line is weak. It's too 'telling'.
the whiteness blinding
as the sun touches its surface. -- These 2 are good. The imagery is strong, and you managed to illustrate a scene without using too many words.
Without yet feeling the pervasive frost, -- The problem here is not as bad as the one with 'subtle voice', but it can be tightened too.
I imagine the bitter cold ripping through me.
I swing open the door -- Again, the language is too impersonal. This pulls the reader out of the experience.
and charge into the piercing chill
but in the background of the frost,
a thaw hides,
waiting to blanket its warmth,
melting hearts. -- Good end. Strong imagery once again.

-Heather

Overall, I feel that you oscillate between good and bad lines, but it's leaning more towards the good side. Also, do think about breaking this poem into different stanzas. I only mentioned one break, but I do feel that it could be stronger as 3 or 4 stanzas. It was a very enjoyable read. I especially like how you're able to sidestep cliche and your imageries, when they're strong. Hope to see more from you, and hope I'm of help! =) Remember, my feedback is my personal opinion, so take what you will, and toss what you don't need.

[seriouslyme]

Thank you for the comments. I will take what you have suggested and give it some thought. I think I need to stay away from the cliches it seems. Also, I do get caught in saying it directly, opposed to providing an illustration of how it looks or how it feels... not just that it is. I get that now, and see where I get off track. I've been away from writing for almost two years, so it's sometimes a slow climb back.

Thanks again!
Heather

[billy]

Hi heather, great to see you posting poetry, great to see you giving feedback ><

todd metioned images, brandon cliche. so i won't. i'll ment baggage, packing etc, the tiny words that add nothing, i've highlighted some for you to think about and there are a few more, some poetry works better with them some work less well, as the writer you have to decide how they work in your poem. you have the core of a good poem here, it just needs an edit

thanks for the read.

The morning light creeps through
the tiny slits between each blind.
Its subtle voice, nudging me awake
speaking softly in my ear,
"life continues today, embrace it."
The routine, the preparation,
The bouncing through the house
remembering it all but wondering
what have I forgotten.
Out the window snow has taken over,
the whiteness blinding
as the sun touches its surface.
Without yet feeling the pervasive frost,
I imagine the bitter cold ripping through me.
I swing open the door
and charge into the piercing chill
but in the background of the frost, watch out for word repetition, try and use a simile, unless it's intended or a refrain.
a thaw hides,
waiting to blanket its warmth,
melting hearts.

-Heather

[seriouslyme]

Thanks for reading, Billy, and for taking the time to add your comments. I am taking them into consideration and have re-written this poem. Will add the edit later today. Hope to hear your views on those changes.

Heather

Hi heather, great to see you posting poetry, great to see you giving feedback ><

todd metioned images, brandon cliche. so i won't. i'll ment baggage, packing etc, the tiny words that add nothing, i've highlighted some for you to think about and there are a few more, some poetry works better with them some work less well, as the writer you have to decide how they work in your poem. you have the core of a good poem here, it just needs an edit

thanks for the read.

The morning light creeps through
the tiny slits between each blind.
Its subtle voice, nudging me awake
speaking softly in my ear,
"life continues today, embrace it."
The routine, the preparation,
The bouncing through the house
remembering it all but wondering
what have I forgotten.
Out the window snow has taken over,
the whiteness blinding
as the sun touches its surface.
Without yet feeling the pervasive frost,
I imagine the bitter cold ripping through me.
I swing open the door
and charge into the piercing chill
but in the background of the frost, watch out for word repetition, try and use a simile, unless it's intended or a refrain.
a thaw hides,
waiting to blanket its warmth,
melting hearts.

-Heather

---

Edit of Warming Hearts

The morning light creeps through
tiny slits between each blind.
Its gentle radiance on my face
Nudges me awake.
Readying myself for the day
bouncing lightly between rooms,
then a scroll through my mind
for something maybe forgotten.
The snow, a vast blanket
of blinding whiteness
from the sun's touch.
The cold, not yet reaching my bones,
but I brace for the shiver and shock
That'll rip through me.
Opening the door, approaching
the arctic chill, like tiny blades
Puncturing my warmth, and dissipating it
as air escapes a pin-pricked balloon.
Nearby though, beyond the frost
A thaw lingers, waiting to blanket
the crystalline icy sheath,
melting the hardened shell,
softening the earth under foot,
brightening the pervasive gray,
warming hearts.