After Ever After (revision)

[Todd]

Revision

Yes, children's tales are often sad.
No magic spirit to implore.
A wardrobe may change king to lad,
to walk the path they walked before.

No magic spirit to implore.
A frosted cake can't make them grow
to walk the path they walked before.
The looking glass cannot bestow.

A frosted cake can't make them grow,
nor shattered shoe upon the stair.
The looking glass cannot bestow
a ballroom dance without a snare.

A wardrobe may change king to lad.
Yes, children's tales are often sad.

~~~
Thank you Billy and Leanne for the help getting here.

Original

A child's tale is often sad.
Imagination won't transform.
A wardrobe may change king to lad,
but old inside they must conform.

Imagination won't transform.
A frosted cake can't make them grow,
but old inside they must conform.
The looking glass cannot bestow.

A frosted cake can't make them grow,
nor shattered shoe upon the stair.
The looking glass cannot bestow
a ballroom dance without a snare.

A wardrobe may change king to lad.
A child's tale is often sad.






(Title change Pantoum Sonnet from the chess thread with Brandon. Here's the form: http://bensonofjohn.co.uk/poetry/formsse...m%20Sonnet )

[billy]

the links not working but i see what you did. it reads very well and the refrains were easy and non intrusive. great effort

A child's tale is often sad. is there half a foot missing here, or are you seeing childs as chi-ilds
Imagination won't transform.
A wardrobe may change king to lad,
but old inside they must conform. this line is the only nit for me, i'm just not sure how to read it.

Imagination won't transform.
A frosted cake can't make them grow,
but old inside they must conform.
The looking glass cannot bestow.

A frosted cake can't make them grow,
nor shattered shoe upon the stair.
The looking glass cannot bestow
a ballroom dance without a snare. i really like this stanza, this last line particularly, snare feels good on more than one level.

A wardrobe may change king to lad.
A child's tale is often sad.






(Title change Pantoum Sonnet from the chess thread with Brandon. Here's the form: http://bensonofjohn.co.uk/poetry/formsse...m%20Sonnet )

[Todd]

Hi Billy,

Thanks for the feedback. I don't write like this often so that makes your comments even more valuable to me.

the links not working but i see what you did. it reads very well and the refrains were easy and non intrusive. great effort

A child's tale is often sad. is there half a foot missing here, or are you seeing childs as chi-ilds--I was reading child's as 2 syllables. In retrospect that's a mistake. I'll have to come up with an alternative.
Imagination won't transform.
A wardrobe may change king to lad,
but old inside they must conform. this line is the only nit for me, i'm just not sure how to read it. --I think I may need to rework this. Here's what I was going for and the line probably isn't sufficient for it. I was thinking of Narnia and how awful it would have been to be a queen or king for at least a decade and then be made a child again. Having to go back to school, obeying parents, having to hide what you were. The Pantoum doesn't give a lot of space for that. I'll give it some thought.

Imagination won't transform.
A frosted cake can't make them grow,
but old inside they must conform.
The looking glass cannot bestow.

A frosted cake can't make them grow,
nor shattered shoe upon the stair.
The looking glass cannot bestow
a ballroom dance without a snare. i really like this stanza, this last line particularly, snare feels good on more than one level. --happy to hear that

A wardrobe may change king to lad.
A child's tale is often sad.






(Title change Pantoum Sonnet from the chess thread with Brandon. Here's the form: http://bensonofjohn.co.uk/poetry/formsse...m%20Sonnet )

Thanks again billy.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

i thought of narnia when i read the line
it's simplistic but i'd suggest something along the lines of;

but once back home they must conform of course it needs doing better than that

to abdicate and then conform ....

[Leanne]

Try:

"Yes, children's tales are often sad"

[Todd]

Billy: nice possible substitute. I think though I need to settle on an image that can do more of the work in less space.

Leanne: Thanks. That's a good option.

[Leanne]

what about just "grown old inside"?

---

sorry... little bits of rubbish are about my limit for critiquing today

[Todd]

Well given that I'm working with butterfly cocoon imagery...your option may be better. I wonder if perform is better than conform if I keep a similar line?

[Leanne]

reform?

[Todd]

Possible, I just thought of something that may be a slight restructuring but may say it better.

[Leanne]

I like that

[Todd]

I like that

p

Good to hear