A Lover's Suicide

[Kreative]

I carved our names into that tree
Forever, you and me
But it didn't last forever, did it?

How was I supposed to know
That you had to go
To Heaven, or someplace else
Maybe even hell
Did you even believe in God? I could never tell

Was it painful when you died?
In that moment, did you cry?
A bloody farewell without a goodbye.

When I asked if you were okay,
If you needed me to stay,
If you'd make it through this day,
Did you lie
When you said you were fine?

Did you think of God when you pulled you pulled the trigger?
Did you think of your family?
Did you think of me?
Was the problem so big, maybe even bigger
Than all of us could tell,
That you'd rather take your ticket to Hell?
Leave us all behind
Not think of how we'd cry

Did you often think of death
And how you'd be next?
But by your own hand,
That gun in your clutch
Leaving me wanting just to feel your touch,
Your embrace
Just to see that smiling face
One last time
And hold you in these arms of mine

I hope, I wish, I pray there's an afterlife
So, in the least, I can say goodbye
But for now,
This poem has to suffice.

[cidermaid]

Hi Kreative,
It is always difficult when someone puts up a post like this as the question is always there in the mind to know if this is one of those personal poems that has been writen to help express pain or if it is just simple a creative piece and has no personal attachment to the writer. As this has been posted in the novice section (and so for some critique) I will offer a couple of comments.

This has a nice open stanza which with the second stanza kept to a reasonable rythme and you seemed to settle upon a rhyme and rythem patteren for the first 4, after this section these aspects were largley abandoned. This might have been deliberate to try and show the distaction and effects of pain upon the speaker but it was equally distracting to the reader.
Perhaps as starting point, try and keep the line length and the metre (or flow as you read it outloud) the same throughout the poem.
Your poem was effective in saying what needed to be said, but I would have liked a few more image rich lines and less facual ways of expressing the story and emotions in your poem.
These are just my opinions and I hope they are helpful to you. Everyone on the site will have differing ideas. It is always recomended that you weigh everything against your own ideas and perhaps wait for a few other comments.

Regards AJ.

[billy]

the last two lines feel trite, you need a comma after the 1st pulled unless the 2nd one is typo. the poem isn't bad and i enjoyed it but it did lack a few images. at present it's too much tell, some of the cliche could be replaced. a great effort, but it needs a good edit. the poem is about a lovers suicide, the title says it all, which sort of makes the poem less that what it actually is.

[nothing_good16]

This poem really pulled alot of emotion out of me. I like how you question the person (who committed suicide?). I enjoyed the imagery but believe the poem would benefit from a little more of it. :-)