Fading

[there's-a-war-in-my-mind]

dark was i
and the thoughts in my head.
consumed by remorse
i toyed with death

forgotten felt i
and the things i had said.
i lay down with the leaves
throat on fire, eyes red

unwanted was i,
out of place everywhere.
if i disappeared now
the sky would not care

impermeable i had
began to become,
a lion-hearted girl
insults conjured like venom

imposing was i
on the happiness there.
wasted, wide-eyed,
"love me", i dared

lost i felt
in the depths of your bed.
my mind turned to God
"he loves you", they said

unhappy was i
and the thoughts in my head,
so i leapt from the spire
to run with the dead

[cidermaid]

Hi there,
this is the first post from you I have seen...I am sure you have been welcomed to the site by others...but greetings and a warm welcome from me.
I'm not sure how much experiance you have had with recieving critique but from experiance I know it can be hard at times, so i will try to offer just one comment for now.
I likes many things in your poem. the simple rhymes on the 2nd and 4th line of each stanza. The pattern and regularlity of the line length i think helped the read as well.

My only comment would be that for me the read was spoilt by the use of (as some of the other's on the site call it) "Yoda speak" I would suggest taking out the was I from each of the first lines and allowing the word choice of expressed feeling do the work by standing alone. (and then also will need to remove some of the and words from the next line)
With the exception of stanza 4 where i would leave the extra words in but change the syntax round to read Impermable i had.

Hope this is of some help

AJ.

[serge gurkski]

Welcome

a very distinctive voice here. I will come back to this.

cheers
Serge

[hobbit86]

Straight off I like this poem, the use of rhyme (I'm a sucker for rhyme when it isn't cheesy!), but my only problem, and it's just they way I've grown up...there's a lack of capital letters! fine to start off the line without, but the use of 'i' instead of 'I' just puts me off a bit...otherwise great poem. Easy to read, and to understand and get a sense of the poets mood.