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"Serpent" ... or something to do with reflex, or cause and effect, or unwanted results. hay-elp!
The frost hung shapes on my breath
tonight
meeting the crumpled imp-
lication of skin un-
dressed
With a murder of screeching birds
cracking skulls, necks
wings
against their bone-barred cage
I know you heard them
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Welcome back J! I've just moved your poem from Serious to Mild -- we've changed the rules a little since you were here last, so we prefer people to post a few critiques of their own before posting in Serious -- I know you'll be good with that, but rules is rules
Nice opening line and an interesting inversion of the more usual imagery.
Liking the break on imp-, that adds a nice bit of ambiguity, but I'm not at all sure of the purpose of repeating it on un-, that just doesn't seem to hold its own.
Bone-barred cage -- ribs? So the wild action discussed in that stanza is the heart? It's good, I'm just clarifying that I'm on the right track (or not!)
I wonder if the last line would benefit from "too" at the end.
Terrific to read your stuff again, make yourself at home.
It could be worse
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02-07-2013, 05:43 PM
(This post was last modified: 02-07-2013, 05:45 PM by billy.)
i see it as a literal sanke but not the slither kind. i get an impression of streetwalker (mainly from the first line) with the lines formatted the enjambment works without i don't think it does.
i think it;s a well written poem. good to see ya on the site
(02-07-2013, 05:19 PM)jestalessa Wrote: "Serpent" ... or something to do with reflex, or cause and effect, or unwanted results. hay-elp!
The frost hung shapes on my breath
tonight
meeting the crumpled imp-
[ind][ind][ind] [ind][ind][ind] [ind]lication of skin un-
[ind][ind][ind] [ind][ind][ind][ind][ind][ind][ind][ind][ind][ind] dressed i've tried to set this out for you to look snake like which is what i think you wanted to do. visually it adds something
With a murder of screeching birds
cracking skulls, necks
wings
against their bone-barred cage i like the image of restriction.
I know you heard them
as for the title, i think it works if my takes right, if not then i'm not sure what to suggest.
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woohoo! found it. [:
Leanne, you had it bang on for interpretation. it was meant to be this person/woman doing something against her feelings; not her will, as she's obviously doing it willingly, but against her innards. i had hoped it might come across that she was doing it for this other person and s/he was taking advantage, even though s/he knew what the narrator felt.
and Billy, that's almost exactly how i had it structured on my DU post, i just didn't fix it with the formatting here. good call, and glad you liked it. maybe that interpretation will help with title suggestion? i'll go do some critiquing myself now. [:
thank you both.
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A strange and creepy poem. You're fond of the word "murder" in that context, I've noticed
The mix of derangement and sensuality is startling. The last two line breaks in verse one subtly almost leer at the reader, with "lication" sounding like a sexual act. The second verse is harsh and brutal; it's a perfect semantic field of violence. Thank you for the read
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
