Buteo

[AisforApple]

A dusty desert night's sky ago,
Before we got the car, before we had the baby,
Red-tailed hawks circled a jackalope's carcass
Thirty feet from where we buried our heads in the sand

In deep disclosing darkness, we would have mistaken them for bats
But because the desert sky glows green at night,
We looked up into the rings of heaven
And saw angels.





(A little short, I know, but it's the first one I've submitted for serious critique, so any feedback is greatly appreciated!)

[Pete Ak]

Hello AisforApple - first of all the title offered me no help, I was neither drawn to the poem nor repelled which is arguably worse than both. So I began reading in the dark as it were.
S1: I was met by a line that struggles to open the poem, not only does the combination of words clunk and grind against each other but there is also a problem with meaning... you're trying to express the passage of time by reference to the sky as if to say ' it happened a sky ago' makes sense. If you meant 'a night ago' you'd do better to say simply that, though I suspect you mean it to refer to a long time given what follows.
Next two lines work well for me but L4 suffers for the cliche not just because it is a cliche but also for me because of the silly image it encourages. Besides these two points of course we R's are given no clue regarding the issue about which you have buried your head.
S2: "deep disclosing darkness" - alliteration is all very well but it does need to make sense, this darkness is 'disclosing' I want to know what and how. Also the identity of 'them' could be made easier to determine, I was unsure initially, thinking you were still talking about 'our heads' before concluding it must be the hawks.
If there's a desert that glows green at night it merits explanation as does why it, glowing green, makes you look up (maybe incautious use of "because" in L2).
Lastly I don't know where the 'rings of Heaven' might be or what purpose they serve - nor am I convinced about the manifest presence of angels. I suspect there are more like me who'll find the poem unconvincing too. Despite the fact you have a poetic voice I feel you're striving too hard with it in this piece, at the expense of content and to some extent form (but I'm no good with 'form' myself so had better not comment on it.)
I'm also sure there is a neat poem in there somewhere - if you go for revision/re-working I'd suggest you open the piece out with explanation.

[Todd]

Hi Anna,

Here are some comments for you:

So the title references the hawks in Latin but what do you think it adds to the poem. It feels like a place holder that gives no insight. Maybe I'm missing something though.

A dusty desert night's sky ago,--I found this a little modifier heavy for an opening. Also, I doubt you need "ago" when you have before in the next line twice. You may want to consider paring it down and ending on sky going for place not time with this line
Before we got the car, before we had the baby,--You can cut the "we got the" "we had the" So, the people are walking. The car later implies that they would have sped by the scene with out noticing. The baby imples more complications and distractions.
Red-tailed hawks circled a jackalope's carcass--I like the directness of this line
Thirty feet from where we buried our heads in the sand--The cliche makes me lose confidence in whatever observation your building here. I don't see a purpose for keeping this line as it is written. I don't see what thirty feet away tells me that is important.

In deep disclosing darkness, we would have mistaken them for bats--deep disclosing darkness sounds interesting on the surface with its alliteration. Where I have issues with it are that deep isn't interesting in its own right, and disclosing isn't what you are describing here. Disclosing implies that something unknown would be reveled. What you're actually saying is that something you see clearly is obscured. This line can work it just needs to be tightened in the beginning and pared down overall.
But because the desert sky glows green at night, --This for me is the first really interesting line. More on that later
We looked up into the rings of heaven
And saw angels.--I also like these last few lines.





(A little short, I know, but it's the first one I've submitted for serious critique, so any feedback is greatly appreciated!)

Now let's go beyond the line by line thing for a moment. You have a couple considering a past event where they walked (didn't drive) through a desert scene. They are not distracted by the complications that their life now has. So, this is a flashback of sorts. They see hawks surrounding a carcass because of the lighting they mistake it in a fanciful way for angels hovering around maybe something dead. The possible implication is that they will escort its soul somewhere.

The poem to me could be condensed to something like this with a new title and some minor rewrites:

Before the Car, Before the Baby

On a dusty desert night,
Red-tailed hawks circled a jackalope's carcass
In the darkness, we should have mistaken them for bats
But because the desert sky glows green at night,
We looked up into the rings of heaven
And saw angels.


I'm not saying that's the only way you can go. I actually think the poem needs more to have any kind of emotional resonance. If these are the bones of the poem, my question than is why do the people need to either see angels or look back on that time and remember it. Is it because their relationship now feels dead and they hope for divine rescue. Maybe/maybe not. I think the poem needs some connection with the observers to make it successful.

I've probably said enough. I hope some of these comments will be helpful for you.

Best,

Todd