Do you fear me?

[DaedricPrince]

Feast upon the shine of my blade!
For I see the fear upon your lonesome eyes.
Besieged and imprisoned with the weakness you hide.
But I shall not be fooled!
I laugh at you, instead.
Therefore, you're a critter.
A weak, plain, critter.
So you shall die this very second;
For my eyes can bare no more.
Hideous as you may be,
Thou, will die bold.

[tectak]

Feast upon the shine of my blade!
For I see the fear upon your lonesome eyes.
Besieged and imprisoned by the weakness you hide.
But I shall not be fooled!
I laugh at you, instead.
Therefore, you're a critter.
A weak, plain, critter.
So you shall die this very second;
For my eyes can bare no more.
Hideous as you may be,
Thee, will die bold.

Phone the police.

[DaedricPrince]

Feast upon the shine of my blade!
For I see the fear upon your lonesome eyes.
Besieged and imprisoned by the weakness you hide.
But I shall not be fooled!
I laugh at you, instead.
Therefore, you're a critter.
A weak, plain, critter.
So you shall die this very second;
For my eyes can bare no more.
Hideous as you may be,
Thee, will die bold.

Phone the police.

Thank you for that random comment! I however, am afraid of cops. Soooooo......

[Leanne]

Feast upon the shine of my blade!
For I see the fear upon your lonesome eyes. -- lonesome eyes? Surely they've got one another to keep them company? Seriously, how do you see fear "upon" any kind of eye?
Besieged and imprisoned by the weakness you hide. -- fear is imprisoned by weakness? Wouldn't that make fear weaker than weakness?
But I shall not be fooled! -- fooled by what? The weakness that you can't see because it's hidden, or the fear you can't see behind the hidden weakness that's holding it prisoner?
I laugh at you, instead. -- probably a good choice. I'd be laughing at this point as well
Therefore, you're a critter. -- so you're sneaking up on a weak (but hiding it), scared (but hiding it even deeper) raccoon or something?
A weak, plain, critter. -- no, not a raccoon, something with only one colour. Maybe a rather dull possum.
So you shall die this very second; -- it's taking you more than a second to complete the threat -- poor thing's died of boredom or fear or weakness by now
For my eyes can bare no more. -- bare no more? Were you holding open your eyelids with something? No wonder you can't manage it any longer, that must have been quite painful.
Hideous as you may be, -- ugly, dull, weak, scared, but quite good at hiding critter
Thee, will die bold. -- misuse of "thee" -- if you must use an archaism (and presumably you must), then this should be "thou". I'll bet the critter is happy that its death will be bold, after all that weak hiding it's been doing

[billy]

moved to novice/lets see how it goes in here for while./admin

---

after just going through your posts it's obvious you just want to post your own poetry without giving anything back.

change your habits, you're not being fair. thank you/admin

[DaedricPrince]

Feast upon the shine of my blade!
For I see the fear upon your lonesome eyes. -- lonesome eyes? Surely they've got one another to keep them company? Seriously, how do you see fear "upon" any kind of eye?
Besieged and imprisoned by the weakness you hide. -- fear is imprisoned by weakness? Wouldn't that make fear weaker than weakness?
But I shall not be fooled! -- fooled by what? The weakness that you can't see because it's hidden, or the fear you can't see behind the hidden weakness that's holding it prisoner?
I laugh at you, instead. -- probably a good choice. I'd be laughing at this point as well
Therefore, you're a critter. -- so you're sneaking up on a weak (but hiding it), scared (but hiding it even deeper) raccoon or something?
A weak, plain, critter. -- no, not a raccoon, something with only one colour. Maybe a rather dull possum.
So you shall die this very second; -- it's taking you more than a second to complete the threat -- poor thing's died of boredom or fear or weakness by now
For my eyes can bare no more. -- bare no more? Were you holding open your eyelids with something? No wonder you can't manage it any longer, that must have been quite painful.
Hideous as you may be, -- ugly, dull, weak, scared, but quite good at hiding critter
Thee, will die bold. -- misuse of "thee" -- if you must use an archaism (and presumably you must), then this should be "thou". I'll bet the critter is happy that its death will be bold, after all that weak hiding it's been doing

Thanks for the feedback! Just to start off my comment here, this poem was mainly for a game (Rome 2 Total War) so yeah. Just getting that through.

1) The first part of the poem regarding to fear in a person's eyes. As you can tell, it's something no one can see. But in a way, in a more deep sense, you can understand a person's feelings. In this case, fear. The person that will soon be killed is watching his enemy and his blade. Coward in fear. Then as it goes along, he/she won't fear it.

2) Typo! Let's change 'imprisoned by the weakness you hide' to 'imprisoned with the weakness you hide'. Sorry for that.

3) Your first idea, correcto!

4) It's a soldier from the Roman Era. Way back then.

5) I do not know how to respond to that. Hahaha?

6...

7) Amusing. <3

8) The murderer was staring at the soon-to-be dead person in the eyes. The poem is what is on his thoughts. So the process is obviously a lot faster.

9) Is that a compliment? o:

10) Thou. Gotcha. I will keep that in mind!

[tectak]

Feast upon the shine of my blade!
For I see the fear upon your lonesome eyes.
Besieged and imprisoned by the weakness you hide.
But I shall not be fooled!
I laugh at you, instead.
Therefore, you're a critter.
A weak, plain, critter.
So you shall die this very second;
For my eyes can bare no more.
Hideous as you may be,
Thee, will die bold.

Phone the police.

Thank you for that random comment! I however, am afraid of cops. Soooooo......

.......phone his mom!

[Todd]

Feast upon the shine of my blade!
For I see the fear upon your lonesome eyes.
Besieged and imprisoned with the weakness you hide.
But I shall not be fooled!
I laugh at you, instead.
Therefore, you're a critter.
A weak, plain, critter.
So you shall die this very second;
For my eyes can bare no more.
Hideous as you may be,
Thou, will die bold.

Hi DaedricPrince,

I don't really see anything here that can be used to make an effective poem. Its trying too hard to be poetic which makes it sound forced and odd. I don't often say this, but starting from scratch may be the best idea. This is just a miss.

Best,

Todd

[serge gurkski]

quote Do you fear me? unquote

Fair enough question, but


No, I do not.

Sorry.

[DaedricPrince]

Hi DaedricPrince,

I don't really see anything here that can be used to make an effective poem. Its trying too hard to be poetic which makes it sound forced and odd. I don't often say this, but starting from scratch may be the best idea. This is just a miss.

Best,

Todd

Hello!

So....you suggest me to start over, aye? That isn't exactly...possible. Nor shall I ever do so.

I myself, do understand my poems aren't that good. However, why don't people like you (really good, apparently) actually start giving feedback and stop saying one little thing? That does not involve 'starting over'.

This is why I chose to post in the 'High Critique forum' instead..didn't work out.

[Leanne]

Please read the forum posting rules for Serious Critique. You are required to interact with other members and provide meaningful, considered feedback on their poems before posting your own/ admin

[Todd]

Okay give me a second...

---

More detail for you:

First off, your basis for this poem is a video game interaction. If this were 15 years ago, this would be like writing a poem to a Mortal Kombat fatality move. Can it be done? Sure. It has to be clever and interesting. It has to have an angle that's worth reading about. This doesn't. It has confusing language choices, a lack of precision, nothing that elevates it from a mild incoherent rant. When I say start over, it is a shorthand way of saying you don't have a good enough idea, a strong enough foundation, or good enough execution to build anything with the raw materials you've assembled.

Here are a few line comments:

Feast upon the shine of my blade!
For I see the fear upon your lonesome eyes.--So, the speaker has unsheathed their blade and the shine makes this person afraid. Lonesome eyes is a weird choice here. It would imply that there's a sexual or romantic connection between the two. Also seeing fear in the eyes is one thing (its cliche but understandable) seeing fear upon the eyes would assume that fear an abstraction has a certain form and that form is expressed upon the retinas. Its sloppy construction.
Besieged and imprisoned with the weakness you hide.--Now you use weakness another abstraction to describe fear. A concise image would be a better choice. You also have two contrasting elements. The person is besieged by these fears. Meaning they are outside of him struggling to get in. He is also imprisoned essentially behind the walls with his fears. You say the weakness is hidden obviously poorly if it is both inside his psyche and outside of it.
But I shall not be fooled!--Again with the exclamation points, I could accept the one earlier. Overusing them though doesn't give the line more impact
I laugh at you, instead.--These last two lines add nothing (bravado, dialogue). It doesn't add anything to the poem.
Therefore, you're a critter.--This is just strange.
A weak, plain, critter.--Here you reemphasize strange again. You also add the modifiers weak and plain, which are themselves weak and plain. Adjectives are no substitute for imagery. Critter is not much different than writing thing.
So you shall die this very second;--Flat dialogue with no evocative phrasing, imagery or language
For my eyes can bare no more.--Do you mean bear (as in endure)? Why do we need to focus on another pair of eyes? This feels like more filler that isn't going anywhere. There's no emotional resonance. As a reader, I don't care yet
Hideous as you may be,--The phrasing feels stilted. Hideous is another adjective too many without any imagery.
Thou, will die bold.--You shift to archaic language and it comes across awkward.

Those were my expanded thoughts. It isn't good. It isn't working. I can't tell you how to fix this, and make it effective.

I hope some of that helps. Sorry I can't be more positive.

Best,

Todd