Heart on Fire, Soul a Cliche
#1
Title courtesy of Todd! =D Thanks for reading my poem!

1st Edit:
Heart on Fire, Soul a Cliche
Raindrops are
Angel tears, God’s regret
Shed for angst.
Uniquely teens’.

Or a joke,
Saints pissing, Zeus laughing;
Cold jabs mocking misfortune.
Nature’s attempt to cool down
This overheated Earth.

Sunshine
Reflects light in heart,
Painting portraits of happiness
Seen from within concrete cages.

Or how the rays sting,
Day after day
Coded like machines
Stuck in perpetual cycle,
Contentment a false comfort.

Love,
A terminal disease
Burning hearts, drowning souls;
Forcing one to befriend
Sunshine and raindrops.

The only cure
Another with the same illness.
Side effects include illusions of grandeur,
And perceived depression when almost healed.

Coke bottles jubilant, sofas crying;
All things emote; feelings spilling over,
Like the girl next door, lamenting
Life’s unfairness while polishing nails.

Heard so often, it’s tuned out.
Listeners are left wondering
If there’s hope for the next generation.


Original:
Heart on Fire, Soul a Cliche
Raindrops are
Angel tears, God’s regret
Shed for angst.
Uniquely teens’.

Or a joke,
Saints pissing, Zeus laughing
At your picnic ruined.
Cold jabs mocking misfortune.

Sunshine
Reflects light in heart.
Birds singing under clear blue sky
Painting portrait of happiness.

Or how the rays sting,
Day after day
Coded like machines
Stuck in perpetual cycle.

Love,
A terminal disease
Burning hearts, drowning souls;
Forcing one to befriend
Sunshine and raindrops.

The only cure
Another with the same illness.
Side effects include illusions of grandeur,
And perceived depression when almost healed.

Coke bottles jubilant, sofas crying;
All things emote; feelings spilling over,
Like the girl next door, lamenting
Life’s unfairness while polishing nails.

Heard so often, it’s tuned out.
Listeners are left wondering
If there’s hope for the next generation.
-----------------------------------------------
I suddenly had the urge to write a poem with a lot of cliches, and this is what came out of it. I know that some of the word choices and structure makes the poem stiff, and I don't know how to make it more over the top. Any feedback is greatly appreciated. =) Thanks for your time!
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#2
Hey Brandon,

I've been reading this for awhile. I think I see an angle you could take.

Cliche
Cliche
Cliche
Break out of it with something incisive
Rinse, repeat

You sort of do that now with the polishing nails and how the rays sting.

Just a thought but going from surface to killer imagery back to surface would be a nice twist.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#3
Even though it's meant to be cliche, I really love the 7th stanza. The only thing that kills me is the second line...it's almost too cliche for me. Still, for a poem of cliches, I found some parts that really resonated with me, so that's very impressive. :)
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#4
Todd, Anna: Thanks for the feedback! =) I'll be sure to work on it once I get a more concrete idea! =)
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#5
Heart on Fire, Soul a Cliche
Raindrops are
Angel tears, God’s regret
Shed for angst.
Uniquely teens’.

Or a joke,
Saints pissing, Zeus laughing
At your picnic ruined.
Cold jabs mocking misfortune.

Sunshine
Reflects light in heart.
Birds singing under clear blue sky
Painting portrait of happiness.

Or how the rays sting,
Day after day
Coded like machines
Stuck in perpetual cycle.

Love,
A terminal disease
Burning hearts, drowning souls;
Forcing one to befriend
Sunshine and raindrops.

The only cure
Another with the same illness.
Side effects include illusions of grandeur,
And perceived depression when almost healed.

Coke bottles jubilant, sofas crying;
All things emote; feelings spilling over,
Like the girl next door, lamenting
Life’s unfairness while polishing nails.

Heard so often, it’s tuned out.
Listeners are left wondering
If there’s hope for the next generation.

The line 'Uniquely teens'' gave me a wry smile and I like the way you have two distinct voices in the first part. I particularly enjoyed stanzas 5 & 6 and the image of a girl 'lamenting' while 'polising her nails' is really vivid. Can't offer any advice on what to do with it but I feel that you shouldn't let it go just yet.
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#6
Thanks Bizzy! =) The first edit is up by the way! =D
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