Dream Fillfullment

[tectak]

Uncertain jerks,
prepare to prove
I am not drunk,
but merely tired;
yet wired
to this chair am I
and cannot move.

Please lift, you lids!
Cast off the lead
that weighs you down,
and pulls you shut.
Here, but
for the pulsing lights,
I could be dead.

A bladder full
of deep regret
is moving me.
I see, I think,
a sink,
tempting me to flow.
I’m feeling wet.

Oh hell, oh damn!
Now I’m awake!
They’ll see me here!
They’ll see me squirm!
I turn
away from leering eyes.
I’ve pissed a lake.

Perhaps I may
have found an out!
My glass of beer,
still in my grip,
let slip,
then swear and leap as ale
splashes about.

“Oh dear, old boy,
you’ve spilt the lot;
soon mop it up.”
“ Think beer’s bad,
Uh’ve had
a fleeling that the smell
was off, a jot”

Uncertain jerks,
where have you gone?
I walk again.
Head for the door,
the floor
is swimming as I go,
with flies undone.

Tectak
2013

[serge gurkski]

is f-l-eeling on purpose?
I like this poem a lot:
I pissed a lake is great. ,-))

[tectak]

is f-l-eeling on purpose?
I like this poem a lot:
I pissed a lake is great. ,-))

Yes to "FLEELING" and to "Fillfullment". Drunk, you see.
Thanks for getting in first....or only!

Best,
tectak

[serge gurkski]

ya, I thought you did it on purpose. ,-)
But bc you hunt me anytime i write bad I just had to pay back. ,-)

Hey, I do without dashes now. And all my hyphens are yours. (It is hard, but I can.)

---

I like a lot: filfullment.

very Jazzy, very me
if i may dare say so. ;-)

[tectak]

ya, I thought you did it on purpose. ,-)
But bc you hunt me anytime i write bad I just had to pay back. ,-)

Hey, I do without dashes now. And all my hyphens are yours. (It is hard, but I can.)

---

I like a lot: filfullment.

very Jazzy, very me
if i may dare say so. ;-)

I do not hunt you, serge, but I may haunt you. We have an english expression, there will be a german equivalent. Love me or hate me....but don't ignore me.
Your call
Best,
tectak

[serge gurkski]

I cannot ignore as much as I wanted.

Love-hate in German. Let me think ---
No, we don't have a word but we know the feeling.

We use love-hate, the English term to refer
to what you mean. I mostly love-hate women back.
I don't rejoice I can't help it. Sigh!

<

[Pete Ak]

I like this poem, does the rhyme scheme have a formal name? It's interesting and your consistency is admirable. Also the content is amusing.
My only area of concern is the first half of S2 which doesn't provide me with a strong enough image:
"Please lift, you lids!
Cast off the lead
that weighs you down,
and pulls you shut."
I don't know what's going on here but it doesn't stop me enjoying the poem.
I also feel the whole thing may be a stanza too long,the Q. I asked myself was, is the joke contained in the piece, justified by the amount of reading I have to do to get it?
Apologies - I'm struggling for critique time, so this review is v.rushed

[tectak]

I like this poem, does the rhyme scheme have a formal name?not that I know. I call it Roger It's interesting and your consistency is admirable. Also the content is amusing.
My only area of concern is the first half of S2 which doesn't provide me with a strong enough image:
"Please lift, you lids!eyelids
Cast off the lead
that weighs you down,
and pulls you shut."Surely, you've been here! It can't just be me
I don't know what's going on here but it doesn't stop me enjoying the poem.
I also feel the whole thing may be a stanza too long,the Q. I asked myself was, is the joke contained in the piece, justified by the amount of reading I have to do to get it?apparently not
Apologies - I'm struggling for critique time, so this review is v.rushed

Thanks for everything you commented on.....I am now dozing.
Best,
tectak

[brandontoh]

Uncertain jerks, -- From my experience, a drunk guy won't describe people as 'uncertain'. There's sober vocabulary and then there's drunk vocabulary.
prepare to prove
I am not drunk,
but merely tired;
yet wired
to this chair am I
and cannot move. -- The stanza nicely sets the mood and the scene for the whole poem. Personally though, I'd change the 'but merely tired' line to 'I am not drunk!', but that's totally just me.

Please lift, you lids! -- A mild-mannered drunk! They do exist after all!
Cast off the lead
that weighs you down,
and pulls you shut. -- The imagery here feels a little too forced. It works, but the wording is not consistent with the rest of the poem. It's supposed to be from the perspective of a drunk, and these 3 lines don't give me that feeling.
Here, but
for the pulsing lights,
I could be dead. -- Good lines. I really like it. It puts me back into the poem and salvages the problem the previous lines cause.

A bladder full
of deep regret
is moving me.
I see, I think,
a sink,
tempting me to flow.
I’m feeling wet. -- This stanza is my favourite. The way the lines are structured gives off a panicky feel, and the imagery comes alive here for me. The only thing I'd change is the last line. I would personally remove 'feeling', but that's just me nit-picking.

Oh hell, oh damn!
Now I’m awake! -- I feel that this line is not needed.
They’ll see me here!
They’ll see me squirm!
I turn
away from leering eyes.
I’ve pissed a lake. -- A nice jolt back into sobriety.

Perhaps I may
have found an out! -- For a person who just wet himself, he's surprisingly calm and collected. I feel that a more informal tone will immerse the readers better. For example, 'Yes, yes, there's a way out!' may allow readers tor elate better to the character's situation.
My glass of beer,
still in my grip,
let slip,
then swear and leap as ale
splashes about.-- The stanza finishes off nicely, but the imagery is kind of weak. I think the problem here is with the word choices. They're too... neutral and doesn't elicit much emotions, specifically of nervousness which I feel is apt here.

“Oh dear, old boy,
you’ve spilt the lot;
soon mop it up.”
“ Think beer’s bad,
Uh’ve had
a fleeling that the smell
was off, a jot” -- Then again, this stanza brings the scene to life once again. No complaints here.

Uncertain jerks,
where have you gone?
I walk again.
Head for the door,
the floor
is swimming as I go,
with flies undone. -- Great finish. Overall, a very enjoyable read. I just feel that some lines do jerk me out of the imagery, and I think that some rewording will complete the magic. =) Hope I'm of help!

Tectak
2013

[tectak]

Uncertain jerks, -- From my experience, a drunk guy won't describe people as 'uncertain'. There's sober vocabulary and then there's drunk vocabulary.
prepare to prove
I am not drunk,
but merely tired;
yet wired
to this chair am I
and cannot move. -- The stanza nicely sets the mood anh1td the scene for the whole poem. Personally though, I'd change the 'but merely tired' line to 'I am not drunk!', but that's totally just me.

Please lift, you lids! -- A mild-mannered drunk! They do exist after all!
Cast off the lead
that weighs you down,
and pulls you shut. -- The imagery here feels a little too forced. It works, but the wording is not consistent with the rest of the poem. It's supposed to be from the perspective of a drunk, and these 3 lines don't give me that feeling.
Here, but
for the pulsing lights,
I could be dead. -- Good lines. I really like it. It puts me back into the poem and salvages the problem the previous lines cause.

A bladder full
of deep regret
is moving me.
I see, I think,
a sink,
tempting me to flow.
I’m feeling wet. -- This stanza is my favourite. The way the lines are structured gives off a panicky feel, and the imagery comes alive here for me. The only thing I'd change is the last line. I would personally remove 'feeling', but that's just me nit-picking.

Oh hell, oh damn!
Now I’m awake! -- I feel that this line is not needed.
They’ll see me here!
They’ll see me squirm!
I turn
away from leering eyes.
I’ve pissed a lake. -- A nice jolt back into sobriety.

Perhaps I may
have found an out! -- For a person who just wet himself, he's surprisingly calm and collected. I feel that a more informal tone will immerse the readers better. For example, 'Yes, yes, there's a way out!' may allow readers tor elate better to the character's situation.
My glass of beer,
still in my grip,
let slip,
then swear and leap as ale
splashes about.-- The stanza finishes off nicely, but the imagery is kind of weak. I think the problem here is with the word choices. They're too... neutral and doesn't elicit much emotions, specifically of nervousness which I feel is apt here.

“Oh dear, old boy,
you’ve spilt the lot;
soon mop it up.”
“ Think beer’s bad,
Uh’ve had
a fleeling that the smell
was off, a jot” -- Then again, this stanza brings the scene to life once again. No complaints here.

Uncertain jerks,
where have you gone?
I walk again.
Head for the door,
the floor
is swimming as I go,
with flies undone. -- Great finish. Overall, a very enjoyable read. I just feel that some lines do jerk me out of the imagery, and I think that some rewording will complete the magic. =) Hope I'm of help!

Tectak
2013

Hi brand,
I think you have encapsulated a big problem with this...there is a lack of authenticity. I will not argue my corner. I agree.
On small issues....uncertain jerks refers, as you latterly realised, not to the stereotyped dumb american male, but to the character's muscles! The first stanzas, before awakening, are written as though semi-conscious. Our man is sitting in a drunken stupour at a party, a wake,wedding or suchlike. Lights flashing, music playing, lots of similarly affected people around. I can make a point, here. When I am pissed and dreaming ( I have lucid dreams) I do not think or speak as though drunk in the dream.....strange.
That said, I think that your comments need to be acted upon. I will get drunk again and wear incontinence pants.
Best,
tectak

---

Uncertain jerks, -- From my experience, a drunk guy won't describe people as 'uncertain'. There's sober vocabulary and then there's drunk vocabulary.
prepare to prove
I am not drunk,
but merely tired;
yet wired
to this chair am I
and cannot move. -- The stanza nicely sets the mood anh1td the scene for the whole poem. Personally though, I'd change the 'but merely tired' line to 'I am not drunk!', but that's totally just me.

Please lift, you lids! -- A mild-mannered drunk! They do exist after all!
Cast off the lead
that weighs you down,
and pulls you shut. -- The imagery here feels a little too forced. It works, but the wording is not consistent with the rest of the poem. It's supposed to be from the perspective of a drunk, and these 3 lines don't give me that feeling.
Here, but
for the pulsing lights,
I could be dead. -- Good lines. I really like it. It puts me back into the poem and salvages the problem the previous lines cause.

A bladder full
of deep regret
is moving me.
I see, I think,
a sink,
tempting me to flow.
I’m feeling wet. -- This stanza is my favourite. The way the lines are structured gives off a panicky feel, and the imagery comes alive here for me. The only thing I'd change is the last line. I would personally remove 'feeling', but that's just me nit-picking.

Oh hell, oh damn!
Now I’m awake! -- I feel that this line is not needed.
They’ll see me here!
They’ll see me squirm!
I turn
away from leering eyes.
I’ve pissed a lake. -- A nice jolt back into sobriety.

Perhaps I may
have found an out! -- For a person who just wet himself, he's surprisingly calm and collected. I feel that a more informal tone will immerse the readers better. For example, 'Yes, yes, there's a way out!' may allow readers tor elate better to the character's situation.
My glass of beer,
still in my grip,
let slip,
then swear and leap as ale
splashes about.-- The stanza finishes off nicely, but the imagery is kind of weak. I think the problem here is with the word choices. They're too... neutral and doesn't elicit much emotions, specifically of nervousness which I feel is apt here.

“Oh dear, old boy,
you’ve spilt the lot;
soon mop it up.”
“ Think beer’s bad,
Uh’ve had
a fleeling that the smell
was off, a jot” -- Then again, this stanza brings the scene to life once again. No complaints here.

Uncertain jerks,
where have you gone?
I walk again.
Head for the door,
the floor
is swimming as I go,
with flies undone. -- Great finish. Overall, a very enjoyable read. I just feel that some lines do jerk me out of the imagery, and I think that some rewording will complete the magic. =) Hope I'm of help!

Tectak
2013

Hi brand,
I think you have encapsulated a big problem with this...there is a lack of authenticity. I will not argue my corner. I agree.
On small issues....uncertain jerks refers, as you latterly realised, not to the stereotyped dumb american male, but to the character's muscles! The first stanzas, before awakening, are written as though semi-conscious. Our man is sitting in a drunken stupour at a party, a wake,wedding or suchlike. Lights flashing, music playing, lots of similarly affected people around. I can make a point, here. When I am pissed and dreaming ( I have lucid dreams) I do not think or speak as though drunk in the dream.....strange.
That said, I think that your comments need to be acted upon. I will get drunk again and wear incontinence pants.
Best,
tectak