the morning after (was: Manha de carnaval)

[serge gurkski]

Revision 2:

I lay down these notes now
for everyone to read.



I grew up with my head hidden
under bushes close to the road.
You can tell, I was scared.

It did not get better later.
Same shame and same panic.
I was good at causing me trouble.

If mom does
not exactly
love you
that much,
it makes you feel guilty.

I am sorry that I am.
I worked my way around people,
stayed at home,
masturbating my dreams
of luck to come.

It worked eventually
but I was too old then
to grasp it really.

I am free now
but it's late.
Michel Tournier’s Canada
is my Brazil (dreamland).

I feel at home best when alone.
These days I mainly cover up time.

-----------------------------


Revision 1:

I lay down these notes now
for everyone to read.



I grew up with my head hidden
under bushes close to the road.
You can tell, I was scared.

It did not get better later.
Same shame and same panic.
I was good at making me trouble.
For nothing but for being.

If you’re unwanted
by your mom, You feel guilt.
I am sorry that I am.
Life always scares me

I worked my way around people.
Stayed at home,
masturbating my dreams
of luck to come.

It did eventually
but I was too old then
to grasp it really.

I am free now
but I am late.

Michel Tournier’s Canada
is my Brazil (dreamland).
I feel at home best alone.
I care not about clichés.

I am here. I live

still

Most beautiful woman (or: human, not sure)
I ever saw passing by.

Will she love me?
She did and I lost her again.

These days I mainly cover up time,
sometimes sadly assuming she must be alive.
But these are daydreams.

I read books to her, soft-voiced,
she fell asleep then.

I kissed her tenderly
and now she is gone
and I went to her graveyard
once only.

The pain's still too big
to be fixed.

I can't.

-----------------
* Garota de Ipanema



-----------------------------------------------------

Original:

I lay down these notes now
for everyone to read.

Papers about a mission lost

http://youtu.be/nJJcW9YTlG4


I grew up with my head hidden
under bushes close to the road.
You can tell, I was scared.

It did not get better later.
Same shame and same panic.
I was good at making me trouble.
Pour rien. For nothing,
Just for being.

If you’re unwanted
by your mom, You feel guilt.

I am sorry that I am.

You can tell I was scared of
life always.

I worked my way around people.
Staid at home.
masturbating my dreams
of luck to come.
It did eventually
but I was too old then
to grasp it really.

Festival da alegria;
I work my way up
to dance on Brazilian beeches.

I am free now
but its late.
Si tard maintenant.

I am sorry that I am.
Michel Tournier’s Canada
est mon Brésil.
I feel at home best alone.
I care not about clichés.

I am here. I live

still


É a coisa mais linda que eu ja vi passar.*
Most beautiful thing I ever saw passing by.

Will she love me?
She did and I lost her again.

These days I mainly cover up time,
sometimes sadly assuming she must be alive.
But these are daydreams.

I read books to her, soft-voiced,
she fell asleep then.

I kissed her tenderly
and now she is gone
and I went to her graveyard
once only.

The pain's still too big
to be fixed.

I can't.

-----------------
* Garota de Ipanema

[billy]

hi serge. not sure the vid adds anything it wouldn't add to any other poem. so it sort of wastes time getting to the text. same with the french and portugues . much better to write them in English and use the asterisk on the lines of french a porto in the footnote. i'm fine with googling a word i don't know, in fact i enjoy broadening my vocabulary but if i wanted to broaden my language base i'd have took up language courses. on that score, i expect the poet to do all the work for me (unless it's a really common phrase that english people are well versed in. i enjoyed the closing of the poem. it has a nice serenity about it, all in all the writing is good.

I lay down these notes now
for everyone to read.

Papers about a mission lost

http://youtu.be/nJJcW9YTlG4


I grew up with my head hidden
under bushes close to the road.
You can tell, I was scared.

It did not get better later.
Same shame and same panic.
I was good at making me trouble.
Pour rien. For nothing,
Just for being.

If you’re unwanted
by your mom, You feel guilt.

I am sorry that I am. i like the dual levels of this line, sorry that you are as in entity and sorry that you're unwanted.

You can tell I was scared of i could go for this if you were going to use it as a refrain throughout the poem but the one repeat makes it feel unwarranted.
life always.

I worked my way around people.
Staid at home.
masturbating my dreams great image, not that i want to see it
of luck to come.
It did eventually
but I was too old then
to grasp it really.

Festival da alegria;
I work my way up
to dance on Brazilian beeches. nice snapshot.

I am free now
but its late.
Si tard maintenant.

I am sorry that I am. again here, i have the same problem as the repeating scared line.
Michel Tournier’s Canada
est mon Brésil.
I feel at home best alone.
I care not about clichés.

I am here. I live

still


É a coisa mais linda que eu ja vi passar.*
Most beautiful thing I ever saw passing by.

Will she love me?
She did and I lost her again.

These days I mainly cover up time,
sometimes sadly assuming she must be alive.
But these are daydreams.

I read books to her, soft-voiced,
she fell asleep then.

I kissed her tenderly
and now she is gone
and I went to her graveyard
once only.

The pain's still too big
to be fixed.

I can't. i enjoyed the closing of the poem.

-----------------
* Garota de Ipanema

[serge gurkski]

thank you for reading and commenting.
I will post the revision on top of the original. Credits for the changes go to you. (you are right ,-) )

[tectak]

Thank you to Billy. I feel this will not be the last revision. Which is why I post here


Revision 1:

I lay down these notes now
for everyone to read.



I grew up with my head hidden
under bushes close to the road.
You can tell, I was scared.

It did not get better later.
Same shame and same panic.
I was good at making me trouble.
For nothing but for being.

If you’re unwanted
by your mom, You feel guilt.
I am sorry that I am.
Life always scares me

I worked my way around people.
Stayed at home,
masturbating my dreams
of luck to come.

It did eventually
but I was too old then
to grasp it really.

Festival da alegria;
I work my way up
to dance on Brazilian beaches.

I am free now
but its late.

Michel Tournier’s Canada
is my brazil (dreamland).
I feel at home best alone.
I care not about clichés.

I am here. I live

still

Most beautiful woman (or: human, not sure)
I ever saw passing by.

Will she love me?
She did and I lost her again.

These days I mainly cover up time,
sometimes sadly assuming she must be alive.
But these are daydreams.

I read books to her, soft-voiced,
she fell asleep then.

I kissed her tenderly
and now she is gone
and I went to her graveyard
once only.

The pain's still too big
to be fixed.

I can't.

-----------------
* Garota de Ipanema



-----------------------------------------------------

Original:

I lay down these notes now
for everyone to read.

Papers about a mission lost

http://youtu.be/nJJcW9YTlG4


I grew up with my head hidden
under bushes close to the road.
You can tell, I was scared.

It did not get better later.
Same shame and same panic.
I was good at making me trouble.
Pour rien. For nothing,
Just for being.

If you’re unwanted
by your mom, You feel guilt.

I am sorry that I am.

You can tell I was scared of
life always.

I worked my way around people.
Staid at home.
masturbating my dreams
of luck to come.
It did eventually
but I was too old then
to grasp it really.

Festival da alegria;
I work my way up
to dance on Brazilian beeches.

I am free now
but its late.
Si tard maintenant.

I am sorry that I am.
Michel Tournier’s Canada
est mon Brésil.
I feel at home best alone.
I care not about clichés.

I am here. I live

still


É a coisa mais linda que eu ja vi passar.*
Most beautiful thing I ever saw passing by.

Will she love me?
She did and I lost her again.

These days I mainly cover up time,
sometimes sadly assuming she must be alive.
But these are daydreams.

I read books to her, soft-voiced,
she fell asleep then.

I kissed her tenderly
and now she is gone
and I went to her graveyard
once only.

The pain's still too big
to be fixed.

I can't.

-----------------
* Garota de Ipanema

Hi serge,
[I am finding difficulty in choosing which direction criticism should come from in this piece. First of all, I think that we are all skirting around the obvious out of misplaced diplomacy. You use expressions and words in a bizarre way which though you would have us believe is stylistic, I am increasingly beginning to believe is actually accidental. I can give examples and you can tell me I am wrong.
"I was good at making me trouble.
For nothing but for being" though just about making sense is in truth dreadful english.....but very good for a german! So here we have a problem which is purely one of translation. It can be corrected. It SHOULD be corrected.
" I was good at getting into trouble
for nothing except being me" is better.There are other examples of this type.
Billy very kindly credited you with a nuance of the language which I know was not your intention. The line was simple...and not deceptively so.
"I am sorry that I am" was meant to mean " I am sorry that I exist". That is all. To billy's credit he saw that but for punctuation it could read "
"I am sorry, that I am"....a kind of Cornish yokel-speak, and most certainly not intended,by you, to be dual meaning.
Now, the masturbation line is a little more difficult to crit because it IS a creditable line, if perhaps a little gratuitous unless you wank a good deal so use the word in a familiar, easy way. In which case there is considerable need for punctuation to avoid the reader's not unnatural tendency to look for the imagined double entendre!
So:
Staid at home. (do you mean stayed as in remained or staid as in stoic?)
masturbating my dreams
of luck to come.
Option1 )
Stayed at home masturbating, my dreams of luck to come.
Option 2) Stayed at home masturbating my dreams of luck (in order ) to come.
Option 3) Staid at home. Masturbating my dreams, of luck to come.
You see my point?
Actually, it gets better if you bring the "inability to grasp" into the mess!
What am I saying? I think we are losing some good work by you in translation. I would like you to write something in your native german....we crits could then run it through a couple of internet translators and see if we could tell the difference
Serious points.
I like your bravado in tackling complex relationship issues. I enjoy immensely your candid, unselfconscious style. I am, frankly, lost sometimes in your mangled english....though more often it is better than some natives.
I just could not help but smile at the image of you dancing on beeches
Yeah,yeah.....you really meant it.....like I love bear!
Best,
tectak

[serge gurkski]

As I said, this is not the last revision. I take my time with this one. You are of course correct about the typos. I am not too happy with the whole poem. I think it is 2 poems at least.

I am amazed at your stamina to read me so extensively and intensely. Maybe now you know this poem better than I do. No lingua in maxillam.

Because I am not a native speaker my English must sound a bit odd, which I of course don't mind. It is (almost) good enough for me. ,-)

I write in German too and you would be surprised how much criticism I get from German native speakers but mostly they shy back. I am a quite soft person and would never take a mean critique seriously in the first place. I am almost 50 and learned to cope with all kinds of strange people like myself. Once someone put a gun in my face (you know what I mean) and as if his life would depend on it tried to kill me. He was stoned but still couldn't. You will understand that I am not too easily impressed by some well-formarmaladed criticism, even if by you. ,-)

I prefer arrogant women actually. Call me kinky. I prefer them over the whiny ones. the latter I find behaving unfairly.
Arrogant males on the other hand always make me grin, simply because I don't want to fuck them, so why in all heavens should I care?
I am pretty sure you got the gist by now.

I always rejoice when you address me, even if you have no boobs to impress me with. Do you recall the Apollinaire piece: The breasts of Tiresias?

http://wikilivres.ca/wiki/Les_Mamelles_de_Tirésias

Give it a try. It won't hurt. ;-)

cheers
Serge

[serge gurkski]

I write too fast, too. So the poem for Leanne will be the last for a while. Native speaker input is vital, crucial etc for me.

I don't mind sarcasm, even if I find it mostly a tad weak, but well, I am not (completely) perfect either.

[heslopian]

Revision 1:

I lay down these notes now
for everyone to read.



I grew up with my head hidden
under bushes close to the road. An effective, original metaphor.
You can tell, I was scared.

It did not get better later.
Same shame and same panic. Good use of language to evoke mood in this line.
I was good at making me trouble. Is "me" meant to be here? It's grammatically incorrect, but I felt like maybe it was purposefully so.
For nothing but for being.

If you’re unwanted
by your mom, You feel guilt. "you"
I am sorry that I am. Simple but moving line. Almost like a twisted version of Descartes' "I think, therefore I am".
Life always scares me

I worked my way around people.
Stayed at home,
masturbating my dreams I like the duality of this line. On the one hand it works as a reference to the stereotype of the wanking male shut-in, while on the other it means mental masturbation.
of luck to come.

It did eventually
but I was too old then
to grasp it really.

Festival da alegria;
I work my way up
to dance on Brazilian beaches.

I am free now
but its late. "it's"; when abbreviating something which isn't a noun, always use an apostrophe.

Michel Tournier’s Canada
is my brazil (dreamland).
I feel at home best alone. Would this line work better as "I feel at home when I'm alone", or something of that sort? Maybe that'll change your meaning, but as it is the line feels incorrectly structured.
I care not about clichés.

I am here. I live

still

Most beautiful woman (or: human, not sure) Really sudden transition from narrator to an object of affection here.
I ever saw passing by.

Will she love me?
She did and I lost her again.

These days I mainly cover up time, I like the phrase "cover up time".
sometimes sadly assuming she must be alive.
But these are daydreams.

I read books to her, soft-voiced,
she fell asleep then.

I kissed her tenderly
and now she is gone
and I went to her graveyard
once only.

The pain's still too big
to be fixed.

I can't. I like the truncated nature of this line. It feels like it should be "I can't fix it", but taking away the last two words makes it seem like the narrator's struggling to stay composed and finish his thoughts.

Nothing I can say here which hasn't been said already, except that overall I enjoyed this poem; it was sweet and poignant. All critique is JMHO, thank you for the read.

[serge gurkski]

Thank you for your comments, Heslopian. I'll try to make some changes based on your suggestion.
I decided to cut out the sad love affair part.

If there are still grammatical errors (quite possible), they are NOT intended. ,-)

I really thank you for your input!

cheers

Serge

---

There are 2 references in rev 2 (no pun):

"I feel at home
best
when alone" refers to
Danse Russe (by WCW)

(quote:

"if I in my north room
dance naked, grotesquely
before my mirror
waving my shirt round my head
and singing softly to myself:

"I am lonely, lonely.
I was born to be lonely,
I am best so!"

If I admire my arms, my face,
my shoulders, flanks, buttocks
again the yellow drawn shades,--

Who shall say I am not
the happy genius of my household?"

The other ref is to Tournier's great novel " Le roi des aulnes ( the English translation of the title is quite close (the Ogre) but does not cover all semantic layers of the French title because Tournier himself references a sad poem by Goethe (Erlkönig) and that is a pivotal text to me.