Kelseymclemore
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He lifts me higher than any drug or any touch ever has.
I close my eyes and together we go through the clouds and past the starts, to a place that is all his own, a world of words not even speak able.
Wrapped in strange fabrics of animal print patterns and strong neon hues, he plays me music that reaches all of my senses, filling me with the ability to morph away from reality.
All the world is his stage, and all my world is his audience, dancing with open eyes and enveloped minds.
Sadly, I know I’ll have to open my eyes soon and go back to reality, cuing in the florescent lights and rows of conformed faces, but I’ll stay in this fantasy for as long as I can, because my dreams are so lucid and my minds on this man.
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It could be worse
Posts: 212
Threads: 31
Joined: Jan 2013
(02-02-2013, 05:29 AM)Kelseymclemore Wrote: Firstly, the structure to me is more prose like than anything. This reads like a paragraph, and there are poems like this, but just a warning: they're not something I'm familiar with. Personally I would be breaking lines in a different manner and cut out a lot of words, so for what it's worth, here are my thoughts.
He lifts me higher than any drug or any touch ever has. -- The second 'any' and 'ever has' can be omitted in my opinion.
I close my eyes and together we go through the clouds and past the starts, to a place that is all his own, a world of words not even speak able. -- You're trying to introduce an interesting imagery here, but the way it's presented is too flat, and lacks the impact that I think you're searching for. Try to reword the line so things are more subtle, and more emotive words are used. Words that describe how 'you' feel, and the characteristics of the world.
Wrapped in strange fabrics of animal print patterns and strong neon hues, he plays me music that reaches all of my senses, filling me with the ability to morph away from reality. -- Once again, this line is too 'telling'. Your description to me is too literal, and lacks the emotional punch that'll immerse people into your poetry. It's about word choices here.
All the world is his stage, and all my world is his audience, dancing with open eyes and enveloped minds. -- This is a good line. I like it. It's rather subtle and does provide a nice imagery to match.
Sadly, I know I’ll have to open my eyes soon and go back to reality, cuing in the florescent lights and rows of conformed faces, but I’ll stay in this fantasy for as long as I can, because my dreams are so lucid and my minds on this man. -- Again, too literal. Do inject more emotions into your poetry if you want to immerse people. For this line, I'd play up the feeling of reluctance and maybe even addiction to this world.
Hope I'm of help! =) And thanks for the read.
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