Four Hour Warning

[Keith]

1st Edit

I could have run with the others,
a deserter ahead of the holocaust,
but what would I gain.?

Instead, I sit relaxed, accept what will be;
make the most of these hourglass fragments,
at home with good friends and family.

We drink wine and dine on a light lunch with laughter,
contemplate the complicated nature of politics and war,
take time to linger, trying to understand our goodbyes.

I study her face in ways I once lost with youth,
kissing her lips with apologies of moments missed,
a cauldron of life’s passion, still boiling in her green eyes.

My voice chokes as I read out fugitive pieces,
poetry collections of memories and special places,
I wanted my tracks to be seen, set in the concrete of existence.

The words were hard to find, lost to crumpled paper and interruption,
hidden from my pen, they still elude me now,
but these people know me, even now they massage my frailties.

I stand, a fiction of my own words, no need for veils anymore,
I could never create the colours that allow words to live,
a world beyond my capture but not beyond regret.

The sirens have stopped; I reach for familiar hands,
foreheads touch, lips trace a brushed kiss before we hug;
I face the window to watch our departure,
my soul faces the door to imagine our next journey.

Original

I could have run with the others,
a deserter ahead of the holocaust,
but what would I gain.

Instead I sit relaxed, accept what will be,
make the most of these hour glass fragments,
at home with good friends and family.

We drink wine and dine on a light lunch with laughter,
contemplate the complicated nature of politics and war,
take time to linger, trying to understand our goodbyes.

Poetry collections of memories and special places,
my voice chokes as I read out these fugitive pieces,
I wanted my tracks to be seen, set in the concrete of existence.

The words were hard to find, lost to crumpled paper and interruption,
hidden to my pen, some still elude me now,
but these people know me, no need for veils anymore.

The sirens have stopped; I reach for familiar hands
foreheads touch, lips trace a brushed kiss before the hug,
she faces the door to watch our leaving,
I look out the window and face the flash.

[serge gurkski]

Hi times,

the title lured me in. Very catchy!
I find the Holocaust metaphor a bit too much.
Like the internal rhyme (wine - dine)

Love most the last stanza.
I reach for familiar hands.

thanks for the read.

serge

[tectak]

I could have run with the others,
a deserter ahead of the holocaust,
but what would I gain.?

Instead I sit relaxed, accept what will be,Arguably comma after "Instead". It is probably protocol more than grammar but I read a pause of self-satisfied contemplation after the word, especially if you stick a semi-colon after "....what will be;"
make the most of these hour glass fragments,Todd will correct me but I think "hourglass" is the norm.
at home with good friends and family.

We drink wine and dine on a light lunch with laughter,
contemplate the complicated nature of politics and war,
take time to linger, trying to understand our goodbyes.Very authentic. I could describe lunch. Nice touch to introduce the "homeliness" of the thinking.

Poetry collections of memories and special places,
my voice chokes as I read out these fugitive pieces,
I wanted my tracks to be seen, dried in the concrete of existence.Not sure about "dried". It would not be a cliche to say "set".

The words were hard to find, lost to crumpled paper and interruption,
hidden to my pen, some still elude me now, Either a semi-colon here or drop the conjuctive "but" on the next line.
but these people know me, no need for veils anymore.This is building a very convincing story. I need to know why you used the word "veils". Am I missing something?

The sirens have stopped; I reach for familiar hands
foreheads touch, lips trace a brushed kiss before the hug,
she faces the door to watch our leaving.This is a soudainement "she". Who she? It could be the family dog/cat. Bring in the character a little earlier, methinks. If this was bridge, you got your trumps out too late.

Very attractive piece. There is a haunting ambiguity which keeps the interest. Even when you may not be sure that you get it all, you are comfortably aware that you have got enough.....though paradoxically I could ask for an Oliver. I do not normally need to know, but what inspired this piece now? Is there some contemporaneous news ( is there any other kind?) I have missed? Should I take the jigsaw puzzle back?
Best,
tectak

[serge gurkski]

"We drink wine and dine on a light lunch with laughter,"

this to me is really a killer line.

kudos

serge

[Keith]

Hi times,

the title lured me in. Very catchy!
I find the Holocaust metaphor a bit too much.
Like the internal rhyme (wine - dine)

Love most the last stanza.
I reach for familiar hands.

thanks for the read.

serge

Hi serge
Thanks for the feedback I will have a think about a suitable replacement as I agree it a bit OTT TOMH

---

I could have run with the others,
a deserter ahead of the holocaust,
but what would I gain.?

Instead I sit relaxed, accept what will be,Arguably comma after "Instead". It is probably protocol more than grammar but I read a pause of self-satisfied contemplation after the word, especially if you stick a semi-colon after "....what will be;"
make the most of these hour glass fragments,Todd will correct me but I think "hourglass" is the norm.
at home with good friends and family.

We drink wine and dine on a light lunch with laughter,
contemplate the complicated nature of politics and war,
take time to linger, trying to understand our goodbyes.Very authentic. I could describe lunch. Nice touch to introduce the "homeliness" of the thinking.

Poetry collections of memories and special places,
my voice chokes as I read out these fugitive pieces,
I wanted my tracks to be seen, dried in the concrete of existence.Not sure about "dried". It would not be a cliche to say "set".

The words were hard to find, lost to crumpled paper and interruption,
hidden to my pen, some still elude me now, Either a semi-colon here or drop the conjuctive "but" on the next line.
but these people know me, no need for veils anymore.This is building a very convincing story. I need to know why you used the word "veils". Am I missing something?

The sirens have stopped; I reach for familiar hands
foreheads touch, lips trace a brushed kiss before the hug,
she faces the door to watch our leaving.This is a soudainement "she". Who she? It could be the family dog/cat. Bring in the character a little earlier, methinks. If this was bridge, you got your trumps out too late.

Very attractive piece. There is a haunting ambiguity which keeps the interest. Even when you may not be sure that you get it all, you are comfortably aware that you have got enough.....though paradoxically I could ask for an Oliver. I do not normally need to know, but what inspired this piece now? Is there some contemporaneous news ( is there any other kind?) I have missed? Should I take the jigsaw puzzle back?
Best,
tectak

Thanks for your considered comments bang on point as ever, I will have a tidy up and edit, by way of explanation, when you know how short life can be, what is it you really want and what really matters, it would be time to drop the bullshit (veils) and tell people how things really are. Also She has familiar hands does she really need a character ? Much appreciated, Keith

[Keith]

Thanks for all the comments, I have used most in the edit. TOMH