'The Lone Star'- all feedback welcome!

[Ariadne Storm]

'The Lone Star'

The stars stand alone,
In the wide open unknown.
Bright, and yet submerged in blackness.

And then,
A speck of life,
Bright, blinding in the never-ending night.
A world so lonely, and yet bursting with hope,
A drifter in the nonexistent wind.

In this world of broken souls,
Each one sad and decrepit, quietly weeping.
Trapped in a cocoon,
writhing to break free.
Yet there are millions, perhaps billions of stories to tell,
Each one unique, a tidal wave of emotion.

And while the stories yearn to be told,
I stay silent, hushed.
Weary of the emptiness which presses, encompasses,
swallows life and death.
Til in my sight, the burst of light fades to black.

And here in my darkness.
I sit, alone, waiting,
for a shining light to rescue me,
Save me from this eternal fog,
That clouds my sight and hinders all thought.

For if I were to stay in this endless state,
I would surely succumb to that most feared death,
one of misery and silence,
lost and alone, among the stars.


Not my first poem, but my first post on any forum (ever). I'm still in high school, so excuse any technical issues - I haven't learnt very much regarding the technical aspects of poetry writing. I'd really love to know how this poem made you feel, and what you think the subject of the poem is. Any feedback on how to improve my flow and other aspects of the writing is also very welcome. Thank you, in advance, for your time and input.

[Todd]

Hi Ariadne Storm, welcome to the site! Let me give you some comments on your poetry.

Okay, so you start with a wide view the stars, the universe, and you narrow the focus to a bright speck (our world). What is bright from a million miles away is actually crushed down with a weight of depression--a different sort of blackness. There are stories but they're not being told. The speaker is hoping for inspiration to tell their story, or enlightenment, or the ability to transcend the situation. We end where began adrift among the stars. At least, those were my takeaways.

So, not a bad idea for a poem. It's sort of cinematic. Here are some things to consider and work on.

Let's start with word choice: You have a lot of vague choices that give a sense of having weight, but actually don't convey much from a sensory experience. You have some abstractions that should probably be addressed: never-ending, bursting with hope, eternal, endless for example. It isn't that those words are off-limits. It's just that without imagery they don't do much. You also have a lot of transition words and adverbs (yet, quietly) that weigh the poem down. My advice would be to cut what you can and make more deliberate word choices. There's a precision missing here (if life and death is swallowed there probably isn't even a conscious perception of darkness, stars even personified don't really stand alone). I'm not trying to be picky. This is the major area of concern for me.

Here's a thought also, I like your cocoon image. Maybe think of the opening scene as the earth breaking free of its cocoon from a universal perspective, and then the people breaking free, and then the speaker. You might be able to use the imagery more fully. That said, just a random thought.

I'm sorry if any of that rambled. You could take this one places. I hope this comes across more helpful than negative.

Best,

Todd

'The Lone Star'

The stars stand alone,
In the wide open unknown.
Bright, and yet submerged in blackness.

And then,
A speck of life,
Bright, blinding in the never-ending night.
A world so lonely, and yet bursting with hope,
A drifter in the nonexistent wind.

In this world of broken souls,
Each one sad and decrepit, quietly weeping.
Trapped in a cocoon,
writhing to break free.
Yet there are millions, perhaps billions of stories to tell,
Each one unique, a tidal wave of emotion.

And while the stories yearn to be told,
I stay silent, hushed.
Weary of the emptiness which presses, encompasses,
swallows life and death.
Til in my sight, the burst of light fades to black.

And here in my darkness.
I sit, alone, waiting,
for a shining light to rescue me,
Save me from this eternal fog,
That clouds my sight and hinders all thought.

For if I were to stay in this endless state,
I would surely succumb to that most feared death,
one of misery and silence,
lost and alone, among the stars.


Not my first poem, but my first post on any forum (ever). I'm still in high school, so excuse any technical issues - I haven't learnt very much regarding the technical aspects of poetry writing. I'd really love to know how this poem made you feel, and what you think the subject of the poem is. Any feedback on how to improve my flow and other aspects of the writing is also very welcome. Thank you, in advance, for your time and input.

[Ariadne Storm]

Thank you for all the wonderful feedback, Todd! Your grasp of what I'm trying to convey is actually pretty excellent, and I agree with your suggestions. I'll definitely take them into consideration as I edit. Thanks, again!

[billy]

todd more or less said it all. i'd like to reinforce the part about cutting out what doesn't add anything to the poem phrases like stars stand alone...are they, do they? the japanese haiku is great in showing use how to write an image, though of course a larger poem has more than just a fleeting moment being captured. what do stars do? mainly they burn, so why not;

The stars burn

just a suggestion, you could use something else

in the wide open unknown; wide and open can mean the same thing, are they both needed?

The stars burn
in the wide unknown

Bright, and yet submerged in blackness.; again, are words like 'and yet' needed?

The stars burn
in the wide unknown
Bright, submerged in blackness.
we can look at this and still ask is 'the' needed?

Stars burn
in the wide unknown
Bright, submerged in blackness. if you wish you can now play the word moving game, does bright look better at the beginning of the 2nd line or the end of the 1st, can the same be done with every stanza. maybe, maybe not, but really give it some thought, if it does, see what you come up with, then do the same thing again and add depth. the edit is or can be a long drawn out process but it well worth learning how to do it

'The Lone Star'

The stars stand alone,
In the wide open unknown.
Bright, and yet submerged in blackness.

And then,
A speck of life,
Bright, blinding in the never-ending night.
A world so lonely, and yet bursting with hope,
A drifter in the nonexistent wind.

In this world of broken souls,
Each one sad and decrepit, quietly weeping.
Trapped in a cocoon,
writhing to break free.
Yet there are millions, perhaps billions of stories to tell,
Each one unique, a tidal wave of emotion.

And while the stories yearn to be told,
I stay silent, hushed.
Weary of the emptiness which presses, encompasses,
swallows life and death.
Til in my sight, the burst of light fades to black.

And here in my darkness.
I sit, alone, waiting,
for a shining light to rescue me,
Save me from this eternal fog,
That clouds my sight and hinders all thought.

For if I were to stay in this endless state,
I would surely succumb to that most feared death,
one of misery and silence,
lost and alone, among the stars.


Not my first poem, but my first post on any forum (ever). I'm still in high school, so excuse any technical issues - I haven't learnt very much regarding the technical aspects of poetry writing. I'd really love to know how this poem made you feel, and what you think the subject of the poem is. Any feedback on how to improve my flow and other aspects of the writing is also very welcome. Thank you, in advance, for your time and input.