The Age of Gods

[Hidrolic]

From the age of Gods
Kings, prophets and demonic lords
Men looked to the skies and prayed to the stars
They pointed specifically to the home of their creator
It was a physical place unlike the lines of the equator
Monuments were built on earth to commemorate their return in times later
In times of antiquity space wasn't just a place with lights
It ushered in the start of the human race and the birth of life
They knew nothing of the worth of Christ
Those fables didn't exist nor did the prophets who they searched to write
The tales of the bible
They created the phrases to give praise to the idol
Trying to define cradle to the grave and a spiritual revival

[rowens]

The rhymes feel forced. But at the same time, I can hear it being read in a voice-over narrative style, like a sudden and brief summary. So it almost has a dry, humorous tinge. If you look at it that way.

That doesn't mean you wrote it that way.

[Yelleryella123]

it would be nice to see an edit and improvement on your writing. Maybe take some time out between postings, all of your poems seem a bit familiar. check out different poetry on the site. There are many more subjects to write on, nothing against your writing - but i think it would help you become a better poet if there was more variety and reflection.

[Hidrolic]

I write about everything...I only choose to share my religious toned pieces. I'll post something different tomorrow.

[Yelleryella123]

try to balance posting poetry with interaction on the site. If anything read and critique more than you post, and spend a good amount of time in between posts working on your poetry so you can really develop. This forum is a great place to learn and grow through honest feedback as long as there is concrete self reflection. There are some great teachers on here you can learn from but you've got to give as much if not more than you get back.
I think the pioneers of this forum want it to be a place to progress more than a showcase.
just a suggestion.
best of luck

[Hidrolic]

I understand.

[Todd]

Hello Hidrolic, I hadn't seen this in Serious. Let me give it a go:

From the age of Gods--This feels a little clipped for an opening line. Given your line length throughout maybe consider pulling up line two to line one. The other issue is that it adds nothing that your title hasn't already given us--so it feels like filler. Maybe, play off the title more.
Kings, prophets and demonic lords--Now, I'm getting a Conan feel. I think this gets a little less legendary when you add kings to the list. I mean we still have kings today. We also have modern day self styled prophets. I do like demonic lords
Men looked to the skies and prayed to the stars--This comes across as a flat statement. It also feels to simplistic. You're going for a sort of animism. Prayed to the stars is doubtful. They may have dreamed of celestial kingdoms as you allude to later, but praying to the stars? In any event, this needs more visual, sensory impact--its too flat.
They pointed specifically to the home of their creator--specifically seems unneeded
It was a physical place unlike the lines of the equator--lines of the equator just seems to be here to make the rhyme work. It also feels out of place with the comparison
Monuments were built on earth to commemorate their return in times later--This would work better with more showing rather than just passing on a fact to us
In times of antiquity space wasn't just a place with lights
It ushered in the start of the human race and the birth of life--These lines again just feel like a transfer of information and a bit pedantic in tone
They knew nothing of the worth of Christ--how did Christ slip in here. Are we addressing the perspective of Christian missionaries? The connection for me felt a bit unclear
Those fables didn't exist nor did the prophets who they searched to write--again lecturing, pedantic, makes assumptions. Tells rather than shows. "who they searched to write" is awkward.
The tales of the bible--whether one believes the ancient texts of any religion. Even if they are fables there might be some basis for why they were written. There was probably a Moses. There most certainly was a Jesus. The debate is always did they do or say what is recorded. There's a big difference though between fables and they got the story wrong. It feels like sloppy expression.
They created the phrases to give praise to the idol--this could be interesting if developed more fully in the poem.
Trying to define cradle to the grave and a spiritual revival--feels like this could be smoothed out to make the line read better. Cradle to the grave as you have it is a bit of a cliche. You can probably come up with a better substitute.

I hope some of that was helpful. You have a topic that could be interesting. I mostly just wanted to have a more sensory interaction with it.

Best,

Todd

[Hidrolic]

Thanks for the critique Todd...You made some great points and i'll put them to use.

[heslopian]

Each line, when removed from its context, is reasonably well-written and sometimes powerful. The image of men pointing towards the stars was especially good. The rhyme, however, was corny and reduces what feels like a thoughtful piece to something sloppier. I'd recommend either re-structuring it as free verse or establishing a meter. Thank you for the read.

[tectak]

From the age of Gods What age was this? There are as many god-botherers (and imagined gods) today as there have ever been. Just look at some other poetry sites
Kings, prophets and demonic lords Ditto Kings. You have not made a case. You have just given an ill-informed opinion
Men looked to the skies and prayed to the stars What stars....I can only think if one The sun. Name another
They pointed specifically to the home of their creator You are now compounding your truths by expanding a mistruth. Are you referring to a single religion here?
It was a physical place unlike the lines of the equator Lines of the equator? Again, shows a lack of understanding and is an unnecessarily reverse metaphor. There are many things unlike the "lines of the equator"....chocolate chip ice cream to name but one.[
Monuments were built on earth to commemorate their return in times laterThis is not good in terms of intent or construct. Whose return are you talking about? It is a hopelessly unclear and irritating line. The blank statement makes any concept (to credit it a little too highly) preachy and pedantic. I know what church/cathedral/mosque etc is for. Who are you writing this piece for? You are telling me nothing new.
In times of antiquity space wasn't just a place with lights
It ushered in the start of the human race and the birth of lifeYou are millions of years out here. I cannot continue because you are in danger of writing nonsense and I don't want to be around
They knew nothing of the worth of Christ
Those fables didn't exist nor did the prophets who they searched to write
The tales of the bible
They created the phrases to give praise to the idol
Trying to define cradle to the grave and a spiritual revival

Hello! hidrolic.
I am at a bit of a loss with this one. My overall, and initial, response is one of distrust. You have not convinced me that you are authorative enough to write in the area you have chosen. This colours any technical criticism because there is an overwhelming urge to correct the content.
This is not an easy thing to say but I think you should either research your work a good deal more or write on a different subject. The comments made here are not intended to be dismissive of your effort but indicative of the major problem which is apparent. On top of this I would urge you to punctuate. Without punctuation the inference is that you cannot punctuate.
[/b]Best,
tectak

[Mr. Shankly]

I generally agree with what's already been said: the poem seems a bit emotionally dry.

Perhaps you could spark it up by keying in on some type of profound religious experience?

[tectak]

Hello Hidrolic, I hadn't seen this in Serious. Let me give it a go:

From the age of Gods--This feels a little clipped for an opening line. Given your line length throughout maybe consider pulling up line two to line one. The other issue is that it adds nothing that your title hasn't already given us--so it feels like filler. Maybe, play off the title more.
Kings, prophets and demonic lords--Now, I'm getting a Conan feel. I think this gets a little less legendary when you add kings to the list. I mean we still have kings today. We also have modern day self styled prophets. I do like demonic lords
Men looked to the skies and prayed to the stars--This comes across as a flat statement. It also feels to simplistic. You're going for a sort of animism. Prayed to the stars is doubtful. They may have dreamed of celestial kingdoms as you allude to later, but praying to the stars? In any event, this needs more visual, sensory impact--its too flat.
They pointed specifically to the home of their creator--specifically seems unneeded
It was a physical place unlike the lines of the equator--lines of the equator just seems to be here to make the rhyme work. It also feels out of place with the comparison
Monuments were built on earth to commemorate their return in times later--This would work better with more showing rather than just passing on a fact to us
In times of antiquity space wasn't just a place with lights
It ushered in the start of the human race and the birth of life--These lines again just feel like a transfer of information and a bit pedantic in tone
They knew nothing of the worth of Christ--how did Christ slip in here. Are we addressing the perspective of Christian missionaries? The connection for me felt a bit unclear
Those fables didn't exist nor did the prophets who they searched to write--again lecturing, pedantic, makes assumptions. Tells rather than shows. "who they searched to write" is awkward.
The tales of the bible--whether one believes the ancient texts of any religion. Even if they are fables there might be some basis for why they were written. There was probably a Moses. There most certainly was a Jesus. The debate is always did they do or say what is recorded. There's a big difference though between fables and they got the story wrong. It feels like sloppy expression.
They created the phrases to give praise to the idol--this could be interesting if developed more fully in the poem.
Trying to define cradle to the grave and a spiritual revival--feels like this could be smoothed out to make the line read better. Cradle to the grave as you have it is a bit of a cliche. You can probably come up with a better substitute.

I hope some of that was helpful. You have a topic that could be interesting. I mostly just wanted to have a more sensory interaction with it.

Best,

Todd

Hi todd,
A little off message, perhaps. Regarding the truths attributed to the man Jesus; I have just read a disturbing revelation. Apparrently Homer's Odyssey was not written by Homer, but by another chap of the same name.

[Hidrolic]

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions....

[Todd]

Hi todd,
A little off message, perhaps. Regarding the truths attributed to the man Jesus; I have just read a disturbing revelation. Apparrently Homer's Odyssey was not written by Homer, but by another chap of the same name.

Curiouser and Curiouser! It would seem identity is like those Russian nesting dolls. If we dig deeper I suspect this other Homer transcribed the work for the real "Homer" (also named Homer).

[tectak]

Hi todd,
A little off message, perhaps. Regarding the truths attributed to the man Jesus; I have just read a disturbing revelation. Apparrently Homer's Odyssey was not written by Homer, but by another chap of the same name.

Curiouser and Curiouser! It would seem identity is like those Russian nesting dolls. If we dig deeper I suspect this other Homer transcribed the work for the real "Homer" (also named Homer).

No. That was the other Homer.
Enough already. My Homer wins.