A Magical Moment

[Pete Ak]

He was born into silence undisturbed by the melody of babble and jabber.
There were smiling lips and, in the noiseless distance, moist eyes matched the crescent.
Yet the images, engendered from this gentle but sinister quiescence,
burdened his innocent perceptions with knowing ignorance.

White coats fluttered and busied noiselessly.
Machines, their dials awhirr with sharp jumping traces,
vibrated their rhythms to multitudes of faces.
Quietude gathered around him ever more suffocatingly.

Heartbeats, unheard yet close enough to touch, murmur tales.
Oozing condolence, they hum mellifluously through him.
One day, the rhythm of those fables encourages a different feeling
and the crescent becomes ephemeral. Uncertainty infects; then prevails.

Discomfiture, as the story-telling pulse tattoos stories new.
It pumps with expectation which, in his silent world, he cannot interpret.
Intuitively, he hopes only that safety will still reverberate
in his essence and meld seamlessly with his soundless view.

After the procedure he emerges from sleep into a new world
so he snuggles as close to the heartbeat as are lips when sealed in silent prayer.
He is aroused – ears – mind – body and spirit – respond to movement in the air
and a magical moment’ occurs when he hears his very first words.

[tectak]

He was born into silence undisturbed by the melody of babble and jabber.jabber is THE most esoteric word I have seen in a long time. Google will be inundated. Is it jargon?
There were smiling lips and, in the noiseless distance, moist eyes Comma after "and" redundantmatched the crescent.
Yet the images, engendered from this gentle but sinister quiescence,...and debatably not required after "images"
burdened his innocent perceptions with knowing ignorance.Hmmm. There are thngs we know and things we don't know we ...er...know we don't ...er...know. Is that clear? Thought not

White coats fluttered and busied noiselessly.Silence, noiseless, noiselessly, quietude (lastline). To much silence...or at least, description of same. If someone farts we will all die of shock.
Machines, their dials awhirr with sharp jumping traces,
vibrated their rhythms to multitudes of faces.
Quietude gathered around him ever more suffocatingly.He is deaf...tell me he is deaf.

Heartbeats, unheard yet close enough to touch, murmur tales.
Oozing condolence, they hum mellifluously through him.
One day, the rhythm of those fables encourages a different feelingWhat fables?
and the crescent becomes ephemeral. Uncertainty infects; then prevails.I kind of like this stanza but there are many disconnects. Heartbeats hum mellifluously? To become ephemeral is a strange one. To become short-lived is like arriving as you depart.

Discomfiture, as the story-telling pulse tattoos stories new.Lost me here. Needs a re-write to make sense. Story-stories in the same line is a little disconcerting....but even allowing this repeat I cannot get meaning out of the line. Proust would turn in his grave.
It pumps with expectation which, in his silent world, he cannot interpret.
Intuitively, he hopes only that safety will still reverberate
in his essence, and meld seamlessly with his soundless view.ENOUGH ALREADY with the soundless silence silently sounding....I can't take it any more

After the procedure he emerges from sleep into a new world
so he snuggles as close to the heartbeat as are lips when sealed in silent prayer.I got it...I got it...ages ago.
He is aroused – ears – mind – body and spirit – respond to movement in the air
and his ‘Madeleine Moment’ occurs when he hears his very first words.Yes. it is stretching it a bit. I have not seen the film but I love the biscuits....and the story. You have picked a hard subject, but the main problem is overkill. Don't forget...it was a Madeleine MOMENT. I think you got a little concept conceit....you just liked the thing so much that you believed it was ready before it was baked through. Trim it back and let the reader fill it out.....and I don't often say that, but you have concept credibility and that counts for a whole lot.
Best,
tectak

(* I must admit to stretching the definition of ‘Madeleine Moment’ beyond that originally described by Proust!)
This piece is an attempt to use poetry to capture one of the most delightful moments I’ve ever seen on film.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTzTt1VnHRM

[billy]

hi pete

after seeing the vid, i'm not sure i'd have associated it with the poem unless i had seen it. i'm still sure the title doesn't work as well as it should. but i like the poem, i like how you have a reason to try and create it. i think you could have used less references to silence but then again i see no real problem with them because you're obviously setting a tone. i do wonder if you could cut it down a fair bit. the kids world is very small and tight, no noise etc.

born into silence undisturbed by babble and jabber.
smiling lips in the noiseless distance,
moist eyes matched the crescent.
images engendered from this gently sinister quiescence,
burdened his innocent perceptions

He was born into silence undisturbed by the melody of babble and jabber.
There were smiling lips and, in the noiseless distance, moist eyes matched the crescent. moon? i see no problem with saying crescent mouth
Yet the images, engendered from this gentle but sinister quiescence,
burdened his innocent perceptions with knowing ignorance. feels heavy laden

White coats fluttered and busied noiselessly.
Machines, their dials awhirr with sharp jumping traces, machines: their dials a whirr
vibrated their rhythms to multitudes of faces. [a multitude]define what kind of faces
Quietude gathered around him ever more suffocatingly. is quietude really needed?

Heartbeats, unheard yet close enough to touch, murmur tales.Heartbeats unheard, close enough...
Oozing condolence, they hum mellifluously through him. is [Oozing condolence, they] needed?
One day, the rhythm of those fables encourages a different feeling this and the next line feel like a big leap from what was being spoke of
and the crescent becomes ephemeral. Uncertainty infects; then prevails.

Discomfiture, as the story-telling pulse tattoos stories new. what's wrong with discomfort? no comma needed
It pumps with expectation which, in his silent world, he cannot interpret.
Intuitively, he hopes only that safety will still reverberate
in his essence and meld seamlessly with his soundless view.

After the procedure he emerges from sleep into a new world
so he snuggles as close to the heartbeat as are lips when sealed in silent prayer.
He is aroused – ears – mind – body and spirit – respond to movement in the air
and his ‘Madeleine Moment’ occurs when he hears his very first words. i like this last line but i'm not sure it works as far as madeleine moment goes. normally a moment like that happens with serenity, (while picking one's nose or dunking a digestive biscuit in a cup of tea (tea break)) this child has just been startled out of his skin

(* I must admit to stretching the definition of ‘Madeleine Moment’ beyond that originally described by Proust!)
This piece is an attempt to use poetry to capture one of the most delightful moments I’ve ever seen on film.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTzTt1VnHRM

well worth editing i'd forgo the vid. which does help the poem but works contrary to the title. i'd also try and use a title that relates more to the poem.

great effort thanks for the read.

[oligoclonal]

He was born into silence undisturbed by the melody of babble and jabber.
There were smiling lips and, in the noiseless distance, moist eyes matched the crescent.
Yet the images, engendered from this gentle but sinister quiescence,
burdened his innocent perceptions with knowing ignorance.

White coats fluttered and busied noiselessly. I love the turn of phrase "noiseless distance" but if you want to reiterate this feeling try another word.
Machines, their dials awhirr with sharp jumping traces,
vibrated their rhythms to multitudes of faces.
Quietude gathered around him ever more suffocatingly.

Heartbeats, unheard yet close enough to touch, murmur tales.
Oozing condolence, they hum mellifluously through him.
One day, the rhythm of those fables encourages a different feeling
and the crescent becomes ephemeral. Uncertainty infects; then prevails.

Discomfiture, as the story-telling pulse tattoos stories new.
It pumps with expectation which, in his silent world, he cannot interpret.
Intuitively, he hopes only that safety will still reverberate
in his essence and meld seamlessly with his soundless view.

After the procedure he emerges from sleep into a new world
so he snuggles as close to the heartbeat as are lips when sealed in silent prayer.
He is aroused – ears – mind – body and spirit – respond to movement in the air
and his ‘Madeleine Moment’ occurs when he hears his very first words.

(* I must admit to stretching the definition of ‘Madeleine Moment’ beyond that originally described by Proust!)
This piece is an attempt to use poetry to capture one of the most delightful moments I’ve ever seen on film.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTzTt1VnHRM

There are a few more adverbs in here than the story needs, I think. I see a strong series of images in here, but they get knocked around a little needlessly by the number of "Thesaurus Words." I would like to see you prove this story (and its noiselessness) with less. Beautiful ideas.