Love Poem

[Stanton]

Hey guys,
this is my first English poem Thanks for some feedback!!!

Story of Life

Heaven´s utmost creation,
The most sensitive sensation,
The hardest to wield,
One´s feelings concealed.

Off to find heaven´s chest,
No longer able to be self-possessed,
Human kind´s inherent quest,
No time to rest.

Fleeting, boundless, never-ending,
Thus, two people depending.

[rowens]

Heaven´s utmost creation,
The most sensitive sensation,

"utmost" doesn't feel right here. It makes sense, but doesn't seem right. Maybe you want to make it right? Your interpretation of the word and "creation"....The rhymes are very thin.

The hardest to wield,
Ones feelings concealed.

'One's feelings'


Off to find heavens chest,

'heaven's chest'

No longer able to be self-possessed,
Human kinds inherent quest,

Human kind's

No time to rest.

Fleeting, boundless, never-ending,
Thus, two people depending.


Though it's easy to see what you're getting at in this poem, there seems to be a lot missing.

[Stanton]

Thank you for your critique. Do you have any suggestions which synonym would fit better than "utmost"?
I'm sorry, but English is not my first language...what exactly do you mean with "Your interpretation of the word and "creation"....The rhymes are very thin." Are you only talking about the rhymes from my first stanza or about all of them?
You are saying there is a lot missing...what exactly do you think is missing?
I really appreciate your help!

[shemthepenman]

maybe 'best' would be better than 'utmost'

[rowens]

Is this just an exercise in English, or is there something behind the poem?

---

The rhymes are so simple. And it doesn't really say much. But you're still learning English, so I guess you're trying to be as matter of fact as possible.

'Utmost' is an interesting word here. But if you simply mean 'greatest'; or if you do mean 'most important' or 'special', then one of those words is better.

The poem is too flimsy. The content is hardly even there.

It simply needs a lot of work.




Do you see how it seems to go by so fast? The lines and sentences seem too rushed. They're just stuck one under the other, so they don't flow well, with their meaning or their rhythm.

[billy]

hi stanton,
when you use a apostrophe, it doesn't need any gaps (heaven's) (one's)
the rhymes feel forced, at present it feels more like the story of love. there are lots of phrases being thrown about that don't really say much to the reader. try not to be so big with the concept. be plain speaking and try to give each statement some logic for being used.

Hey guys,
this is my first English poem Thanks for some feedback!!!

Story of Life

Heaven´s utmost creation, which is? show or tell us what you mean?
The most sensitive sensation, same here.
The hardest to wield,
One´s feelings concealed.

Off to find heaven´s chest,
No longer able to be self-possessed,
Human kind´s inherent quest,
No time to rest.

Fleeting, boundless, never-ending,
Thus, two people depending.

[Pigler]

Hey guys,
this is my first English poem Thanks for some feedback!!!

Story of Life

Heaven´s utmost creation, utmost doesn't fit too well
The most sensitive sensation,
The hardest to wield, the hardest it is to wield my own feelings concealed would be better (in my opinion)
One´s feelings concealed.

Off to find heaven´s chest,
No longer able to be self-possessed,
Human kind´s inherent quest,
No time to rest.

maybe it's just me but I can't make sense of this stanza too well

Fleeting, boundless, never-ending,
Thus, two people depending.

All in all, it's a nice poem, especially for a first

[Hidrolic]

I really like your poem Stanton, great job.

[billy]

hi hidrolic.

while we all love feedback, a one liner saying we like it, isn't enough for the novice, mild, and serious critique forums.
it's okay in the other forums we have but in the critique forums we expect a lot more.

read some of the "how to give feedback posts, and also the rules. /admin

this is the 2nd time we've asked