Voices Within My Head

[hobbit86]

I awake from these infected dreams,
Laughing, Screaming, crying.
Hiding from the vile truth
My sanity slowly disappears.
The voices are screwing with my mind
The words trapped inside my head.

I try to remain in the cloud of hope
But the days are wasted,
It is fantasy not reality.
So I try to smoke away the problems
Alone in isolation I remain,
With this madness, overwhelming, smothering.

I look into the blurred mirror
There is no recognition, the familiarity has vanished,
All I see are cracked faces looking back at me.
Reaching for the delicate rose the thorns attack,
Bleeding and scarred I retreat
Returning to the lonely cave the words, the voices echoe
"this is my life!"

©Invisible Shadows 2007


I wrote this a few months after an event when I realised I was changed. I struggled to leave my uni flat, and so I tried various drugs to 'escape', which in hindsight made the anxieties much worst. I withdrew from friends, isolated myself, and tried to lock 'it' out...and so staying in my head was more of a comfort; but whatever I did, wherever I went, there was no escaping it...I could not escape or hide from myself!

[brandontoh]

I awake from these infected dreams,
Laughing, Screaming, crying. -- These 2 lines set the poem up nicely. However, the tone is a little impersonal and can be a bit more subtle in my opinion. For example, 'Jerked from these infected dreams/By hysterics, by tears, by terror.' to me it works better because of the word choices. Not a great example, but I hope you can see what I'm getting at.
Hiding from the vile truth
My sanity slowly disappears.
The voices are screwing with my mind
The words trapped inside my head. -- These 4 lines are attempting to get some imageries going, but fall flat because they are, in my opinion, too 'telling'. Try using words like 'burst' and 'shriveled' for instance. More powerful and emotional words that can better illustrate an image. As it stands, it works, but I just feel that it can be made even better. The potential is there.

I try to remain in the cloud of hope
But the days are wasted,
It is fantasy not reality.
So I try to smoke away the problems
Alone in isolation I remain,
With this madness, overwhelming, smothering. -- Once again, too 'telling'. Instead of just telling the readers what's going on, try to show them. What this means is instead of explicitly saying what's going on, maybe you can talk about how the person feels, and things going on during the event that pops out to you etc.

I look into the blurred mirror
There is no recognition, the familiarity has vanished, -- This line can easily be reworded and shortened into something like 'A stranger stares back', which links nicely back to my point about showing instead of telling.
All I see are cracked faces looking back at me. -- Personally, if I were to continue off my own sub-par suggestion, I'd reword this line into something like 'In a cracked porcelain shell'. As it stands I find it a little weak. It's about word choices here.
Reaching for the delicate rose the thorns attack,
Bleeding and scarred I retreat
Returning to the lonely cave the words, the voices echoe -- Echo.
"this is my life!"

©Invisible Shadows 2007

Overall there's potential there. =) The main problem is that the word choices could be stronger and the imageries can be made more powerful as well. A good effort nonetheless. Remember, that all is my personal opinion so take what you will and toss what you don't need. Thanks for the read and hope I'm of help! =)

I wrote this a few months after an event when I realised I was changed. I struggled to leave my uni flat, and so I tried various drugs to 'escape', which in hindsight made the anxieties much worst. I withdrew from friends, isolated myself, and tried to lock 'it' out...and so staying in my head was more of a comfort; but whatever I did, wherever I went, there was no escaping it...I could not escape or hide from myself!

By the way I really like that you explain the poem AFTER the poem itself. It's a good practice so keep it up! =D

[billy]

hi hobbit, no need for footnotes unless it's really needed, let the reader see the poetry by themselves, they'll enjoy it more. i'd suggest posting in mild or novice for now as serious crit is often in depth, this can at times be a little disheartening for some. the poem has a lot of cliche, (old or common phrases or word groups.) if possible try and replace them with original ones. the poem needs than to be told, try and show us,

The words trapped inside my head
could be.
words suffocate in the mineshaft of my head (just a suggestion)

thanks for the read.

I awake from these infected dreams,
Laughing, Screaming, crying. if you swapped this with the 1st line, would you have a stronger opening?
Hiding from the vile truth
My sanity slowly disappears.
The voices are screwing with my mind this and the next lines are cliche
The words trapped inside my head. is 'the' needed?

I try to remain in the cloud of hope, this line works for an ex weed smoker like me.
But the days are wasted, so does this on more than one level.
It is fantasy not reality.
So I try to smoke away the problems
Alone in isolation I remain, is 'i remain' needed?
With this madness, overwhelming, smothering.

I look into the blurred mirror would 'in' work better than 'i look into'?
There is no recognition, the familiarity has vanished, is 'the' needed?
All I see are cracked faces looking back at me. cracked faces look back
Reaching for the delicate rose the thorns attack, this seems to have just been added and it could leave the reader thinking "why is this here,' show some reason for the things you add, a transition or connection.
Bleeding and scarred I retreat
Returning to the lonely cave the words, the voices echoe echo
"this is my life!"

©Invisible Shadows 2007


I wrote this a few months after an event when I realised I was changed. I struggled to leave my uni flat, and so I tried various drugs to 'escape', which in hindsight made the anxieties much worst. I withdrew from friends, isolated myself, and tried to lock 'it' out...and so staying in my head was more of a comfort; but whatever I did, wherever I went, there was no escaping it...I could not escape or hide from myself!

[hobbit86]

I see what you mean; instead of using words that allows the reader to use their imagination, I've used words which are more 'plain'.

Thanks for the critique..this is probably my favourite poem of mine, so I put it into the 'serious' critique so I could see ways to make it better. Thanks for all crits, I'll have a go sometime to improve it bearing in mind peoples comments. Changing the words used...I perhaps have too limited vocabulary to be writing poetry, but will try and improve on the plain and simple descriptions.

Appreciate the comments
Thank you

[brandontoh]

A limited vocabulary is a disadvantage, but simple words are capable of eliciting great emotions. Sometimes toning down is the way to make a poem better. The difference is knowing when to use what words and to convey a lot with as little as possible.

[billy]

I see what you mean; instead of using words that allows the reader to use their imagination, I've used words which are more 'plain'.

Thanks for the critique..this is probably my favourite poem of mine, so I put it into the 'serious' critique so I could see ways to make it better. Thanks for all crits, I'll have a go sometime to improve it bearing in mind peoples comments. Changing the words used...I perhaps have too limited vocabulary to be writing poetry, but will try and improve on the plain and simple descriptions.

Appreciate the comments
Thank you

some simply worded poetry can also be some of the best.

[Smiffy]

Hi Hobbit, never put yourself down for having a limited vocabulary, I'm the same but for me it is the way you use what you have that counts, I hate nothing more than continually reaching for the dictionary to understand a poem. I'm quite sure you have enough ordinary words floating round your head to make a fist of anything you care to write. I always remember a dear friend and damn fine poet telling me less is almost always more, Billy had some good suggestions in that area.

I see what you mean; instead of using words that allows the reader to use their imagination, I've used words which are more 'plain'.

Thanks for the critique..this is probably my favourite poem of mine, so I put it into the 'serious' critique so I could see ways to make it better. Thanks for all crits, I'll have a go sometime to improve it bearing in mind peoples comments. Changing the words used...I perhaps have too limited vocabulary to be writing poetry, but will try and improve on the plain and simple descriptions.

Appreciate the comments
Thank you