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1ST EDIT:
The March
What used to be
Green canopies on
Glorious warzones
Is now a mere carpet.
Peace, some suggests,
But I say death.
They marched to make merry,
For their favourite child.
Wistful imagining
Removed bloodshed,
Made heroes out of them.
They then marched back;
Mission accomplished,
For the last time.
Then veteran yellow is awarded,
And warmth kept with dust blankets.
Toy soldiers yearn for the frontline,
Wishing upon the light sliver
To tread ever so softly
On the raging velvet once again.
ORIGINAL:
The March
What used to be
Green canopy and
Awe-inspiring velvet
Is now a mere shell scrape.
No room to stretch,
To even stand.
They marched to make merry,
For their favourite child.
Wistful imagining
Removed bloodshed,
Made heroes out of them.
They then marched back,
Cramped in the bunk.
Until veteran yellow is awarded,
And warmth kept with dust blankets.
Toy soldiers yearn for the frontline,
Wishing upon the light sliver
To tread ever so softly
On the green canopy once again.
----------------------------------------
Thanks for reading my poem! =) All feedback is greatly appreciated! =D
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Threads: 17
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Hi brandontoh. I enjoyed figuring this one out. Almost got it. Green canopy and awe inspiring velvet are the soldier’s tents? I initially thought the green canopies were hills, but if so I’m not sure how velvet fits in. And by bunk do you mean bunker or bed bunk? If bunker, I don’t see a need to shorten it.
I really liked some of your word choices, specifically “Wistful” and “light sliver” (also ever so softly and velvet). Toy soldiers could be changed in my taste (nothing in the poem so far has indicated that there’s anything toy about them, common saying aside). Also maybe the first two lined stanza might be changed to something else, though I do like the low key-ness of it as well as the rest. Just some thoughts, maybe more later.
Gary
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Thanks Gary! =) Yeah the bunk refers to a bed bunk. I'll refrain from saying what the canopies and velvet are intended to be for now, in case it affects another feedback. Once again, thanks for the feedback! =)
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i struggled brandon. i thought of the holocaust but that's not it, if it is, it needs a bit more information. at present it's a bit too ambiguous. (for me)
(02-14-2013, 07:56 PM)brandontoh Wrote: The March
What used to be
Green canopy and
Awe-inspiring velvet
Is now a mere shell scrape.
No room to stretch,
To even stand.
They marched to make merry,
For their favourite child.
Wistful imagining
Removed bloodshed,
Made heroes out of them.
They then marched back,
Cramped in the bunk.
Until veteran yellow is awarded,
And warmth kept with dust blankets.
Toy soldiers yearn for the frontline,
Wishing upon the light sliver
To tread ever so softly
On the green canopy once again.
----------------------------------------
Thanks for reading my poem! =) All feedback is greatly appreciated! =D
Posts: 212
Threads: 31
Joined: Jan 2013
Thanks Billy!!  I knew there's something wrong with it. >< So it's ambiguity.
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The 1st edit is up! =)
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the edit is great. and 'war zone' is one of my favorite phrases in the english language so it is nice for me to read it in a poem.
did you mean 'suggest'? unless you are using 'some' as a singular, in which case, pretty cool [although, to make it clear and not look like a mistake maybe capitalize the 's' - just a 'suggestion']
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(02-14-2013, 07:56 PM)brandontoh Wrote: 1ST EDIT:A line by line...though it does have its own legs to stand on
The March
What used to be
Green canopies on
Glorious warzones
Is now a mere carpet. First of all, I am not sure you have matched content to form. This first stanza is a single statement...a hard unarguable fact. You weaken the impact, which could be considerable, by unnecessary enjambment and capitalising each "line". This is only a suggestion but It would seem better to emphasise the strength of the stanza by clarity than to weaken it by obscure form. So:
What used to be green canopies,
on glorious warzones,
is now a mere carpet.
There is a grand finality in closed comments which adds to the "weight". It is up to you,of course, but an opening stanza as an opening statement is powerful.
Peace, some suggests,suggest
But I say death.Drop the confusing capital....then excellent observation.Envious
They marched to make merry,
For their favourite child.
Wistful imagining
Removed bloodshed,
Made heroes out of them. I really like this because it is heartfelt but am very unsure why you cut the tail off the tiger and broke up this stanza with a line gap to the next. The two stanzas are crying out for closeness. Why have you split the pair so irritatingly?
They then marched back;
Mission accomplished,
For the last time.
Then veteran yellow is awarded,...or rewarded?
And warmth kept with dust blankets.
Toy soldiers yearn for the frontline,
Wishing upon the light sliver sliver?[/b]
To tread ever so softly
On the raging velvet once again.The gap between the stanzas is bizarre. You would be better to conform to content rather than the gimmicky use of thoughtless/pretentious shape shifting. Overall, I like the content and the expressive effort. If you can justify the strange line outs I would happily concede.....but my confidence is high that you cannot
Best
tectak
ORIGINAL:
The March
What used to be
Green canopy and
Awe-inspiring velvet
Is now a mere shell scrape.
No room to stretch,
To even stand.
They marched to make merry,
For their favourite child.
Wistful imagining
Removed bloodshed,
Made heroes out of them.
They then marched back,
Cramped in the bunk.
Until veteran yellow is awarded,
And warmth kept with dust blankets.
Toy soldiers yearn for the frontline,
Wishing upon the light sliver
To tread ever so softly
On the green canopy once again.
----------------------------------------
Thanks for reading my poem! =) All feedback is greatly appreciated! =D
Posts: 212
Threads: 31
Joined: Jan 2013
Much appreciated, tectak! =) The capitalising of each line to be honest is because it feels weird not to do that. I've tried it out, but I'm not sure how others find it. Thank you once again tectak! =D
The March
What used to be green canopies
on glorious warzones
is now a mere carpet.
Peace, some suggest,
but I say death.
They marched to make merry,
for their favourite child.
Wistful imagining
removed bloodshed,
made heroes out of them.
They then marched back;
mission accomplished,
for the last time.
Then veteran yellow is awarded,
and warmth kept with dust blankets.
Toy soldiers yearn for the frontline,
wishing upon the light sliver
to tread ever so softly
on the raging velvet once again.
Back!
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(02-18-2013, 12:13 PM)brandontoh Wrote: Much appreciated, tectak! =) The capitalising of each line to be honest is because it feels weird not to do that. I've tried it out, but I'm not sure how others find it. Thank you once again tectak! =D
The March
What used to be green canopies
on glorious warzones
is now a mere carpet.
Peace, some suggest,
but I say death.
They marched to make merry,
for their favourite child.
Wistful imagining
removed bloodshed,
made heroes out of them.
They then marched back;
mission accomplished,
for the last time.
Then veteran yellow is awarded,
and warmth kept with dust blankets.
Toy soldiers yearn for the frontline,
wishing upon the light sliver
to tread ever so softly
on the raging velvet once again. YES to this edit.....but I would say that, wouldn't I?
This is much more much more "packed" ( as Pirsig would say )than before and runs very smoothly. I am still a little puzzled by the light "sliver", which I take as a "glint" as of a star, which one could wish upon......I am thinking on too far. Help.
Best,
tectak
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