Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
You remind me of a swan
The feet part
Or an egg
The pointy part
A winter peach
A crawley beast
Bald little ape
Of my Seussian dreams
White sunshine
Basting applecore me
With poppy seeds
Tickling incessantly
Once upon a time ago
Too long that
When I skate
With my flawless eights
And not one mistake
My poor heart breaks
Oh funny thing
Do say
Do you dot your i’s and
tie your shoes in my memory?
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(04-25-2010, 12:10 AM)addy Wrote: You remind me of a swan
The feet part
Or an egg
The pointy part
A winter peach
A crawley beast
Bald little ape
Of my Seussian dreams
White sunshine
Basting applecore me
With poppy seeds
Tickling incessantly
Once upon a time ago
Too long that
When I skate
With my flawless eights
And not one mistake
My poor heart breaks
Oh funny thing
Do say
Do you dot your i’s and
tie your shoes in my memory?
wickedly weird and wonderful.
for a moment seussian threw me lol.
love the bald little ape.
i also love all the lines that lead up to it.
i was a little lost with;
basting applecore me
With poppy seeds
Tickling incessantly
and decided to take it in the context of seuss which sort of made it work
for me the rest of the poem (which i also loved) was just as good which means i'm a goose, the hole part which the duck egg comes out of.
(yes i know geese don't lay duck eggs! )
i know it was seussian but to me it felt a bit carrollian
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
You're right, it does kind of lose it around the last few lines of the verse. I rewrote it many times, and now I see that it has become quite forced. Have to rewrite or ditch that part, I guess.
Your right that the poem itself sounds more Carrollian LOL, it's just the muse in my mind that was Seussian: goofy-looking (and goofy-acting) but harmless and full of heart. The silliness of Carroll is more macabre imo. But it's a very valid observation
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(04-26-2010, 12:18 PM)addy Wrote: You're right, it does kind of lose it around the last few lines of the verse. I rewrote it many times, and now I see that it has become quite forced. Have to rewrite or ditch that part, I guess.
Your right that the poem itself sounds more Carrollian LOL, it's just the muse in my mind that was Seussian: goofy-looking (and goofy-acting) but harmless and full of heart. The silliness of Carroll is more macabre imo. But it's a very valid observation
yeah, carrol is a lot more evil as well lol.
personally i think a small edit would suffice.
just come back to it after a while and it'll show you what it wants doing
