The Maw of Oblivion

[noheart]

Hey!

Just wanted to say, I'm new here and this is the first poem I've ever written. Thought I would get some feedback from novice and expert writers alike, enjoy!


their cries pierce my heart
sorrow fills my soul
for I have abandoned them

my only hope is that they will remember
that there is something I left behind
something more
than disappointment
than regret

as I walk this world
the feeling remains
that I must go on
no matter what

darkness surrounds me

I've begun to forget
the days I spent
happy
full of joy
it doesn't mean anything
not anymore

they speak to me
at night
there is always night

my skin is dark
my eyes are red
we are connected now
more than ever

that feeling

their cries pierce my heart
no more
sorrow fills my soul
no more
for I have abandoned them
no more
enter
The Maw of Oblivion

transcend Eternity

[rowens]

I'll look at this again. For now, it seems all right. The ending seems to be the beginning. I might have something better to say about it later.

[noheart]

thanks for the input, I do hope you'll look at it again, would love to get some criticism

[Todd]

Hi noheart, welcome to the site!

A few comments for you:

Where this poem gets interesting


they speak to me
at night
there is always night

This is good ambiguity. Who are the they? What are they saying? It's interesting. There's also bad ambiguity in the poem. This comes from abstractions like sorrow, disappointment, and regret. They don't really convey a sensory image. When linked with an image they get resonance. Famous example from Wordsworth: I wandered lonely as a cloud. What you have here is a lot of lonely and no cloud. Don't overdo it but we've all read a lot of poems that pierce the heart, have sorrow. To make them interesting they need concrete images.

That's my main suggestion. On a positive note, you have a good sense of rhythm. This flows well.

I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd

[rowens]

This oblivion is a lot less harsh than the oblivion I dread, and sometimes hope for. Maybe the speaker is there, or maybe not quite yet.

There isn't anything. And so I wouldn't expect you to describe anything. So it makes the poem hard to say anything bad about.

It sets up a contradiction. And that's fine. I wonder what your other poems are like.

[noheart]

Todd - thanks a lot for the input, I'll keep the ambiguity thing in mind and try to give more concrete images in the future

rowens - thanks for the reply, the whereabouts of the speaker should be vague, I feel like it's up to the reader to determine, then again maybe I'm wrong on a side note I'm working on another poem right now and hope to post it as soon as it's finished

[rowens]

No real problem with the poem. It works.

[billy]

hi noheart.

the rhythm of the poem feels solid, todd makes some good suggestions.
as the reader, i want more depth, while some ambiguity is okay i want to know the whys and wherefores of it. what is the maw of oblivion etc? lots of the poem could be cut away, most of these two stanza are filler.

my only hope is that they will remember
that there is something I left behind
something more
than disappointment
than regret

as I walk this world
the feeling remains
that I must go on
no matter what