To Dakhla-Par Avion

[billy]

i like as usual, your images and narrative style. the last verse feels a bit preachy but for me it does scrape through simply because it's pov poem about a beautiful visual experience. sorry i got to this one late

thanks for the read.

First Leg Tunis to Es Senia

As we climbed, the hissing sand exfoliated wings once white;
Saharan dust plumed rouge astern and mingled with our oil-smoked wake;
But mixture set, the carb shed ice, and soon we flew in gin-clear light.
Ahead, up loomed the Atlas peaks; below, the fog on Tunis Lake. would up ahead loomed ....work better? perhaps not, on 4th and 5th read your way has an inherent image of them rising up in it

As warned by Saint-Exupéry, wind buffeted our jaunty kite;
each sensed, as he, the lift from land, warming ‘neath sun’s bloodshot eye.
We yawed left in the on-shore blast, that turned us from our route-planned height,
but came the green of Kasserine, in denser air we shot to sky.

A silence fell. No words could tell how glorious the ice-crazed crests;
or loose a sigh of indrawn breath on sight of sparkling azure sea.
What lay beneath us rolled like gold, arcs of gilded dunes; whilst west
dark wadis ran from hasting day, and haboobs sucked the mountain's lee.

This is the joy the gods would keep, as they look down on precious land;
This is the beauty height bestows upon Saharan barren plains.
This is the wonder and dismay, that blood has spilled to name just sand;
but we who heard the stinging air, we are like gods. We fly again.

tectak
2013
A small craft flight ( Cherokee 6) from Tunis to Dakhla. First leg, Es Senia airstrip. 691 miles, 5hrs 12mins, cruising at 5500ft.
1968

[tectak]

I got sucked into this poem.

anyhow, two things. Firstly, the opening line is really very good, but the word ‘exfoliated’ just doesn’t seem to fit. I know why it is there… but (for me) it sounds too, dare I say, common (if that makes sense). Of course, it says exactly what it means, paints a picture, as it should; but the word just sounds a bit clunky within the poem. The trouble is the line itself is wonderful, therefore I am probably being overly critical and if it were mine would struggle to change it… then probably wouldn't change it at all

The second thing, ‘the sun’s red eye’. In an otherwise creative piece this sticks out.

Hi shem,
Sorry I took so long to get back to you. I changed the sun's eyeliner as you suggested. It was a bit of a no-hoper. Exfoliated is dictionary-definite, but that doesn't always mean it is the best word....I was, though, puzzled by your use of the word "common" to describe it. Is this in the world of women's cosmetic devices used to make silk scarves slip off bare legs? If it is, then they nicked the word and made it common! If there is a better word, I'll use it. Bugger. I won't sleep tonight.
Best,
tectak