A small poem

[jo_poems]

I just scribbled these lines when I was missing some one badly.
You can call it as one of my first poems too
your feedbacks are welcome which I feel will help me grow


Without your arms around me…sleep doesn't bless my eyes..
Without you here, I wonder how your scent gets in to my senses..
From within, I can feel a strong desire for your presence…
It shows me an illusion of you, everywhere around me…
And I realize that am not lonely…
You live in my solitude too…

[brandontoh]

Hi! =) Welcome to the Pig Pen. First things first, don't overuse the ellipses. Also, sleep doesn't bless the soul/spirit/mind works better than eyes in my opinion. The second line can be rephrased into something like "You're not here, but your scent lingers". I'll stop here I guess, don't want to go overboard on what's ultimately a first draft in novice. Well, overall it's a poem about missing someone badly, so not much to say about that. For poetry, 'show, don't tell' is a good general rule of thumb in crafting good imageries. I do like the last line of your poem, and well, just keep writing. You'll get better. =) Hope I'm of help.

[jo_poems]

@brandontoh Thanks a lot for your inputs. this is the first ever critique i am getting for a poem and it motivates me to write more. Thanks again. Will keep a note of your points.

[noheart]

I agree with the fact that you should try not to use too many ellipses. Personally when I'm trying to create a pause in between words, which I feel you are trying to do, I find it better to split them between lines (I'm no expert though). All in all I found it to be quite a beautiful poem and my day feels but a bit brighter after reading it

[jo_poems]

@noheart : thanks for your kind words. It was just a collection few words which came out of me, which I thought may be called as a poem. i dont have any knowledge of these rules. But I am happy that i am at the right place to start with