Infinite

[corawrites]

This is half baked and I feel I need to take some stanzas out and add more in but I'm at a standstill for the moment so this is a pitstop for criticism I suppose. Help!

The people who made me who I am today
Strain my smile through blank stares of apathy
If they have even survived
The celeritous blade of sly surreptitious time

I face my past and I am a stranger to it

There are these widespread conditions
Afflicting all who happen to exist
They are not sad or unfortunate
They are simply how it is

A human life is profound and reaching
But it is shrunken and debased
By the world surrounding it

The cogs on the wheels ring clear and true:
The wheels wont stop for you
Or me or anyone

At times it seems a cruel existence:
Sadness overtakes and the sun still shines
Find oneself lost and cars persist by
Fall ill with silence and everyone else continues speaking
Stumble and the world keeps spinning

The only grace allowed
Is our dizzy heads being met by the unyielding ground
But even then, it's only gravity
Not the mercy of any higher power
Just the workings of this machine

Find solace in this subtlety:
With the shaming ease it is to feel insignificant
Like the universe we are lost in, a human life is infinite

[doolasmind#11]

This is half baked and I feel I need to take some stanzas out and add more in but I'm at a standstill for the moment so this is a pitstop for criticism I suppose. Help!

The people who made me who I am today
Strain my smile through blank stares of apathy
If they have even survived
The celeritous blade of sly surreptitious timeis surreptitious really needed? i mean you already used sly it just sounds a little redundant and it doesn't really flow off the tongue well[b]

I face my past and I am a stranger to itI can feel this... but you need to open up and describe it to me, not everyone feels this way

There are these widespread conditionsthere are these doesn't flow to me
Afflicting all who happen to exist
They are not sad or unfortunateneither sad nor unfortunate?
They are simply how it isi like these three lines though

A human life is profound and reaching
But it is shrunken and debased
By the world surrounding it

The cogs on the wheels ring clear and true:
The wheels wont stop for yougood thought but make it flow better
Or me or anyonestronger ending more passion

At times it seems a cruel existence:
Sadness overtakes and the sun still shines
Find oneself lost and cars persist by
Fall ill with silence and everyone else continues speakingmaybe put a comma and take out and
Stumble and the world keeps spinning

The only grace allowed
Is our dizzy heads being met by the unyielding groundnice i love this line
But even then, it's only gravity
Not the mercy of any higher power
Just the workings of this machine

Find solace in this subtlety:
With the shaming ease it is to feel insignificant
Like the universe we are lost in, a human life is infinitestrong ending very solid the ending moved me

i really like this so sorry if i wrote a alot lol, well i know it seems like a lot but it is just minor easily fixable stuff and based on your previous writings i think you go it. like i said this piece is really good and i think it has a lot of potential...keep working hope to see the revision soon

[corawrites]

i really like this so sorry if i wrote a alot lol, well i know it seems like a lot but it is just minor easily fixable stuff and based on your previous writings i think you go it. like i said this piece is really good and i think it has a lot of potential...keep working hope to see the revision soon

Your crit is exactly what I was hoping for, because I know the poem needs work but I've been unsure of how to improve it. Thanks for reading and thanks for the help (:

[doolasmind#11]

no problem, re-post the rough draft on here when you are done, i want to see the improvements you've made. keep it up. good work