The Night Parade

[Jagger Cyde]

Welcome all spectators
To the night parade

Please do not be alarmed
By the cold air that floats by
Please do not be scared
By the spirits that roam on

Isn't it strange
How many people think they know us
And are scared of what they think?
But yet, they don't have a clue

We were formed for a reason
A reason they ignore
But I can assure you
If they really knew our place
They would welcome us

They see the goblin's green flesh
And scream "Monster!"
I see the goblin's heart
And preach "Life"

Their ignorance is their fountain of fear
Fearful of what they don't understand
Oh, if only they could see
The true beauty that marches with us

Let me tell you who we are
We are loving creatures
Cast out for our differences
But now we have returned
But not for violence or a rebellion
Something so much greater
Something that can not be explained or told
Only felt

I do not ask for you to join us
Only to see us for what we are
Alive, and full of love

[brandontoh]

Welcome all spectators -- I really like this poem. To make it seem more like an announcer talking, which is the vibe I got from the whole poem, I suggest changing this line to "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen," also, do remember to add punctuation to the poem as a whole.
To the night parade -- I'd end it with an exclamation mark.

Please do not be alarmed
By the cold air that floats by -- "If you get shivers down your spine"? try to rephrase it so the imagery works better. Something that the audience feel.
Please do not be scared
By the spirits that roam on -- "By spectral wonders sitting next to you"? Once again, imagery.

Isn't it strange
How many people think they know us -- 'many' can be removed in my opinion.
And are scared of what they think?
But yet, they don't have a clue -- "Yet their ignorance is what they should truly fear"? Just a suggestion.

For the above stanza I avoided rephrasing the whole thing, which seems like a really bad habit of mine.

We were formed for a reason
A reason they ignore
But I can assure you
If they really knew our place
They would welcome us

I didn't really like the above stanza, it seems kind of redundant. The message of this stanza is being brought across through the rest of the poem in my opinion.

They see the goblin's green flesh
And scream "Monster!"
I see the goblin's heart
And preach "Life"

Good stanza, concise and gets the message across.

Their ignorance is their fountain of fear
Fearful of what they don't understand
Oh, if only they could see
The true beauty that marches with us

Once again, this stanza seems a little redundant. However, this stanza is like a lament of sorts, so maybe some rephrasing will make it work better. Maybe try making it sound like they tried, but people just won't understand?

Let me tell you who we are
We are loving creatures -- This line feels kind of weak.
Cast out for our differences -- This line too.
But now we have returned -- The 'but' can be removed.
But not for violence or a rebellion
Something so much greater
Something that can not be explained or told
Only felt

The above stanza feels a little weak in my opinion, and kind of brings the whole poem down. Try maybe thinking of how an announcer will introduce a group and write it that way? As it stands now, the stanza just sort of jerks me out of the whole imagery of the poem.

I do not ask for you to join us
Only to see us for what we are
Alive, and full of love -- The stanza is good, but the last line could be improved.

Personally, other than the lack of punctuation, I think if you're really going for the announcer direction, some rephrasing will make the poem better. Try making it a confident, charismatic announcer. I believe the poem will be better that way. My suggestions and rephrasings are just that. Suggestions. They're examples to help get my point across, and ultimately it's your poem, so it's up to you to ponder over my feedback. I really like this poem, and I see potential there, so I can't wait to see the revised edition. Hope I'm of help. =)

[Jagger Cyde]

Thank you so much. I really liked the suggestions you gave, as they seem very truthful and I do agree with most of them. I am very tempted to start reworking on it tonight, however I do have school tomorrow and I tend to not like running on 6 hours of sleep. I'm very anxious to begin tomorrow