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Look to the moon, for there my eyes alight wherever your eyes rest.
Though we are held apart by distance longer than our arms can reach,
we still can meet there in the night-time, secret lay-lines side by side.
You and I will touch the dust that none who love have touched before;
yet leave no trace, no stain of presence, no hanging heartbeats in the air.
Look to the sun, but shade your eyes, for there I shall be looking, too.
Take off your clothes; and naked, recall how the dried-out ash logs glowed
and how we spent a crystal winter, wrapped in furs and warmth of skin.
We rode the seven rays of heaven; the day-star shone on you and me.
Synchronised in sight, together, we beat as one in space and time.
Look to the stars, for there I'll find you; seek out the brightest in the void
and I will look to that same glimmer, we will share its nuclear flame.
Though all the firmament is burning , we will but one beacon see.
A thousand light-years separate us, but for this second we are joined,
and wrapped in lover's grand illusion we vanish in the cloak of time.
tectak Jan 2010
edit 1
Look to the moon, for there my eyes alight where ever your eyes rest.
Though we are held apart by distance longer than our arms can reach,
we still can meet there in the night-time, secret lay-lines side by side.
You and I will touch the dust that none who love have touched before;
yet leave no trace, no stain of presence, no hanging heartbeats in the air.
Look to the sun, but shade your eyes, for there I shall be looking, too.
Take off your clothes; and naked recall how the dried-out ash logs glowed;
and how we spent a crystal winter, wrapped in furs and warmth of skin.
We ride the seven rays of heaven; the day-star shines on you and I.
In syncopated sight, together, we are as one in space and time.
Look to the stars, for there I'll find you; seek out the brightest in the void
and I will look to that same glimmer, we will share its nuclear flame.
Though all the firmament is burning yet we will but one beacon see.
A thousand light-years separate us, but for this second we are joined,
and wrapped in lover's grand illusion we vanish in the cloak of time.
tectak Jan 2010
Posts: 72
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Joined: Dec 2012
Interesting to see the original and edited version if only because the edits are quite minimal. To my reading the edits offer slight improvement. (However I must ask, isn't 'wherever' [original] more correct than 'where ever' [edit]? Not a big issue though.
I struggle with the 'shared view of a distant object' concept in terms of the way it's expressed. I think you may have benefited had you chosen to say 'lets both look at the man in the moon' and perhaps got him involved with the pair. Similarly you might have used 'sun-angels' or 'star-signs' for the other two verses. This would help with the problem that arises due to lack of specificity in, for example, the statement
"Look to the moon, for there my eyes alight wherever your eyes rest."
where my first thought was, 'how do you know her and your eyes will rest on the same spot?' The problem with the imagery in relation to S2 is obvious, I see two people squinting (romantically if that's possible) up into the distance, hands shading their eyes... not a very romantic image. In S3 the issue is slightly different, you ask your lover to pick out the brightest star. If this had been the opening S I would have gone with it happily, but with the doubts experienced in S's 1&2 I was looking for the hilarious image of the joint viewing being all wrong cuz both parties are unknowingly looking at different stars confused by the relative distance in candelas (brightness, IIRC) emitted from different ones!.
There are also one or two places where the meaning is lost on me -
"...the dust that none who love have touched before;" - the significance of the dust?
I like the line that follows but wonder if 'hanging heartbeats' may be too abstract to survive re-drafts.
"We rode the seven rays of heaven;" is another gloriously poetic phrase which left me with a question mark suspended above my head.
"...we beat as one in space and time." In view of my prior comments I'd seek to link this 'togetherness' with the process of looking rather than the more specific criterion that you're actually seeing the same thing, at the same time.
"nuclear flame." Felt like a different voice to the rest of the poem.
"Though all the firmament is burning , we will but one beacon see." I like this line despite the the word order being manipulated.
I get the "...lover's grand illusion..." bit but unclear about, "we vanish in the cloak of time." Where? Why? How?
Much respect, Pete.
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(01-23-2013, 07:37 PM)Pete Ak Wrote: Interesting to see the original and edited version if only because the edits are quite minimal. To my reading the edits offer slight improvement. (However I must ask, isn't 'wherever' [original] more correct than 'where ever' [edit]? Not a big issue though.Changed due to stiff opposition from svanhoeven. Argue with him
I struggle with the 'shared view of a distant object' concept in terms of the way it's expressed. I think you may have benefited had you chosen to say 'lets both look at the man in the moon' and perhaps got him involved with the pair.There is no man in the moon.It is a myth The moon subtends an angle of just over 0.5 degrees.....need I say more? Similarly you might have used 'sun-angels' or 'star-signs' for the other two verses. This would help with the problem that arises due to lack of specificity in, for example, the statement
"Look to the moon, for there my eyes alight wherever your eyes rest."
where my first thought was, 'how do you know her and your eyes will rest on the same spot?' See subtensionThe problem with the imagery in relation to S2 is obvious, I see two people squinting (romantically if that's possible) up into the distance, hands shading their eyes... not a very romantic image.He suggests she shades her eyes because he is expressing concern for her....aaaawwwwww.....ain't that romantic? In S3 the issue is slightly different, you ask your lover to pick out the brightest star. If this had been the opening S I would have gone with it happily, but with the doubts experienced in S's 1&2 I was looking for the hilarious image of the joint viewing being all wrong cuz both parties are unknowingly looking at different stars confused by the relative distance in candelas (brightness, IIRC) emitted from different ones!.Ah, but that is the point.....it matters not if they are looking at different stars.....it is the comfort they derive from BELIEVING they are looking at the same point....have you no romance in you at all?
There are also one or two places where the meaning is lost on me -
"...the dust that none who love have touched before;" - the significance of the dust? Well, it is the moon we are talking about....symbolically they have touched the dust at a point of conjunction ( union?) but will leave no signs of having been there....unlike others who were NOT lovers. At least, not reported by NASA. Hmm. the 238,000 mile high club.
I like the line that follows but wonder if 'hanging heartbeats' may be too abstract to survive re-drafts.Yes. Alliteration overtook me. I remembered the controversy over the veracity of the stars and stripes stuck on the moon suface and how it "hung".....some saw it flutter, like a heart beat. Way to abstract especially for me. It may have to go.
"We rode the seven rays of heaven;" is another gloriously poetic phrase which left me with a question mark suspended above my head.Google it....everyone else does
"...we beat as one in space and time." In view of my prior comments I'd seek to link this 'togetherness' with the process of looking rather than the more specific criterion that you're actually seeing the same thing, at the same time.Yes...you are right again. I already cocked up using syncopation so I will have to change the whole line. Thanks for the catch
"nuclear flame." Felt like a different voice to the rest of the poem.Bugger. I like this so it stays....but any other suggestion will be given consideration. It has the benefit of accuracy but little else.
"Though all the firmament is burning , we will but one beacon see." I like this line despite the the word order being manipulated.Yes, yoda speak prone to am I. Help it I cannot.
I get the "...lover's grand illusion..." bit but unclear about, "we vanish in the cloak of time." Where? Why? How?Now hang on a moment.We are talking about a romantic conversation between two much separated lovers who are deriving comfort from being able to send out the tendrils of sight and connect in locations so far away that it makes their own distance apart seem much diminished.....and I should know because I bloody well wrote it It is, of course, a grand illusion. That bit is a known.
To look as one to a star involves a pretty significant use of time, space, relativity and to a greater degree, romanticism. Somewhere on that great optical journey (not forgetting that any star ....no, not the bloody sun...is potentially not even there....and taking on board your very fair point that they may be looking at different stars.....) surely it is reasonable to let the pair, who are nothing more than their love for each other, just vanish into infinity...... and with one bound, he was free!!!!
Holy Moses...I think I may have written something profound. I'm a poet, and I know it...hope I don't blow it. Hmmmmm. I think I've heard that somewhere before. .
Truly good crit....many thanks.[b]
Much respect, Pete.
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Posts: 2,602
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(01-23-2013, 08:49 PM)Pete Ak Wrote: Even better riposte!
What a coincidence! I just posted Dakhla-Par Avion , a true effort, and I thought I would check that Exupery would be acceptable, rather than Saint Exupery. I found this:
Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the
same direction. Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Well bugger me!
Best,
tectak
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