Snowflakes on a fleeting day,
Slipping through peaceful gray,
Rounding edges in natural mass,
Cleanse into rounded plains,
Interruptions of distant view,
Intended to blend blue,
Forming a modest tone,
Never seen never known,
Drift found by sovereign wind,
Lapse found before it begins,
Strive softly, to no avail,
Pleasure found on the way down.
Snowflakes are beautiful, unique and intricate. A poem that starts with snowflakes.. I think it would have been nice to express their beauty. But you don't have to be like every one else - of course
"
Rounding edges in natural mass, cleanse into rounded plains?" these two lines I don't quite understand what you are referring to, are you describing how a curb (for example) can disappear into the snow? the edges rounding?
"
Cleanse into rounded plains" - Snow is covering everything up.. the life under the snow becomes dormant in my mind, not cleansed. Though white could have a special meaning to you, I am not sure.
Color is our perception. "
Intended to blend blue, forming a modest tone" but "
never seen and never known?"
If it is never seen and never known, how do we know what color it is?
Interruptions of distant view What is interrupting? A wolf in the backdrop? The sun? A handsome man? This poem raises a lot of questions about what is actually happening. I want it so badly to paint a beautiful mysterious image, but the lines are so mysterious the pixels of the image I am getting are too large. The scene is blurry - pun intended
Also, "
intended to blend blue." I think it is intended for or intend to do. Not sure how you could rewrite that.
"Drift found by sovereign wind. Lapse found before it begins" Lapse: A temporary failure of concentration. Oooh I like this, "
sovereign wind" - I like to imagine the wind is a being and you are saying he had a bit of a mental lapse. ha! I am going to remember that the next time the wind stops blowing for a few seconds and then picks up again.
"Drift found by sovereign wind. A drift was found by the wind.. to drift is the act of being carried along by the wind, what is drifting? Maybe the wind was so strong ducks were blown off their feet
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEBLt6Kd9EY such a cute and unfortunate video. Oh right, this is winter we are talking about here.
Strive softly, to no avail,
Pleasure found on the way down.
We are back to the snow flakes again, I think. Strive.. the snowflakes are struggling and fighting vigorously - but softly to no avail?
Pleasure found on the way down The snowflakes are experiencing pleasure or I am experiencing pleasure by watching them fall - who is the speaker?
I am working on something very similar - where the message of my poem is getting lost in the words. This poem needs a clearer image of what is happening line by line. Read over the poem again but put your feet in the shoes of the reader. Paint an image for us we wont forget. Poetry doesn't have to be so mysterious. It would be cool (ha!) if the poem was about the Wind Man/Wind being, or whatever you like to think it is.
Keep working at it
