Per cogitandi, libertatem ( or Lingua in Maxillam)

[tectak]

edit 1. rowens

If there are a thousand ways to say what I must say,
why should I choose just one?
And if there are ten trillion stars that light the Milky Way,
what need is there for sun?
A million pebbles lie upon the shifting tide-swept beach;
why do I have no choice?
And if I cry a billion tears, though you are out of reach,
why can’t you hear my voice?

Damn you, you whore, you lying bitch.
( I hope that this is clear)
I hope your sun and stars go out.
( then maybe you will see)
You can be replaced, you witch;
(..that was my greatest fear.)
I won’t be calling, live in doubt.
( Now hear this…I am free)


original
If there are a thousand ways to say what I must say,
why should I choose just one?
And if there are ten trillion stars that light the Milky Way,
what need is there for sun?
A million pebbles lie upon the shifting tide-swept beach;
why do I have no choice?
And if I cry a billion tears, though you are out of reach,
why can’t you hear my voice?

Damn you, you whore, you lying bitch.
( I hope that this is clear)
I hope your sun and stars go out.
( in darkness you will be )
You can be replaced, you witch;
(..that was my greatest fear.)
I won’t be calling, live in doubt.
( Now hear this…I am free)

Tectak
2013

[rowens]

This gets the job done...."in darkness you will be" seems the only stiff line. But it's clear, and it's correct...so what can you do?

[tectak]

This gets the job done...."in darkness you will be" seems the only stiff line. But it's clear, and it's correct...so what can you do?

Thanks rowens,
Yes to your nit. Bugger. I may have to wrestle all night to get round it!
Seriously, though, you are right. It is a crap line. All the best ones are
I will change it and credit you.
Best,
tectak

[svanhoeven]

A couple of spots that slowed me down and made me think while reading it:

edit 1. rowens

If there are a thousand ways to say what I must say,
I had to re-read this line several times to get the meter. After I realized it lacked a non-stressed first syllable, then I could read it consistently with the following lines.
why should I choose just one?
The following is just an observation not criticism. After reading two lines, I'm wondering (out of ignorance): is this alternating iambic heptameter and trimeter, or iambic decimeter broken over two lines? Is that impossible by definition? Is there a difference? Anyway, it just gave the lines an extra pause which threw me off a bit.
And if there are ten trillion stars that light the Milky Way,
what need is there for sun?
A million pebbles lie upon the shifting tide-swept beach;
why do I have no choice?
And if I cry a billion tears, though you are out of reach,
why can’t you hear my voice?

Damn you, you whore, you lying bitch.
( I hope that this is clear)
OK, it seems you're using the parentheses to signify an internal aside.
I hope your sun and stars go out.
( then maybe you will see)
Not sure you should use the parentheses here, since you're directly addressing the bitch ("you will see").
You can be replaced, you witch;
(..that was my greatest fear.)
OK, you don't want to tell the bitch you were afraid, keep the parentheses.
I won’t be calling, live in doubt.
( Now hear this…I am free)
This is an imperative ("Now hear this"). Don't keep it to yourself, tell that bitch off! (Drop the parentheses)


Tectak
2013

[tectak]

A couple of spots that slowed me down and made me think while reading it:

edit 1. rowens

If there are a thousand ways to say what I must say,
I had to re-read this line several times to get the meter. After I realized it lacked a non-stressed first syllable, then I could read it consistently with the following lines.
why should I choose just one?
The following is just an observation not criticism. After reading two lines, I'm wondering (out of ignorance): is this alternating iambic heptameter and trimeter, or iambic decimeter broken over two lines? Is that impossible by definition? Is there a difference? Anyway, it just gave the lines an extra pause which threw me off a bit.
And if there are ten trillion stars that light the Milky Way,
what need is there for sun?
A million pebbles lie upon the shifting tide-swept beach;
why do I have no choice?
And if I cry a billion tears, though you are out of reach,
why can’t you hear my voice?

Damn you, you whore, you lying bitch.
( I hope that this is clear)
OK, it seems you're using the parentheses to signify an internal aside.
I hope your sun and stars go out.
( then maybe you will see)
Not sure you should use the parentheses here, since you're directly addressing the bitch ("you will see").
You can be replaced, you witch;
(..that was my greatest fear.)
OK, you don't want to tell the bitch you were afraid, keep the parentheses.
I won’t be calling, live in doubt.
( Now hear this…I am free)
This is an imperative ("Now hear this"). Don't keep it to yourself, tell that bitch off! (Drop the parentheses)


Tectak
2013

This is cheekily Lingua in Maxillam I had just had a parentheses rant over one of serge's tomes at which time I disavowed him of the need for same. In this piece, the "in parentheses" have their own rhyme scheme A,B,A,B which is pensively sandwiched in between the voiced thoughts of the character, rather like a sub-conscious id-based reality check. Perhaps it didn't work.
Regarding the emphasi(e)s problem(s)I can only agree. I have noticed that many of us feel that we are entitled to our own syllabic pressures in our writings and I am no exception. The trouble is that once you have read your own work in a "certain" way you accept it from that point on. It needs the mauling of a good crit (thank you) to spot the wobbly bits. The first "If" can be isolated, like this
IF.....there are/a thous/and ways/ to say/ what I/must say
why should/I choose/just one?

Is this alternating iambic heptameter and trimeter No. I do not see that. I think it would be difficult to force heptameter into trimeter/decimeter without glottal stops, which I suppose could be felt as pauses!, or iambic decimeter broken over two lines.Yes. That is how I read it. There may be a re-emphasis on second syllable of the second line in each couplet but that would be natural speech. I read this aloud to check it out. If you still think it is off, get back to me and we'll look at it again. Regarding the possibility of "definition", frankly, anything goes once you DO read out loud because you can stretch or concatenate dialectually. I shouldn't worry about definitions....I don't but who am I? By the way, nice catch on the last parentheses. Maybe they should go....trouble is, she is not present so would not hear anyway. What say you? Should I bring her in to the last couplet?
Best and thanks,
tectak

[Mr. Shankly]

The language strikes me as being, overall, juvenile.

[tectak]

The language strikes me as being, overall, juvenile.

Perhaps you are right....but could you say why? In an adult way, of course.
I will adjust to suit if you make a good case but this kind of crit says very little of consequence and I am very open to serious suggestions.
Best and thank you,
tectak

[svanhoeven]

What say you? Should I bring her in to the last couplet?

I'd like it better if you said these things to her face. Just my opinion.