The Heart's Supremacy

[Dporfann]

My debut on this forum. Written today

The Heart's Supremacy
We fell for her
And for him
Even when Conviction prevented it
But Temptation drew us ever closer
Like fish on a rod
We were destined
To be together
In our minds
But we knew
Life couldn't be the way we dictated
Other forces played their game
Puppetry was its name
We cried in our sleep
And relished in our dreams
It hurt when we came to realization
But like Lord Tennyson said,
'Tis better to love and have lost
Than to never have loved at all
Those words comforted us
Because we knew we had lost
Your love
Your heart
The kisses
In the hearth
Above all else
I loved
It
You
And it was sweet,
Oh so sweet
To be in love
That is, The Heart's Supremacy

[Yelleryella123]

post-modern juliet!

[brandontoh]

My debut on this forum. Written today

The Heart's Supremacy --- The title is already there, you can remove this line.
We fell for her
And for him
Even when Conviction prevented it
But Temptation drew us ever closer --- Personally I wouldn't include temptation in the poem, since the fish on a rod line illustrates the idea well enough in my opinion.
Like fish on a rod
We were destined
To be together
In our minds --- Unnecessary
But we knew --- Unnecessary
Life couldn't be the way we dictated
Other forces played their game --- I'd rephrase it as "But life's guided by otherworldly forces", but it's your choice, ultimately
Puppetry was its name
We cried in our sleep
And relished in our dreams
It hurt when we came to realization --- "Realisation hurts" flows better in my opinion.

I think I'll stop here, since you're posting in mild. It's a good attempt, and rephrasing the lines to remove any excess would make it better in my opinion. Also, do try to add punctuation. Hope I'm of help. =)