Last Dream

[DaedricPrince]

To the soldiers that protect our country; Thank you.

Here I tend;
My final sight.
Men and woman die,
As I lay tight.
Shards of flames,
Flaming in hate,
I walk across my distiguished fate.
I can not help, nor can I lead.
To lay on the ground I see,
I can understand death is upon me.
Sounds roar,
Becoming constant in my core.
Yells, screams, tortures the scene;
I close my eyes, hoping for a dream.

[Yelleryella123]

This is beautiful - I am new to poetry but I really enjoyed "I walk across my distinguished fate. I can not help, nor can I lead."
I feel a lack of control - in what we are allowed to control in this culture.. we have choices in this society but how do we know the choices we make aren't implanted into our subconscious through power of suggestion / an illusion of choice. Who is the one giving us these choices? How many companies are there to choose from that lead back to 1 of the 4 main corporations? This hit a chord with me in our fates, if they are predetermined by a "higher power" - could that higher power be the people who give us that illusion of choice? "Men and women die, As I lay tight." - this line made me think of the people around the world who I cannot help, what seems out of my control - and I get this comfortable life, yet uncomfortable in these questions philosophically - "Who is really calling the shots?" "Who am I?" "What is true comfort?"

does any of this strike a chord? I am having a hard time expressing the feeling this poem is generating in me
I also see signing a contract into a war, the thoughts you have as you bleed out from a gun shot - "distinguished fate" - acceptance from the get go that you will die, for a purpose - but a sense of uncertainty - which leads me back to the illusion of choice

Rigamortis "As I lay tight"

[tectak]

This is beautiful - I am new to poetry but I really enjoyed "I walk across my distinguished fate. I can not help, nor can I lead."
Like you are walking over it? I feel a lack of control - in what we are allowed to control in this society.. we have choices in this society but how do we know the choices we make aren't implanted into our subconscious through power of suggestion - or that we have an illusion of choice. Who is the one giving us these choices? How many companies are there to choose from that lead back to 1 of the 4 main corporations? This hit a chord with me in our fates, if they are predetermined by a "higher power" - that higher power could be the people who give us that illusion of choice. "Men and women die, As I lay tight." - this line made me think of the people around the world who I cannot help, it seems out of my control - and I get this comfortable life, yet uncomfortable in these questions philosophically - "Who is really calling the shots?" "Who am I?"

does any of this strike a chord? I am having a hard time expressing the feeling this poem is generating in me in words
I also see signing a contract into a war, the thoughts you have as you bleed out from a gun shot - "distinguished fate" - like, you accepted from the get go that you would die, for a purpose
Rigamortis "As I lay tight"

RIGOR bloody MORTIS
Sorry, and uncontrolled outburst.
tectak

[rowens]

Here I tend;

Tend to what?


My final sight.

Tending to your final sight.


Men and woman die,

Only one woman dies?

As I lay tight.
Shards of flames,
Flaming in hate,
I walk across my distiguished fate.
I can not help, nor can I lead.
To lay on the ground I see,
I can understand death is upon me.
Sounds roar,
Becoming constant in my core.
Yells, screams, tortures the scene;
I close my eyes, hoping for a dream.




The higher powers are bumbling assholes. And most people can philosophize all day, but never do anything about these so-called higher powers because they're too afraid of looking like bumbling assholes themselves. Just because you feel warm inside or a shiver go down your spine when you read or think a profound thought doesn't mean that anything profound is going on in the world based on that.

So while the bumbling assholes are selling us gasoline for our cars, and clothes that some starving pregnant woman in a "third world country" is sewing for us: we can sit around agonizing over how smart we are.

But being a soldier to defend this stuff is just as pointless as pointlessly doing nothing. So if you can be comfortable for a moment, you're lucky. Comfort is addictive, most people would put up with anything to cling to it.

[DaedricPrince]

As I lay tight.
Shards of flames,
Flaming in hate,
I walk across my distiguished fate.
I can not help, nor can I lead.
To lay on the ground I see,
I can understand death is upon me.
Sounds roar,
Becoming constant in my core.
Yells, screams, tortures the scene;
I close my eyes, hoping for a dream.

The problem with your version is, you went straight to the point. You moved stuff around, took stuff out, that's not how it was meant to be read.

I write poems to give you a sense of vision. Hence why I add all the minor details of the scene. To add emotions and power. Therefore, I cannot sense any of that in your version.

Some things may not make sense, and I can't explain to you the scene. Fire, Fear, Sadness, and unforgettable sounds. That is what makes up the scene. It's the reader's job to visualize it. Not think about it, but visualize.

Thanks.

[rowens]

I didn't take those parts out. I just asked questions about them. I've seen these things. But there's nothing new added by you. And I remembered reading something by you before. And you said something about how something big was coming, "Wait, just wait." I forget exactly what you said, but something like that. So I expected more.

I figured you meant you were tending to the war, in this poem. That's what I saw. But still I expected more from you, based on comments from you about your work.

[popeye]

This is beautiful - I am new to poetry but I really enjoyed "I walk across my distinguished fate. I can not help, nor can I lead."
Like you are walking over it? I feel a lack of control - in what we are allowed to control in this society.. we have choices in this society but how do we know the choices we make aren't implanted into our subconscious through power of suggestion - or that we have an illusion of choice. Who is the one giving us these choices? How many companies are there to choose from that lead back to 1 of the 4 main corporations? This hit a chord with me in our fates, if they are predetermined by a "higher power" - that higher power could be the people who give us that illusion of choice. "Men and women die, As I lay tight." - this line made me think of the people around the w orld who I cannot help, it seems out of my control - and I get this comfortable life, yet uncomfortable in these questions philosophically - "Who is really calling the shots?" "Who am I?"

does any of this strike a chord? I am having a hard time expressing the feeling this poem is generating in me in words
I also see signing a contract into a war, the thoughts you have as you bleed out from a gun shot - "distinguished fate" - like, you accepted from the get go that you would die, for a purpose
Rigamortis "As I lay tight"

RIGOR bloody MORTIS
Sorry, and uncontrolled outburst.
tectak

LOL, that's a bit stiff tectak!