Loving Apart edit 2 shem

[tectak]

Look to the moon, for there my eyes alight wherever your eyes rest.
Though we are held apart by distance longer than our arms can reach,
we still can meet there in the night-time, secret lay-lines side by side.
You and I will touch the dust that none who love have touched before;
yet leave no trace, no stain of presence, no hanging heartbeats in the air.j

Look to the sun, but shade your eyes, for there I shall be looking, too.
Take off your clothes; and naked, recall how the dried-out ash logs glowed
and how we spent a crystal winter, wrapped in furs and warmth of skin.
We rode the seven rays of heaven; the day-star shone on you and me.
Synchronised in sight, together, we beat as one in space and time.

Look to the stars, for there I'll find you; seek out the brightest in the void
and I will look to that same glimmer, we will share its nuclear flame.
Though all the firmament is burning , we will but one beacon see. concession to billy. ish.
A thousand light-years separate us, but for this second we are joined,
and wrapped in lover's grand illusion we vanish in the cloak of time.

tectak
Jan 2010

Look to the moon, for there my eyes alight where ever your eyes rest.
Though we are held apart by distance longer than our arms can reach,
we still can meet there in the night-time, secret lay-lines side by side.
You and I will touch the dust that none who love have touched before;
yet leave no trace, no stain of presence, no hanging heartbeats in the air.

Edit 1
Look to the sun, but shade your eyes, for there I shall be looking, too.
Take off your clothes; and naked recall how the dried-out ash logs glowed;
and how we spent a crystal winter, wrapped in furs and warmth of skin.
We ride the seven rays of heaven; the day-star shines on you and I.
In syncopated sight, together, we are as one in space and time.

Look to the stars, for there I'll find you; seek out the brightest in the void
and I will look to that same glimmer, we will share its nuclear flame.
Though all the firmament is burning yet we will but one beacon see.
A thousand light-years separate us, but for this second we are joined,
and wrapped in lover's grand illusion we vanish in the cloak of time.

tectak
Jan 2010

Thanks for all of this , shem. Especially the schoolboy howler "you and me"
I think this makes a point. I have taken up all your suggestions because I just DID NOT see the errors. Paris in the the Spring. The semi-colon instead of a comma was an unforced error. The previous semi-colon should have been prohibitory. That billy thinks that grammar is who his grandad married but he means well....and shall tell him so on his crit
BTW. Did you get to "One breath for Helen"?
Best,
tectak

[shemthepenman]

I really like the 'purpose' of this poem (for want of a better word). But some of the wording seems to go against it. 'Syncopated sight'? 'Nuclear flame'? and 'a thousand light-years'? I am not certain these are the best choice of words. They sound a little like a struggle to sound profound. A struggle and ultimately produce the opposite effect (but it happens - especially when writing about love or death).

---

*a struggle that ultimately produces the opposite effect.

[tectak]

I really like the 'purpose' of this poem (for want of a better word). But some of the wording seems to go against it. 'Syncopated sight'? 'Nuclear flame'? and 'a thousand light-years'? I am not certain these are the best choice of words. They sound a little like a struggle to sound profound. A struggle and ultimately produce the opposite effect (but it happens - especially when writing about love or death).

---

*a struggle that ultimately produces the opposite effect.

Yikes! The last thing I want is to strive for profundity....I am opposed to profundity in all its esoteric manifestations.
I will not disagree with the subjectiveness of your crit but would excuse myself on the grounds that one man's profundity is anothers er...well, you get my meaning?
The syncopated sight is just what it says......looking at the same time.
Nuclear flame.....well, that IS what stars shine with, so it is what it says on the tin BUT you have a point...it is the wrong category of word for a love poem.
a thousand light years.... yes, it is verging on profound and so may need to be eliminated. I hoped that as the tenet of the piece was love link by light I would get away free....but it is not to be
This effort was inspired by a short story written years ago in which disillusioned love terminates in murderous intent....the two lovers became separated by events but gave early solace to each other by looking at the same sun at the same time though thousands of miles apart. It wasn't enough then and it still isn't.
Thanks for this. Changes will be credited.
Best
tectak

[shemthepenman]

em... 'profound' was possibly the wrong choice of word on my part (oh dear, choosing the wrong word to advise someone they may have chosen the wrong word; I need more practice at this. I suppose, I meant 'grand' or something like that. well, anyhow, the phrases and words I indicated felt a little spiky for a love poem. But, you say wrong category and indeed, that is what I was clumsily trying to say.
also, just a note, I am not so opposed to profundity or 'esoteric manifestations'; but i think they must be done well (either in secret or so obviously that they rattle).
ps. I would like to read that short story.

[tectak]

em... 'profound' was possibly the wrong choice of word on my part (oh dear, choosing the wrong word to advise someone they may have chosen the wrong word; I need more practice at this. I suppose, I meant 'grand' or something like that. well, anyhow, the phrases and words I indicated felt a little spiky for a love poem. But, you say wrong category and indeed, that is what I was clumsily trying to say.
also, just a note, I am not so opposed to profundity or 'esoteric manifestations'; but i think they must be done well (either in secret or so obviously that they rattle).
ps. I would like to read that short story.

Vanity, vanity.....just google One Breath for Helen.
Thanks again,
tectak

[billy]

i wouldn't have noticed it myself but after reading someone else crit (which i hate to do for this very reason) i'm tainted; nuclear and a thousand light years don't sound lovey dovey enough for the rest of and style of the poem. other than that there was one piece of yoda speak that pokes through just a tad to much. still, enjoy the piece i did i just enjoyed the read and because of that i struggle to find anything much in way of constructive crit. .

Look to the moon, for there my eyes alight where ever your eyes rest.
Though we are held apart by distance longer than our arms can reach,
we still can meet there in the night-time, secret lay-lines side by side.
You and I will touch the dust that none who love have touched before;
yet leave no trace, no stain of presence, no hanging heartbeats in the air.

Look to the sun, but shade your eyes, for there I shall be looking, too.
Take off your clothes; and naked recall how the dried-out ash logs glowed; yummy
and how we spent a crystal winter, wrapped in furs and warmth of skin.
We ride the seven rays of heaven; the day-star shines on you and I.
In syncopated sight, together, we are as one in space and time.

Look to the stars, for there I'll find you; seek out the brightest in the void
and I will look to that same glimmer, we will share its nuclear flame.
Though all the firmament is burning yet we will still one beacon see. well and alive yoda is in your poem young skywalker.
A thousand light-years separate us, but for this second we are joined,
and wrapped in lover's grand illusion we vanish in the cloak of time.

tectak
Jan 2010

[svanhoeven]

Minor grammar and punctuation suggestions:

Look to the moon, for there my eyes alight where ever your eyes rest.
Hmm... "where ever" or "wherever"? Let me try it. "Where ever did you get that blue dress?" or "Wherever you are, I will find you." In my opinion, yours is the latter usage, thus "wherever".
Though we are held apart by distance longer than our arms can reach,
we still can meet there in the night-time, secret lay-lines side by side.
You and I will touch the dust that none who love have touched before;
yet leave no trace, no stain of presence, no hanging heartbeats in the air.

Look to the sun, but shade your eyes, for there I shall be looking, too.
Take off your clothes; and naked recall how the dried-out ash logs glowed;
I think the first semi-colon should be a comma, since it's followed by a conjunction. They both serve kind of the same purpose, so you should pick one or the other.
and how we spent a crystal winter, wrapped in furs and warmth of skin.
We ride the seven rays of heaven; the day-star shines on you and I.
"On you and I" is a prepositional phrase and should therefore use objective pronouns, i.e. "On you and me".
In syncopated sight, together, we are as one in space and time.

Look to the stars, for there I'll find you; seek out the brightest in the void
and I will look to that same glimmer, we will share its nuclear flame.
I think the comma after "glimmer" should be a semi-colon since it's followed by an independent clause. Maybe the above two lines should read, "Look to the stars, for there I'll find you. Seek out the brightest in the void and I will look to that same glimmer; we will share its nuclear flame."

Though all the firmament is burning yet we will still one beacon see.
A thousand light-years separate us, but for this second we are joined,
and wrapped in lover's grand illusion we vanish in the cloak of time.

tectak
Jan 2010

[tectak]

i wouldn't have noticed it myself but after reading someone else crit (which i hate to do for this very reason) i'm tainted; nuclear and a thousand light years don't sound lovey dovey enough for the rest of and style of the poem. other than that there was one piece of yoda speak that pokes through just a tad to much. still, enjoy the piece i did i just enjoyed the read and because of that i struggle to find anything much in way of constructive crit. .

Look to the moon, for there my eyes alight where ever your eyes rest.
Though we are held apart by distance longer than our arms can reach,
we still can meet there in the night-time, secret lay-lines side by side.
You and I will touch the dust that none who love have touched before;
yet leave no trace, no stain of presence, no hanging heartbeats in the air.

Look to the sun, but shade your eyes, for there I shall be looking, too.
Take off your clothes; and naked recall how the dried-out ash logs glowed; yummy
and how we spent a crystal winter, wrapped in furs and warmth of skin.
We ride the seven rays of heaven; the day-star shines on you and I.
In syncopated sight, together, we are as one in space and time.

Look to the stars, for there I'll find you; seek out the brightest in the void
and I will look to that same glimmer, we will share its nuclear flame.
Though all the firmament is burning yet we will still one beacon see. well and alive yoda is in your poem young skywalker.
A thousand light-years separate us, but for this second we are joined,
and wrapped in lover's grand illusion we vanish in the cloak of time.

tectak
Jan 2010

Hi billy,
Things seem to be on the up as far as workshopping is concerned. I have slapped up rev 2 but will STILL be changing the language. The "thousand light years" and "nuclear flame" do stand out like candles on a slag heap. I am a scientist in exile...occasionally I lapse.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

don't we all

[svanhoeven]

On L10, I'm not sure that "syncopated" (an auditory or rhythmic term) is what you should choose for people separated by distance gazing at the same thing at the same time. Did you mean "synchronized"?

[tectak]

On L10, I'm not sure that "syncopated" (an auditory or rhythmic term) is what you should choose for people separated by distance gazing at the same thing at the same time. Did you mean "synchronized"?

Bugger. Yes. You are absolutely correct. Me and my science-based ego. This is a fuck-up. I will try harder.
Thank you.
Keep it quiet. Hubris hurts!
Best,
tectak