Nostalgia

[jferrell]

Here's another poem that is becoming more and more frustrating to finish. I am still working on a few more stanzas. I am not pleased with this one at all but I figured some constructive insight might turn this beast into a beauty.

Diverted eyes tell a story that's been told a thousand times before,
Insignificance measured in shady expressions and ambiguous excuses,
Suspended in a state of perpetual ambivalence somewhere between happiness and sorrow,

Abandoned,

Left isolated in a world full of familiar faces,
Branded with an immutable crosshair on my back,
And all I got was this T-shirt,

Oh just take me back to the start,
I was just a boy and you were just a girl,
Two people thrown into the never ending treadmill they call real life,
Chasing the elusive dream of happiness like a carrot on a stick,

[brandontoh]

Here's another poem that is becoming more and more frustrating to finish. I am still working on a few more stanzas. I am not pleased with this one at all but I figured some constructive insight might turn this beast into a beauty.

Diverted eyes tell a story that's been told a thousand times before,
Insignificance measured in shady expressions and ambiguous excuses,
Suspended in a state of perpetual ambivalence somewhere between happiness and sorrow,

The first stanza is a little too wordy for my taste. Try to cut down the excess. For example,

Diverted eyes, the same old song again.
Vague emotions, unclear reasons,
Glaring insignificance.
Neither happy nor sorrowful,
But it's no apathy.

Well I feel like I've reworded it a little too much, but you know, cut down some words here and there from the original, and it'll flow way better, especially in relation to the rest of the poem.


Abandoned,

Left isolated in a world full of familiar faces,
Branded with an immutable crosshair on my back,
And all I got was this T-shirt,

'Abandoned' can be removed. Instead, try moving isolated up.

Isolated.

In world of familiar faces,
Immutable crosshair on my back --- I feel that immutable and branded serves the same purpose.
And all I got was this T-shirt.

Once again, it's about cutting the excess.

Oh just take me back to the start,
I was just a boy and you were just a girl,
Two people thrown into the never ending treadmill they call real life,
Chasing the elusive dream of happiness like a carrot on a stick,

Here too, is where I'd cut the excess, and I'll not reword this stanza, because I feel that I've gone overboard already. For example, the second line can be simplified to "I a boy, you a girl" or something like that. The third line, "Both thrown on life's relentless treadmill".

I like the idea of this poem, and there's definitely potential there. Hope I'm of help.

[arbil_poieo]

Hey Josh,
"Diverted eyes tell a story that's been told a thousand times before,
Insignificance measured in shady expressions and ambiguous excuses,
Suspended in a state of perpetual ambivalence somewhere between happiness and sorrow,"

^^This to me reads differently than the rest of the poem (cutting out some of the words would help with that). I believe this could be a stronger ending rather than an introduction, which is what this sorta feels like. It has the overall emotions that you want to convey, so it would work as an ending and let the poem tell the story. (my opinion of course)

"Abandoned" isn't needed because it's something a reader can assume from previous lines.

"Left isolated in a world full of familiar faces,"---this is vague and cliche..."world" could mean anything and everything, what does it mean to you? what does familiar faces mean to you?

"Branded with an immutable crosshair on my back,
And all I got was this T-shirt,"-----I like this line, it's sarcastic and resentful and it can also connect to being "branded" which is also nice

(The second stanza could work as the first, to me that's where it begins)
"Oh just take me back to the start,"---cliche. it seems to be an important line because it dives into what use to be, but can be expressed differently?

"call real life,"---what's real life?

Like Brandon said, this has potential. I think what you're stuck on is trying to get all the emotions out but leaving the reasoning behind those emotions vague. It reads like a story of boy meets girl, boy loses girl and boy looks back, so stories need time to build instead of just laying it all out there at once and hoping the reader will get it. It has a lot going for it, it just needs to be developed more in what you already have. Can't wait to read it when you're done.

[monablackbird]

Here's another poem that is becoming more and more frustrating to finish. I am still working on a few more stanzas. I am not pleased with this one at all but I figured some constructive insight might turn this beast into a beauty.

Diverted eyes tell a story that's been told a thousand times before,
Insignificance measured in shady expressions and ambiguous excuses,
Suspended in a state of perpetual ambivalence somewhere between happiness and sorrow,

This first block is a bit wordy. There's also some redundancy with "ambivalence" and then the basic definition of ambivalence with "somewhere between happiness and sorrow".

"Minstrel eyes tell same old fairy tale lies
Worthiness weighed by cloudy dishwater stares
Hanged on my hook of perpetual ambivalence"

That's just something I came up with off the cuff and they're only thoughts and ideas for you to bounce around.



Abandoned,

Left isolated in a world full of familiar faces,
Branded with an immutable crosshair on my back, --- I think it might be interesting here to give the crosshair a bit more weight. Maybe by calling it "a demon crosshair" or a "two ton crosshair" or something like that.
And all I got was this T-shirt, --- love this and how it's kind of colloquial

Oh just take me back to the start, --- Take me back to the blocks (or gate or springboard)
I was just a boy and you were just a girl, --- More description might punch this up. What kind of boy? What kind of girl?
Two people thrown into the never ending treadmill they call real life, --- I like what you're saying here and would play around more with the treadmill idea. Or maybe with other things that keep going or spinning endlessly.
Chasing the elusive dream of happiness like a carrot on a stick, --- also redundant. the carrot on a stick already says elusive and it's a little cliche.

There's some good stuff to work with here and lines I found inspirational to think about. I can't wait to read an edit and see how it shapes up.

Best,
Mona

[Bizzy]

I really like this - I love the oblique references - cross hair / all I got was the T shirt - and the overall tone. I agree that the change in rhythm from the first stanza jars a little - reducing the word count and changing the shape of it might stop it feeling over-balanced -
My suggestion :

Diverted eyes that tell a story
A thousand times told before,
Insignificance weighed in shady expressions
And ambiguous excuses,
Suspended in perpetual ambivalence
Somewhere between happiness and sorrow,

But don't change it too much!