Posts: 20
Threads: 12
Joined: Nov 2012
Shattered glass.
Scattered image.
Broken mirror.
In your self-portrait,
fill missing pieces
that glue refused to hold.
Find the scattered glass,
wishing these fragments of pain were plastic
so the bruises wouldn't begin to bleed.---
But it stains.
No matter the loads of tears,
it still can't be washed out.
And this shattered image
masks the thorns
that hurt whatever gets too close.
He loved you.
Gradually becoming more defensive,
the thorns thrive.
No one can get past them.
Can't get it right.
Forever lonely.
Shattered glass.
Scattered image.
Broken mirror.
In your self-portrait,
fill missing pieces
that glue reused to hole.
That last line is sort of confusing
Find the scatter glass,
Is "scatter glass" what it's called? That rings a bell.
wishing these fragments of pain were plastic
so the bruises don't begin to bleed.---
I like this. Though I've cut myself with plastic before. And bleeding bruises is a pretty image.
But it stains.
No matter the heavy tears,
it still can't be washed out.
And this shattered image
masks the thornes
that hurt the closet living thing.
I think it's "thorns". I'm intrigued by the idea of the closet-living thing. And a little anxious about it.
Gradually becoming more defensive,
the thrornes thrive.
Typo: "thorns".
No one can get to the center.
Can't get it right.
Forever lost.
Oh "refused to hold".
And I got ahead of your last edit.
Posts: 20
Threads: 12
Joined: Nov 2012
(01-16-2013, 06:18 AM)rowens Wrote: Shattered glass.
Scattered image.
Broken mirror.
In your self-portrait,
fill missing pieces
that glue reused to hole.
That last line is sort of confusing
Find the scatter glass,
Is "scatter glass" what it's called? That rings a bell.
wishing these fragments of pain were plastic
so the bruises don't begin to bleed.---
I like this. Though I've cut myself with plastic before. And bleeding bruises is a pretty image.
But it stains.
No matter the heavy tears,
it still can't be washed out.
And this shattered image
masks the thornes
that hurt the closet living thing.
I think it's "thorns". I'm intrigued by the idea of the closet-living thing. And a little anxious about it.
Gradually becoming more defensive,
the thrornes thrive.
Typo: "thorns".
No one can get to the center.
Can't get it right.
Forever lost.
Oh "refused to hold".
And I got ahead of your last edit.
Thanks for your response!! Do the lines make more sense now that I fixed the typos ("hole" to "hold") and ("scatter glass" to "scattered glass")? And do you have any sugestions on how I could better L8 and L9 to portray the idea of the plastic being less abrasive or painful than the glass (or is there a difference and should I find another object, like rubber)?
Yes, it makes sense now. I don't like to put words in people's mouth, so I accept what I read, and was interested in that closet-thing that no longer... and truly never did exist.
There's bound to be something you could use: not rubber. Plastic almost works, but it can cut you deeply. Something closer in some sense to glass than rubber though.
Posts: 46
Threads: 4
Joined: Dec 2012
Evocative and full of great imagery. Love the idea of plastic pain. Very nice. I think I might cut "gradually" from that line towards the end. It breaks the flow for me. Just a thought. Well done!
Don't overlook that extra 'r' in the last "thorns". And it's coming together nicely.
