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Look mommy,
isn’t that a beautiful cloud?
It has such brightness
see, it's leaving the city
Rising to heaven.
Mommy, why has the cloud darkened the sky?
Mommy, why is the ground shaking?
Mommy, why is it so hot?
Mommy what’s that loud noise?
Mommy, why does my chest feel like it’s on fire?
I’m scared mommy
Mommy
Mommy
Mom…
M……….
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Chilling. I know it wasn't really graphic, but it
felt graphic. Nice one.
Not much to edit in terms of the form of the poem, but I personally think your title needs to be changed. It gives the story away, and at the same time doesn't complement it well.
(04-22-2010, 08:42 AM)billy Wrote: Look mommy,
isn’t that a beautiful cloud?
It has such brightness
see, it's leaving the city
Rising to heaven. For me I'd reword this verse to make it sound more like a little child. Could be just a taste thing
Mommy, why has the cloud darkened the sky?
Mommy, why is the ground shaking?
Mommy, why is it so hot?
Mommy what’s that loud noise?
Mommy, why does my chest feel like it’s on fire?
I’m scared mommy
Mommy
Mommy
Mom…
M………. Like this ending
Thanks for the read
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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I don't believe your title fits really with the poem. However, I enjoyed the concept of your poem. The first stanza , I liked the imagery. "It's leaving the city, rising to the heaven." Furthermore, The repetition was quiet annoying and I believe it wasn't really necessary. But, maybe it served as a purpose. The ending is what really caught my attention though. Even though, I personally think you should of had Mommy, & Mom repeated twice.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(05-12-2010, 10:22 AM)Loveblind Wrote: I don't believe your title fits really with the poem. However, I enjoyed the concept of your poem. The first stanza , I liked the imagery. "It's leaving the city, rising to the heaven." Furthermore, The repetition was quiet annoying and I believe it wasn't really necessary. But, maybe it served as a purpose. The ending is what really caught my attention though. Even though, I personally think you should of had Mommy, & Mom repeated twice.
thanks for the feedback LB. what you say is certainly food for thought.
i think you gave a valid point with the repetitive mommy in the second verse.
i'll see what i can do about it.
A well stated critique
