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I decided to make a serie of poems dedicated to my future wife, Katherine, a serie of small stories let's say. Hope you enjoy, share with me my weaknesses as always please 
An obvious scare on her face
Black fingernail pointing to the west
David Bowie at his best
Starts off cat's and mouse's chase
I am fighting a lost battle
As I simultaneously prattle
I don't know what makes a man
But our story already began
Who am I to talk?
Blistering cold in her dark eyes
She's luring me, I surmise
I am already hers
Dark winter, cold, finally blurs
away
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It makes sense. I know what's happening. But it's choppy, and leaves no lasting effect. As fading memories, or a sketchy flashback, it might work. But I think you remember these things a lot more vividly and with more feeling than you've shown in this poem.
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Ty very much for your comment!
Tho, feelings are not the point my friend!
The point is "All the happenings whilst meeting Katherine"
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An obvious scare on her face
A look of being scared on her face.
Black fingernail pointing to the west
David Bowie at his best
Music is playing; or one of you looks like David Bowie; or a song reference or something around here that I simply don't know.
Starts off cat's and mouse's chase
The mouse is also chasing the cat? Or I guess the chase can belong as much to the one being chased.
I am fighting a lost battle
As I simultaneously prattle
I don't know what makes a man
But our story had already began
Who am I to talk?
You don't know how to talk to a girl, but it's going down anyway. And...
Blistering cold in her dark eyes
She's luring me, I surmise
I am already hers
Dark winter, cold, finally blurs
away
game.
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(01-14-2013, 10:19 PM)Sonata Wrote: An obvious scare on her face -- scar?
Black fingernail pointing to the west
David Bowie at his best
Starts off cat's and mouse's chase
I am fighting a lost battle
As I simultaneously prattle -- as "simultaneously" means doing two things at once, what else are you doing besides prattling?
I don't know what makes a man
But our story had already began -- grammatically this should be "begun", so this line really needs a rethink -- the correct usage is "it had begun" or "it began" (I know it's confusing soemtimes!)
Who am I to talk?
Blistering cold in her dark eyes
She's luring me, I surmise
I am already hers
Dark winter, cold, finally blurs
away
I am not convinced that the first stanza adds anything to the poem. The only real "meat" is in the last stanza, introduced reasonably well by the second -- though there's still no actual substance. To be perfectly honest, this makes your "future wife" sound a lot like the Wicked Witch of the West, so good luck with that!
It could be worse
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About begun, ty I wasn't think about grammar whilst writting I just wrote the poem xD
And about simultaneously... I'm fighting a battle... AND i prattle...
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well, as you seem to reject all critique (maybe posted it in the wrong place, is all), I kinda like it...
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(01-18-2013, 06:45 AM)shemthepenman Wrote: well, as you seem to reject all critique (maybe posted it in the wrong place, is all), I kinda like it...
You know Sonata, I think Shem has a point. What exactly were you looking for by way of critique? You weren't concerned about grammar? What exactly did you hope to get out of the workshop?
The poem needs help I'll grant you, but if you're mostly interested in defending why you wrote it--there's little point to wasting anyone's time.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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(01-14-2013, 10:19 PM)Sonata Wrote: I decided to make a serie of poems dedicated to my future wife, Katherine, a serie of small stories let's say. Hope you enjoy, share with me my weaknesses as always please
An obvious scare on her face - Obvious scar upon her face
Black fingernail pointing to the west - I would cut these
David Bowie at his best - love the Bowie reference. i might cut David and use a more unexpected description for him instead. Maybe something like "Showboat Bowie at his best" or "Effing Bowie at his best". Or maybe even "Ziggy Stardust at his best". just some thoughts though.
Starts off cat's and mouse's chase - a bit cliche, awkward to say.
I am fighting a lost battle - cut
As I simultaneously prattle - and here
I don't know what makes a man
But our story already began
Who am I to talk?
Blistering cold inside her dark eyes - add/cut
She's luring me, I surmise - if rhyme is dictating your choice of words here perhaps "to my demise"?
I am already hers
Dark winter, cold, finally blurs
away
I feel like something's missing from that last stanza and could be tweaked in the "dark winter" line. Remember critique is all subjective suggestion. It's ultimately yours to do with as you wish.
Love the idea that you're writing these for your sweetheart. Valentines gift?
All the best and keep writing!
Mona
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Mona ty very much for ur comment helped a lot <3
Ty all actually
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