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started out as a srenyu ended up as this
A jade oasis
in an achromic desert.
Take me in one gulp!
A giant pool of adolescent goo
is dancing poorly on the barroom floor.
What once became a creme hormonal stew
is swirling in between me and the door.
It is the last gizzum of consciousness.
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As I've said in other posts, I am a huge amateur when it comes to poetry. That said, perhaps I could offer some criticism from the perspective of a beginner in this amazing form of literature. I interpreted this as a man's sudden realization that he's too drunk and feels obligated to leave. I liked the symbolism of it leading to the exit, serving as a kind of manifestation of a shred of rationality, but as I said. I'm still learning so I could have perceived it inaccurately. Only constructive critisicm I could offer would be to be a little clearer about the importance and meaning of its presence. Perhaps it could be said that it wasn't necessarily an indication that he should leave out of sheer intoxication but instead leave with a potential partner. Expressing your ideas a Tad clearer to a casual audience might be beneficial
Posts: 31
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i thought it was pretty evident that im horny for asian chicks in a bar full of white people. i have trouble with clarity thank you for your input.
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Oh, now I feel stupid lol
The yellow feevah title makes sense now
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i liked some of the words you've chosen a lot- gulp, goo, gizzum. nice!
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it's clear that sex plays a part of the poem, though i think you need less ambiguity. the 4th line; is that a woman? i read your reply that it's about a white in an asian bar, i think you need to add a bit more and make the fact just a bit more obvious.
(01-13-2013, 05:34 PM)aaron Wrote: started out as a srenyu ended up as this
A jade oasis
in an achromic desert.
Take me in one gulp!
A giant pool of adolescent goo
is dancing poorly on the barroom floor.
What once became a creme hormonal stew
is swirling in between me and the door.
It is the last gizzum of consciousness.
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Threads: 53
Joined: Jan 2013
I didn’t find any problems with comprehension, not really, and I really enjoyed reading it, very humorous; although the fact I didn't get that the object of desire is Asian is neither here nor there for me. And, in point of fact, one criticism I have is the title… I mean, really ‘Yellow Feevah’? Surely you could come up with something a little less offensive; although, having said that, the title (for me) is so bad that it actually makes me laugh out loud every time I read it (as I suspect was the intention). But such are my PC sensibilities, that I can't help thinking I would change it.
In America, we're either brought up to be racist or to admire other races based solely on their stereotypes. And so people embrace their stereotypes. We're a country of caricatures.
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even racists get caricatures
I'll be there in a minute.
