First post/poem, no title

[craigdaniels]

Live for today and not tomorrow
Think twice cuz your time is borrowed
You can't raise the bar cuz your bar broke
Reject the pain intake the sorrow

Baby cries to much dump her in a trashcan
better yet trade her for some dope from the dope-man
snitches get stitches so angels keep their mouth shut
Demons that dig ditches, and use bones to build bridges will get your throats cut

You closed your eyes upon request
bumping into obstacles at their behest
You took their guidance and never guessed
You felt a lot but never sensed
You lost the heart beat in your chest

You fell asleep, you live to dream
You traded the lotus for the cream
You fell apart but upheld the creed
It's never you but always me

Safety and Security keep passion at bay
sycophant specters seduce through the window pane
to keep you at home and never away
To always feel good and never feel pain

reject the fear reject the hate
open the eye open the gate
it's never far off or to far away

lies are the truth and truth are the lies
the world is a mirror, faces are just the disguise
secret of life is the secret is inside
the inner elixir breathes breathe into life
sallow the pain swallow the pride
the switch is right here, so turn on the light

[doolasmind#11]

This is my first comment on this site. I'd like to say I really like the concept and and the world play as well. I notice a lot of spelling errors that are easily correctable and if you reread I'm sure you will see. Other than that nice piece.

[craigdaniels]

This is my first comment on this site. I'd like to say I really like the concept and and the world play as well. I notice a lot of spelling errors that are easily correctable and if you reread I'm sure you will see. Other than that nice piece.

I spell checked it and fixed it. I was half awake when I uploaded that Thanks for the nice comment and the heads up.

[billy]

hi craig. in general there are too many well used phrases at play, if you can swap them out for original ideas or thoughts it would make a big difference. cliche kills poetry like smoking kills people.

[Card]

world play as well.

I see what you did there!

And while a bit of cliche can help, to show how predictable life can be, Billy is right that too many makes it generic.

And I do see just a few spelling and grammar errors. I could edit them, if you want (however, though I rarely advocate the use of "cuz" it works much better than the recognized word here so you should keep that in).

[craigdaniels]

Thanks Doolasmind and Billy!
I definitely was looking for phrases or words/wordplay that would fit the ideas I was trying to convey; I guess I found what was in my mind was a lot of cliché lol But I find it interesting that is where my mind went for phrases.

I spelled checked again, I didn't find your spelling errors. I'd be happy to fix them. As far as the grammar, on this particular one I wanted it to have kind of a rough feel; but I'm totally open to making the changes and reading it again to get some perspective. I did leave the “cuz” in there for feel.

I'll checkout some of the writing poetry entries for newbies, this was all on a whim. I didn't know why I really wrote it I just came out. I felt a bit silly after posting like "what am I doing? I don't write poetry" then after I posted, "This is terrible lol".

Today, however, I see that poetry can be a window into your mind or intellect. Like how I used a lot of cliché, the challenge for the next piece would be to apply some principles from your suggestions and the forum and see if I can come up with something better or more original.

I think this can help with communication, how we use our words and can be the difference between good and bad communication. Very cool!

Thanks for all your comments

[Card]

Yeah, spellcheck won't find some typos, if they form actual words that just don't fit. However, I don't see any either, so I was probably just out of my mind when I said that.
It happens.

To polish it up, you may want to capitalize all of the first letters of the phrases though. Lone "i"s are very distracting to the reader, which is why it is always better to capitalize it.

[Ema]

You can feel very nice music while reading

[billy]

Thanks Doolasmind and Billy!
I definitely was looking for phrases or words/wordplay that would fit the ideas I was trying to convey; I guess I found what was in my mind was a lot of cliché lol But I find it interesting that is where my mind went for phrases.

Thanks for all your comments

normally if we find a phrase in our minds, it's because we've read it somewhere else and it's a memory. it's better to create phrases you haven't heard.
the dog had fleas the size of crickets.

she played dixie on my pocket pipe

[Card]

What is with you and your pocket pipe? Do you just have some kind of innuendo quota for the day?

Though I read "Dixie" as "Dickie", so I guess I really shouldn't be the one asking.