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My hands lie to where I view;
Of where I see dark's fade.
There, I see my dispicable hue.
For I can welcome my crumbling fate.
And to naught I see my death,
I lay in darkness where all is night.
Therefore, I close my eyes hoping for a last breath,
And the bright beauty of light.
Finally; to where I think of end,
I wake to view a grim fate.
Eternal darkness with an unforgettable trend,
That imprisones me with all I dare hate.
Now, I must escape,
Or I will not live to see another day.
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Typos aside, how can you see your 'despicable hue' if you're in total darkness? My main gripe with the poem is that you're telling the readers too much; so much so that you ended up not making much sense. The feeling I get is that you're trying to describe what darkness is like for you. For that to really work, strong imageries are required. I believe that your choice of words can be improved to further strengthen the imagery of your poem. For example, "And the bright beauty of light" doesn't really make light seem very desirable. Something like "longing for the warm embrace of light" makes light feel more alive. What I like about this poem is the flow. It flows very nicely, and when read it rolls of the tongue smoothly. It not really making much sense kills it. I also like the rhyme scheme, but you didn't maintain it in the last 2 lines I believe.
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This reads nicely.
The line that stumbled me is "Eternal darkness with an unforgettable trend."
I would recommend maybe imagining a couple of solid images to hang the poem around.
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Hello DaedricPrince, and thankyou for the read. I like this poem. I like the rythem, and the way the last two lines round it all up. Nice work. I left a few comments below that you may find helpful
Quote:My hands lie to where I view;
Of where I see dark's fade.
There, I see my dispicable hue. I can see why this may not work for some.
For I can welcome my crumbling fate.
And to naught I see my death,
I lay in darkness where all is night. Change darkness to something like silence, as darkness with night seems a bit redundant.
Therefore, I close my eyes hoping for a last breath, Lose therefore.
And the bright beauty of light.
Finally; to where I think of end,
I wake to view a grim fate.
Eternal darkness with an unforgettable trend, I do get this, and I like it.
That imprisones me with all I dare hate.
Now, I must escape,
Or I will not live to see another day.
