Blue Lotus

[aaron]

The ancient lily beckons me
to dare to dream of deeper things
so i spread my wings over the sea
in search of songs the spirit sings

[cidermaid]

Hi,
This seamed short and designed to be consise, but perhaps could be still trimmed just a little.
I am wondering if it mught be better to change the "to" into an "I" in the second line.
and thus a llow for changing the last two to action lines
speading my wings...
Searching for...

Good title connection to subject. There would be room to take this to another stanza to give us a picture of what the spirit is singing.
Thanks for the read AJ.

[arbil_poieo]

Heya aaron,
This was moving with a surreal calm tone, I think what catches my attention the most are the light carefree words...very impressive.

I agree with AJ's comment---"speading my wings over the sea"
"searching of songs the spirit sings"
To get rid of all the pesky little words that aren't necessary, it really just allow the images to shine through

I would have also liked for a more vivid description of the lily, it seems to be an essential piece to this poem, so it wouldd help the reader to see this lily through words.

[aaron]

ok thanks alot for your input guys this was just an idea after a few days of using the lily as a meditation aid. I would love to be able to capture the surrealism of the inward effect this wonderful flower has had on me more vividly. i will be working on this piece more.