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01-08-2013, 12:08 PM
Dream and be lost
Don't pretend to know
Own your confusion
Push off and let go
Float into nothing
Weightless in the air
Swim toward the sun
Do anything you dare
Know your reality
isn't all that can exist
Let go of your goals
have anything you wish
Let your thoughts flow
Don't analyze them all
I promise safety
if you let yourself fall
life is an illusion
Stop looking for a clue
the point is, It's pointless
have fun until we're through
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Joined: Jan 2013
This is very nice. It gets your message across several times in different ways, while still having some structure.
I like poems that aren't too ambiguous, but I feel this one may be a bit too straight forward and didactic. Maybe if you cite an example of these ideas having an effect on a person it might give variety to the message.
What do you think?
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Quote:I like poems that aren't too ambiguous, but I feel this one may be a bit too straight forward and didactic. Maybe if you cite an example of these ideas having an effect on a person it might give variety to the message.
I could not disagree more. I'm sorry
BennyBoy, I hope that does not come across as insulting or rude.
I think the poem achieves its goal very well. I love your over use of juxtaposition's, it gives a great feel of the paradox that is the human mind, and also in my opinion it portrays the idea of the thinking needed to remain in complete metal balance. Great messege and good job
As BennyBoy said, it is straight forward, but for me that is why it works
Quote:Dream and be lost
Don't pretend to know
Own your confusion
Push off and let go
Float into nothing
Weightless in the air
Swim toward the sun
Do anything you dare
Know your reality
isn't all that can exist
Let go of your goals
have anything you wish
Let your thoughts flow
Don't analyze them all
I promose safety
if you let yourself fall
life is an illusion
Stop looking for a clue
the point is, It's pointless
have fun until we're through
Posts: 29
Threads: 8
Joined: Jan 2013
Thanks! I really appreciate your feedback!
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
(01-08-2013, 12:08 PM)destiny1313 Wrote: Dream and be lost
Don't pretend to know
Own your confusion
Push off and let go
Float into nothing
Weightless in the air
Swim toward the sun
Do anything you dare
Know your reality
isn't all that can exist
Let go of your goals
have anything you wish
Let your thoughts flow
Don't analyze them all
I promose safety Promote or Propose ?
if you let yourself fall
life is an illusion
Stop looking for a clue
the point is, It's pointless
have fun until we're through
To add to the feedback all ready given I would only say try to show us some images rather that tell us
Let your thoughts flow
Don't analyze them all
I propose safety
if you let yourself fall
Could read
Mind melts with rivers flow
opens wide to oceans call
breaking now to eddie swirl
to dark plunge pools you fall
Ok this is a bit crapy but hope it helps explain what I mean I really like the subject and you poem but I do love a good image. TOMH
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 29
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Joined: Jan 2013
I heart your use of juxtaposition and i think overall this is a good poem. It has a nice feel to it.
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hi destiny. for me the poem needs something more. at present you have 5 verse that all say the same thing. use the first verse as a start and build the poem up from there. write about how and why and who with and where the dog is etc. make it more. use a few images as well. the term used for this type of poetry is hall mark. hall mark poetry has nice rhythm and rhyme but doesn't say a lot.
(01-08-2013, 12:08 PM)destiny1313 Wrote: Dream and be lost
Don't pretend to know
Own your confusion
Push off and let go
Float into nothing
Weightless in the air
Swim toward the sun
Do anything you dare
Know your reality
isn't all that can exist
Let go of your goals
have anything you wish
Let your thoughts flow
Don't analyze them all
I promise safety
if you let yourself fall
life is an illusion
Stop looking for a clue
the point is, It's pointless
have fun until we're through
Posts: 6
Threads: 2
Joined: Jan 2013
you start to repeat yourself a little towards the end, but i like the first line "dream and be lost" very much!
