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Joined: Jan 2013
In your mind
I'm your kind
In my embrace
Take a taste
In my face
Search for a trace
Of something left behind
Of what you had hoped to find
In my mind
What I need
You're the kind
On which I feed
In my embrace
So unaware
Take a taste
of what's not there
In my face there's not a trace
of what you had hoped to find
Posts: 342
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Hi destiny 1313,
From a quick read I would say that this references a non-committal lover or someone incapable of love. However, I think you have forced yourself into an arbitrary structure in the first stanza and have tried to match it in the second with very little success.
Perhaps, and this is just my opinion, you should take what it is that you consider to be the core of the poem and try to rewrite without any structure and then possibly break it down into stanzas if it seems best.
I like what you've started and will check back.
Thanks for sharing
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For me this was too ambiguous. I'm not the smartest of apes, so it may just be me, but I would like a bit more context.
I like that you stuck to such a strict structure though. I like words to sound lovely, and this does.
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hi destiny,
it's lovely, and i'm serious when i say that, but that's all it is, lovely. it has very little depth and in truth is more of ditty.
whether we like the conflict of two stanza or not isn't the problem, the problem is, it's a cup cake poem it needs some more ingredients like; an image, originality, a proper rhyme scheme or non. something to lick or bite on. do you want to make cup cakes or do you want to make a rich fruit cake with an absinthe topped creme brulee chaser?
Posts: 29
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I agree that my poem seems a little like a cupcake
I think where I went wrong is to assume it was understood without context. I think I need to add more context is that correct?
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I like the last 4 or 5 lines. The rest above seems a bit owed to the rhyming. I would not add context but rather content (which is difficult).
Thanks for the read and cheers
serge
