The Path We Lost

[zeevs100]

1st edit

Amidst the days we dreamed together,
Along the nights we couldn't sleep,
Naïve, we thought we'll have forever
The touch, the thought, the love.

A Sphinx who came from lands of sorrow
Foretold the end of our path,
That it is not another morrow
Another way or start...

The days grew short, the nights fell longer,
The winds began to roam the seas,
But we will stand as we are stronger
Than storm, than pain, than death...

'twas us who understood the glory!
'twas you who made my life come true
But it is us who tell the story
Of tears, of love, of joy...




The Original
Amidst the days we dreamed together,
Along the nights we couldn’t sleep,
Naïve, we thought we’ll have forever
The touch, the thought, the love...

The days grew short, the nights went darker
The pain was never-ending
The dear songs, we sang together
Were ghastly fading.

Along the way, the Sphinx foretold
The paths would be misleading
You couldn’t tell, you couldn’t see
The true forgiving…

I couldn’t see, I couldn’t tell my love
Too great to dwell in honors
We lost the path, we lost the way
The touch, the thought, the dreams…

[tectak]

Amidst the days we dreamed together,da-da, da-da, da-da, da-dit-dit 9 count
Along the nights we couldn’t sleep,da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da. 8 count
Naïve, we thought we’ll have foreverda-da, da-da,da-da, da-dit-dit, 9 count
The touch, the thought, the love...da-da, da-da, da-da, 6 count.This is a good opener. It makes sense. It is romantic. It is terse-verse. It has an interesting rhythm which works beautifully. I wonder where you can go now?

The days grew short, the nights went darkerda-da, da-da, da-da, da-dit-dit 9 coun, as S1.Great stuff
The pain was never-endingda-da, da-da,da-dit-dit, 7 count?????????What happened?
The dear songs, we sang togetherdit-da-da,da-da, da-di-dit 8count, but emphasies now a thing of he past. I am being unfair because you MAY not care about rhythm. Maybe it is the rhyme you are concentrating on. I get A,B (gerund), C,B (gerund)in this but A,B,A,C in the first stanza. Also, that last rhyme is senselessly forced. It may not have enough meaning, either. Check out the rhyme scheme next verse.
Were ghastly fading.

Along the way, the Sphinx foretold This verse is not connected to the rest in a good way. A,B(gerund),C,B (gerund), fine....but, look, last verse A,B,C,D! It is not imortant if you don't think it is important....but if you do, it is. Either way, let's concentrate on the meaning.Enter Sphinx stage left. Huh? OK. It's that kind of a poem. Anything can happen. Question. Do YOU know where this is going because I am losing confidence in the navigator. You are head(ing) up Gerund Avenue and seem happy to (ing) everyth(ing).
The paths would be misleading
You couldn’t tell, you couldn’t see
The true forgiving…...and this is where it gets you. What does this actually mean. I am sorry, but I just do not get it. I get the rhyme-need, though.

I couldn’t see, I couldn’t tell my loveThis poem ended a stanza back. Everyone is now blind and dumb. You can't see, you can't speak, your love likewise. You are both significantly lost and so am I
Too great to dwell in honorsI have really tried to make sense out of this line. Are we playing Contract Bridge? Is that it? Have I got it?
We lost the path, we lost the way
The touch, the thought, the dreams…

Hi zeevs,
I hope that you will take my crit for what it is. I have not embellished my thinking to over-kill the piece. There are some "nice" turns of phrase but once you start ing-ing you are doomed. Gerund Avenue is littered with pages of crumpled paper....no one goes there anymore. Not your best effort but as it says so little to me, I could only suggest that you pick up the message you want to send and pare away everything else. If you do this, the message will be much clearer.
Best,
tectak

[zeevs100]

you're putting a good sense of humor in your comments, I couldn't stop laughing
In fact I didn't want to force the rhyme, I wrote what I felt, I didn't want to respect the rhyme scheme either.
I know the meaning may be ambiguous at the end, but I don't want to "throw" stuff.
Though, the gerunds... are a problem... I will certainly do something with that.

[Stalker]

hey Zeevs

i could re-state / re-hash the previous comments from tectak.

Before I launch into anything like, that can I ask you where are you from and who are the poets that you like and admire?

StalkeR

[zeevs100]

I am from R. of Moldova, English is my third language, and I've never read English poetry. Thus far, my poems in English are more of an experiment
I like very much a Romanian poet, Mihai Eminescu, I think you can find some of his works translated in English. I also admire the russian poets. my favorite ones being Pushkin and Blok

[Stalker]

And If...

And if the branches tap my pane
And the poplars whisper nightly,
It is to make me dream again
I hold you to me tightly.

And if the stars shine on the pond
And light its sombre shoal,
It is to quench my mind's despond
And flood with peace my soul.

And if the clouds their tresses part
And does the moon outblaze,
It is but to remind my heart
I long for you always.


hmmm so this is an english translation of your Eminescu guy - probably it lost something from the rumanian - is this kinda what you are aiming at?

Well you can notice that it conforms to those meter thingummys, at least the translation does, I figure it also would in the original.

May I suggest, humbly, that you could read some more english poetry, actually the english contemparies for Eminescu are also romantics to a great extent, but stylistically a but different, why not to start there and then move forwards in time, this is 150 years old!

the feelings expressed here of course transcend the era, contempary poets have a slightly different approach and familiarising yourself with some additional inspiration might help you to explore alternative ways of expressing yourself.

I apologise if this is a bit much, not wanted and for sure not a critique of your poem (number one transgression from me)


all the best

StalkeR

[tectak]

you're putting a good sense of humor in your comments, I couldn't stop laughing
In fact I didn't want to force the rhyme, I wrote what I felt, I didn't want to respect the rhyme scheme either.
I know the meaning may be ambiguous at the end, but I don't want to "throw" stuff.
Though, the gerunds... are a problem... I will certainly do something with that.

Hi zeevs,
A quick follow on. In serious crit you post work in order to improve...usually by "workshopping". You have the right attitude and seem able to respond positively to the opinions of others. Can I offer a word of caution? When responding to crit try to avoid these four things.
1) I don't care about rhythm. I just write what I like.
2) I don't care about consistency of rhyme. I just put what comes in to my head.
3) I don't care about punctuation. Punctuation is dumb.
4) I don't care if I make sense. I expect the reader to translate my work.
5) I don't care about spelling, I write as I talk.
All of the above is just fine if you want to read your work to your pet goldfish with the lights out......but the thing is, it doesn't leave a whole lot to crit
Best,
tectak

[zeevs100]

thx, I'll work on my attitude, I don't want to sound dumb I work now on the poem, and as soon as I finish I will post the new version

---

And If...

And if the branches tap my pane
And the poplars whisper nightly,
It is to make me dream again
I hold you to me tightly.

And if the stars shine on the pond
And light its sombre shoal,
It is to quench my mind's despond
And flood with peace my soul.

And if the clouds their tresses part
And does the moon outblaze,
It is but to remind my heart
I long for you always.


hmmm so this is an english translation of your Eminescu guy - probably it lost something from the rumanian - is this kinda what you are aiming at?

Well you can notice that it conforms to those meter thingummys, at least the translation does, I figure it also would in the original.

May I suggest, humbly, that you could read some more english poetry, actually the english contemparies for Eminescu are also romantics to a great extent, but stylistically a but different, why not to start there and then move forwards in time, this is 150 years old!

the feelings expressed here of course transcend the era, contempary poets have a slightly different approach and familiarising yourself with some additional inspiration might help you to explore alternative ways of expressing yourself.

I apologise if this is a bit much, not wanted and for sure not a critique of your poem (number one transgression from me)


all the best

StalkeR

I've nothing against post-modern literature, but I can't understand it, and I don't associate with it. It's strange for me, it looks strange, and I cannot understand it. You say it's 150 years old. Would you prefer the fresh wine or the aged one? I'll go for the aged

---

I'm done, tried to do my best! Now, in waiting for your critique

[tectak]

1st edit

Amidst the days we dreamed together,
Along the nights we couldn't sleep,
Naïve, we thought we'll have forever
The touch, the thought, the love...ellipses are probably superfluous.

A Sphinx who came from lands of sorrowI am missing some classical mythology, methinks. Care to educate me?
Foretold the end of our path,Oh, clever! You realised that "..ow-er path" rather than "owr" would work...or did you?
That it is not another morrow
Another way or start...

The days grew short, the nights went longer,Or " The days fell short, the nights grew longer" .Your poem. Just a suggestion. "went" seems ill-chosen
The winds began to roam the seas, lovely stuff
But we will stand as we are stronger
Than storm, than pain, than death...

'twas us who understood the gloryVolte face! Proclaim it!
'twas you who made my life come true
But it is us who tell the story
Of tears, of love, of joy...

For me, a great improvement. I hope for you,too.
Best,
tectak



The Original
Amidst the days we dreamed together,
Along the nights we couldn’t sleep,
Naïve, we thought we’ll have forever
The touch, the thought, the love...

The days grew short, the nights went darker
The pain was never-ending
The dear songs, we sang together
Were ghastly fading.

Along the way, the Sphinx foretold
The paths would be misleading
You couldn’t tell, you couldn’t see
The true forgiving…

I couldn’t see, I couldn’t tell my love
Too great to dwell in honors
We lost the path, we lost the way
The touch, the thought, the dreams…

[zeevs100]

1st edit

Amidst the days we dreamed together,
Along the nights we couldn't sleep,
Naïve, we thought we'll have forever
The touch, the thought, the love...ellipses are probably superfluous.

A Sphinx who came from lands of sorrowI am missing some classical mythology, methinks. Care to educate me?
Foretold the end of our path,Oh, clever! You realised that "..ow-er path" rather than "owr" would work...or did you?
That it is not another morrow
Another way or start...

The days grew short, the nights went longer,Or " The days fell short, the nights grew longer" .Your poem. Just a suggestion. "went" seems ill-chosen
The winds began to roam the seas, lovely stuff
But we will stand as we are stronger
Than storm, than pain, than death...

'twas us who understood the gloryVolte face! Proclaim it!
'twas you who made my life come true
But it is us who tell the story
Of tears, of love, of joy...

For me, a great improvement. I hope for you,too.
Best,
tectak



The Original
Amidst the days we dreamed together,
Along the nights we couldn’t sleep,
Naïve, we thought we’ll have forever
The touch, the thought, the love...

The days grew short, the nights went darker
The pain was never-ending
The dear songs, we sang together
Were ghastly fading.

Along the way, the Sphinx foretold
The paths would be misleading
You couldn’t tell, you couldn’t see
The true forgiving…

I couldn’t see, I couldn’t tell my love
Too great to dwell in honors
We lost the path, we lost the way
The touch, the thought, the dreams…

Will change everything you suggested... I just dont know how I forgot the word to fall Thanks!
Well the Sphinx, I didn't want to kill him in the first place I didn't make a reference to mythology, it is a symbol of a all-mighty, all-knowing creature - a metaphor for the Fate.

---

P.S. I did the ow-er thing

[tectak]

1st edit

Amidst the days we dreamed together,
Along the nights we couldn't sleep,
Naïve, we thought we'll have forever
The touch, the thought, the love...ellipses are probably superfluous.

A Sphinx who came from lands of sorrowI am missing some classical mythology, methinks. Care to educate me?
Foretold the end of our path,Oh, clever! You realised that "..ow-er path" rather than "owr" would work...or did you?
That it is not another morrow
Another way or start...

The days grew short, the nights went longer,Or " The days fell short, the nights grew longer" .Your poem. Just a suggestion. "went" seems ill-chosen
The winds began to roam the seas, lovely stuff
But we will stand as we are stronger
Than storm, than pain, than death...

'twas us who understood the gloryVolte face! Proclaim it!
'twas you who made my life come true
But it is us who tell the story
Of tears, of love, of joy...

For me, a great improvement. I hope for you,too.
Best,
tectak



The Original
Amidst the days we dreamed together,
Along the nights we couldn’t sleep,
Naïve, we thought we’ll have forever
The touch, the thought, the love...

The days grew short, the nights went darker
The pain was never-ending
The dear songs, we sang together
Were ghastly fading.

Along the way, the Sphinx foretold
The paths would be misleading
You couldn’t tell, you couldn’t see
The true forgiving…

I couldn’t see, I couldn’t tell my love
Too great to dwell in honors
We lost the path, we lost the way
The touch, the thought, the dreams…

Will change everything you suggested... I just dont know how I forgot the word to fall Thanks!
Well the Sphinx, I didn't want to kill him in the first place I didn't make a reference to mythology, it is a symbol of a all-mighty, all-knowing creature - a metaphor for the Fate.

---

P.S. I did the ow-er thing

That's not the Sphinx I know!
Best,
tectak