Little Match Girl

[brandontoh]

Not very happy with this one, but I'm not sure what I can do to make it better. Any feedback is greatly appreciated. Once again, thanks for reading my poem.

2nd Edit:
Villanelle: Little Match Girl

“I’m cold, hug me…”
Voice so soft it’s almost muted.
Why won’t anyone hear her plea?

In the snow they caper free,
Except the lone girl who entreated:
“I’m cold, hug me…”

When snowstorms brew, to home they flee,
Yet no warmth blossoms from matches lighted.
Why won’t anyone hear her plea?

Lost memories on relishes of glee;
Her breath, her wishes, languidly bated,
“I’m cold, hug me…”

Show compassion, treat her gently,
The Camellia yearns to be connected.
Why won’t anyone hear her plea?

Apathy, the licit felony,
Committed as a pastel life pleaded:
“I’m cold, hug me…”
Why won’t anyone hear her plea?


1st Edit:
Villanelle: Little Match Girl

“I’m cold, hug me…”
Voice so soft it’s almost muted.
Please, someone, hear her plea…

Playing in the snow so free,
Except the girl who alone pleaded.
“I’m cold, hug me…”

When snowstorms brew, towards home they flee,
Yet no warmth is found, in matches lighted.
Please, someone, hear her plea…

Lost memories on relishes of glee;
Her breath, her wishes, languidly bated,
“I’m cold, hug me…”

Show some compassion, treat her gently,
A cracked glass Camellia, yearning to be connected.
Please, someone, hear her plea…

Why feign apathy, the licit felony,
When a pastel life so despairingly pleaded?
“I’m cold, hug me…”
Please, someone, hear her plea…


Original:
Villanelle: Little Match Girl

"I’m cold, hug me…"
Voice so soft it’s almost muted
Please, someone, hear her plea…

Playing in the snow so free
Except the girl who alone pleaded
"I’m cold, hug me…"

When snowstorms brew, home is where all should be
Yet where’s home for a girl unwanted?
Please, someone, hear her plea…

She knows not the meaning of glee
Fed since born with bitter hatred
"I’m cold, hug me…"

Show some compassion, treat her gently
A delicate flower, yearning to be connected
Please, someone, hear her plea…

How does people ignore so easily?
When a pastel life so despairingly pleaded
"I’m cold, hug me…"
Please, someone, hear her plea…

[serge gurkski]

Not very happy with this one, but I'm not sure what I can do to make it better. Any feedback is greatly appreciated. Once again, thanks for reading my poem.

Villanelle: Little Match Girl

"I’m cold, hug me…"
Voice so soft it’s almost muted
Please, someone, hear her plea…

Playing in the snow so free
Except the girl who alone pleaded
"I’m cold, hug me…"

When snowstorms brew, home is where all should be
Yet where’s home for a girl unwanted?
Please, someone, hear her plea…

She knows not the meaning of glee
Fed since born with bitter hatred
"I’m cold, hug me…"

Show some compassion, treat her gently
A delicate flower, yearning to be connected
Please, someone, hear her plea…

How does people ignore so easily?
When a pastel life so despairingly pleaded
"I’m cold, hug me…"
Please, someone, hear her plea…

I like this a lot but I am not sure where to amend.
You framed your thoughts in a villanelle.
Sometimes a line does not flow that well.

[brandontoh]

I'm not even sure what it is that I'm unhappy with, I just have a feeling that it's missing something.

[serge gurkski]

not sure (content-wise). I think (but that'
s guts only it is the flow.
I look into this again a bit later.

[brandontoh]

Thanks for the effort.

[arbil_poieo]

I'm not even sure what it is that I'm unhappy with, I just have a feeling that it's missing something.

Poems like these are often difficult to write because as the writer you're wanting a specific reaction from your audience. It's sometimes hard to express a strong feeling without being compelled to expand on it because that feeling that you're trying to express seems infinite and the ways to express them seem even longer. You want as a writer for your audience to be 100% connected to it. It's pretty common.

Now to the actual poem: The form aside
I like the first stanza it's beautifully written and engaging. "I'm cold, hug me" is actually devastating and potent.
Second stanza: capturing an innocent child-play then going back to the girl still pleading. I think that's smart to show children enjoying the snow while the girl just wants warmth. It shows the reader the difference between her life and the other kids life. The difference between happiness and tragedy.
Third Stanza:This introduces her as homeless, I think this could be enhanced. "Yet where's home for a girl unwanted" seems generic. Perhaps, it would be better to emphasize on this misfortune.
Fourth stanza: "Fed since birth with bitter hatred" sounds better to me. I like the use of glee, its a fitting word.
Fourth stanza: "A delicate flower, yearning to be connected" seems cliche. A flower isn't the best way to describe this girl and what shes going through and what it has made her to be.
Fifth Stanza: "How does people ignore so easily" isn't impacting, it's generic. Maybe something more sentimental or sincere to pull on the heart strings.

I'm going to assume this is from the book. I think what it needs is some harsh and raw feeling (specifically in the lines pointed out) to really convince the readers of her dispair and of the world's ignorance to it.

Hope this was helpful.

[Hurst]

I like the general air of the poem. A few suggestions would be:
* Delete the elipses after "Hear her plea," but keep the ellipses after "Hug me."
* Change the "She knows not the meaning of glee." It sounds forced.
* Not sure about the 'bitter hatred' line either. If a person was fed hatred, they would become hateful. That doesn't sound like the innocent match girl you're painting.
* Loved 'pastel life'
* Hated 'delicate flower
* Liked your choice of rhyme scheme (apart from in that one glee/ hatred stanza.

Thanks for the read.
-Hurst

[brandontoh]

Thanks for all the feedback. I've edited the poem, and I'm much happier with it now. I'm still not satisfied with it, but it has been greatly improved in my opinion.

[Leanne]

Brandon, in my opinion and experience, the repetition of a villanelle is most effective when it's matched with lines of equal (or close to equal) length and, if you are so inclined, meter. Contemporary villanelles tend to deviate a little from either isosyllabic or metric requirements but if you're not careful, the impact of the refrain can be lessened or lost.

1st Edit:
Villanelle: Little Match Girl

“I’m cold, hug me…” this is the line that gives me the most trouble on reading. I understand that you may feel that short=impact, but I disagree here. My suggestion would be a compromise between brevity and rhythm: "I'm so very cold. Hug me" (with or without an ellipsis to end)
Voice so soft it’s almost muted.
Please, someone, hear her plea… quick fix for rhythm would be "please won't someone hear her plea?"

Playing in the snow so free, inverted syntax makes this line stilted. Perhaps "in the snow they play, so free"
Except the girl who alone pleaded. I'm not super happy about these near rhymes for the b lines, but will leave them alone
“I’m cold, hug me…”

When snowstorms brew, towards home they flee, just "to" instead of "towards" will fit better
Yet no warmth is found, in matches lighted. maybe "yet no warmth blooms from matches lighted"
Please, someone, hear her plea…

Lost memories on relishes of glee; I confess, I don't really know what you want this line to say
Her breath, her wishes, languidly bated,
“I’m cold, hug me…”

Show some compassion, treat her gently,remove "some", it's unnecessary and makes the line too long
A cracked glass Camellia, yearning to be connected. This line is far too long, but I have no quick fix, it will depend on which words/ideas you feel are most important
Please, someone, hear her plea…

Why feign apathy, the licit felony, is it really feigning?
When a pastel life so despairingly pleaded?you have already used pleaded. My suggestion for these two lines would be something like:

By your felonious apathy
She is left to die unheeded

“I’m cold, hug me…”
Please, someone, hear her plea…

Just some thoughts... I am a bit of a fan of the villanelle

*oops, sorry, just realised we're in mild critique... oh well...

[brandontoh]

Thanks Leanne! =D I know it's said really late, but I don't want to bump up my threads before an edit is up. >< So, uh, yeah, the 2nd edit is done!